Tuesday, February 21, 2012

I Want Things To Change

***Submitted by Anonymous

Like so many others, I’m not sure where to begin and I’m not completely sure where my problem with drinking began.

I just know that I have a problem and I want things to change.

Why do I drink?

I’m pretty sure that I drink now because my life it too painful and drinking dims the pain.

However, if I am completely honest with myself, while it may dim one form of the pain, it definitely creates another.  A little background on my situation is probably in order.

I am an only parent of twp wonderful children.  I use the term ‘only parent’ for a reason.  My husband, the love of my life, died very unexpectedly a little over a year ago.  He was only 50, myself 45.

Talk about something that rips a hole into the fabric of your very being.

Everything I had expected my life to be, our lives to be, immediately died with him.  I probably was well on my way to having a problem with drinking before my husband died.  His death, however,  definitely accelerated things.  My goal is to come home and drink enough wine so that I can pass out into oblivion.

Like so many others, I’m doubtful that many of my friends/family would suspect the extent of my problem.  And now, even if they do wonder if I may drink too much, I’m pretty sure they chalk it up to my new found widow status.

I am highly functional.

I own a successful business, take good care of my children, maintain a spotless house… all the trappings of handling things as well as can be expected.  Why am I here writing this now?  For quite some time, I’ve recognized that as I am an only parent, I need to be a role model for my kids, I need to be present for them, I need to learn how to ‘feel’ once again and that means I need to be sober.

Last night was the proverbial “straw that broke the camel’s back”.  My teenage son and I had a confrontation following a get together I had at our house with some of my girlfriends.  We consumed a great deal of wine.  After everyone left, he looked me in the eye and said, “mom, I want you to stop drinking.”

Wow, he’s told me on occasion that I drink too much, but never that.  I’m not one of those that get outwardly drunk.  In fact, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone who would say they’ve ever seen me drunk.  None of that changes the fact that I do drink too much.  So here I am…  can I do this?  I know that I really want to.  But that is this moment.

I know there will come a moment when I really want that glass of wine.  I so very wish that I could drink a glass or two and be done.  It never stops at 1 or 2.  It rarely stops before the bottle is gone.  I owe it to my kids to get this right.  They have suffered enough already and having an alcoholic for a mother is not acceptable.

Today is day one….  I want things to change.

12 comments:

  1. i am sorry to hear about your husband's passing. my neighbor lost her husband unexpectedly at around your age, and found some comfort in a griever's support group. She made a good friend from it and they go on shopping trips now and then. Whatever you do, know you have a group here cheering you on in your journey.

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  2. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    You are so courageous to admit that alcohol is a problem and it's time to stop. Congratulations. Your second act is about to begin!

    Big bugs.

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  3. I can't imagine the pain you are experiencing. My heart breaks for you. It's obvious you love your children, and want to be present for them. I had many thoughts about my children when I was using drugs and alcohol. I have to say they are the reason I was motivated to find lasting sobriety. As Elizabeth stated above, this is the beginning. You are not alone.

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  4. I am so sorry for your loss. How heartbreaking, I feel for you and your children. I too quit for my children and I have never regretted a day of sobriety. A huge plus is there is always support for loss and support for when you feel the need to take a drink. You can do this, I am rooting for you, and I am proud you made this step! <3

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  5. So often I don't know what to say when I read these posts. But I just want to say that I'm reading, and that your son is so so brave to say that (I was/am the daughter of an alcoholic and could never have said that.) Holding hope and space for you and your family.

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  6. I also don't know what to say but want to lend you my support. I am also trying to work though alcohol addiction and your son's comment brought tears to my eyes. I have very young children, but it makes me think that if they could, they would say the same thing. I'm thinking of you and wishing you luck and peace and hope.

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  7. The straw for me was also my child, who started to play "pretend drinking". Broke my heart, and my denial. I'm sober about 1 1/2 years now. Grief comes in waves - you can learn to bear the pain, like labor, and remind yourself every time you feel a wave coming that you got through it before so you can do it again. You can do this. The change you seek is seeking you too.

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  8. Some time after I got sober my 18 year old son asked me if his grandfather was an alcoholic and I suggested he ask his mother. Her answer was "He never missed a day of work because of drinking." We all looked at each other and new the answer. It was yes. High functioning alcoholics are alcoholics with the same problems, same pain, same shame as any other alcoholic. I understand your pain and your loss, I understand your drinking to numb that pain. But I believe that I drank because I was an alcoholic, and as an alcoholic I had to quit or die.

    The drinking not only numbed my pain, it also kept me from seeing what I was really doing. Far more people knew I was drinking than I ever suspected. Like me, you have a chance to stop, to change your whole life around and find new plans, new joys, new freedom, new peace of mind. My alcoholism was a gift, because to recover I had to change in ways I never would have without it. I hope you find that path to living a happy, joyous, and free life.

    Hugs,

    Mike L

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  9. I'm so proud of you for being brave enough to share your thoughts and feelings. Have you been on this site reading others blogs for awhile? Or how did you come across it? I too, SOOO wish I could have a glass or two of wine. Just be a 'normal' drinker. But , believe me, I've tried over and over again! And I know in my heart I cannot. I am on day 75 with no wine (alcohol). I too, have a teenage son...who I know did not want me drinking. I'm a 'normal' person.....involved in church, etc......and I know it would blow many people away to find out that I have a problem with alcohol. I have decided , yes I'm CHOOSING, to not drink at all. And it's only ME, who can do that. It's pretty weird that we actually have a choice! And I'm choosing to trade in my wine, along with guilt and shame.....for Freedom! I feel so much better on the inside and out. I ask myself WHY would I actually Choose to go back????? So I encourage you in your journey. Give yourself GRACE.....know that our Heavenly Father knows exactly what you are feeling...and He cares! He hurts along with you....and wants to help carry your burden. I have to say, my relationship with my son is sooo much better. We talk....and laugh. I fill up my honkin wine glass very night with Pellegrino water......and drink as much as I want! :). The benefits FAR out way any pleasure of wine.

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  10. I'm like a lot of others and not sure exactly what to say when reading these posts, but I want you to know first of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine. Second, you are NOT alone in how you are feeling. I think for me that was a huge thing int he beginning - knowing that I wasn't the only one who felt this way. I felt so alone and just crazy when I was at my rock bottom.

    It is great that you are posting on this site. It means you are at least starting to think in the right direction. I can tell you that although it seemed trite when everyone kept saying, "You will have a life better than you could ever imagine", it really is true. If you are willing to give everything you have to your sobriety you will be so much happier.

    Good luck in your journey...keep coming back! :)

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  11. Losing your husband must have been devastating for you and your children. I wish you all the best in your journey.

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  12. I am so sorry for your loss. And I actually can imagine what you're going through as have a very similar story. My husband dropped dead unexpectedly at 51, leaving me and our 13 year old son. I too drank plenty before he died, but never in the way I figured an alcoholic did (alone, in the afternoon, more than two on a regular evening ). I held it together, no one knew how I was drinking...all those borders of alcoholic drinking were crossed and soon I just basically sat at home, playing on the internet and drinking until I passed out at night.

    It took me 5 years after his death to stop. I was in too much pain, the feelings were too strong, life was too hard and I deserved to drink after all I'd been through. Those facts were I think, true. The drinking was what was wrong, and what kept me from fully dealing with my feelings.

    Today I spent the morning being feted at my "home" AA group..celebrating a year of sobriety. I can promise you that it gets better. But you have to go through it, and it's not easy. The feelings are still here, oh god, are they ever. I miss my love every day. But drinking away the feelings will stop working; it will. And then it's even harder. Your son was brave to say that to you. My son never did, I hid my drinking well, but he definitely sees the difference now.

    My heart is aching for you . And I am sending huge love and support your way...
    go over to the side here and join the Booze free brigade. tell your story and start getting more support. I credit that board for my life today.

    I hold hope for you until you can find it again yourself

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