***Submitted by Anonymous
Like so many others, I’m not sure where to begin and I’m not completely sure where my problem with drinking began.
I just know that I have a problem and I want things to change.
Why do I drink?
I’m pretty sure that I drink now because my life it too painful and drinking dims the pain.
However, if I am completely honest with myself, while it may dim one form of the pain, it definitely creates another. A little background on my situation is probably in order.
I am an only parent of twp wonderful children. I use the term ‘only parent’ for a reason. My husband, the love of my life, died very unexpectedly a little over a year ago. He was only 50, myself 45.
Talk about something that rips a hole into the fabric of your very being.
Everything I had expected my life to be, our lives to be, immediately died with him. I probably was well on my way to having a problem with drinking before my husband died. His death, however, definitely accelerated things. My goal is to come home and drink enough wine so that I can pass out into oblivion.
Like so many others, I’m doubtful that many of my friends/family would suspect the extent of my problem. And now, even if they do wonder if I may drink too much, I’m pretty sure they chalk it up to my new found widow status.
I am highly functional.
I own a successful business, take good care of my children, maintain a spotless house… all the trappings of handling things as well as can be expected. Why am I here writing this now? For quite some time, I’ve recognized that as I am an only parent, I need to be a role model for my kids, I need to be present for them, I need to learn how to ‘feel’ once again and that means I need to be sober.
Last night was the proverbial “straw that broke the camel’s back”. My teenage son and I had a confrontation following a get together I had at our house with some of my girlfriends. We consumed a great deal of wine. After everyone left, he looked me in the eye and said, “mom, I want you to stop drinking.”
Wow, he’s told me on occasion that I drink too much, but never that. I’m not one of those that get outwardly drunk. In fact, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone who would say they’ve ever seen me drunk. None of that changes the fact that I do drink too much. So here I am… can I do this? I know that I really want to. But that is this moment.
I know there will come a moment when I really want that glass of wine. I so very wish that I could drink a glass or two and be done. It never stops at 1 or 2. It rarely stops before the bottle is gone. I owe it to my kids to get this right. They have suffered enough already and having an alcoholic for a mother is not acceptable.
Today is day one…. I want things to change.