Monday, January 16, 2012
Feet On The Path
***Submitted by Lynne
So I've been attending AA meetings for like three months now.
I've been going... and then picking up pretty much every night.
In the last two weeks, I've felt a change. I want to have what they have. I hear their stories, and I see myself. I'm used to drinking every day. Last week, I made it for three days before the weekend... then I screwed it up. Then last was my last drink... I made it until today. And now I picked up again. I'm a single mother of three.... and I'm proud to say I am actually doing a good job, considering I have a problem. I have triggers. I have to get past my triggers. Routine is obviously important to me. To the point where I've created triggers. I've had to change how I get home from work. What I do when I get home. Etc. Tonight was a routine I haven't had to do in a while, and I've failed the challenge. (taking my son to meet his father)
I meet these wonderful ladies in AA, and I've got their numbers. I'm going to call them this weekend. I realize I need to actually reach out and trust. I'm used to just dealing on my own and isolating. Isolating really works for me - like all alcoholics. It allows me to shut the world out and fuck up. Then I don't have to face anyone... but eventually have to face myself... There is where the problem starts. I realize through AA that isolating is not a good thing.
I used to think I was strong. I used to think I could handle this "issue." Obviously, I'm not able to. I don't have many girlfriends. This is a foreign thing to me.
Asking for help. Asking for help from fellow women... beautiful women, actually. I feel honored to be in this group. I am lucky, and God is trying to tell me something. Isn't there a song about that? hahahaha.... sigh... I am feeling happy and scared about the fact that I now feel humbled.
I've never been a religious person. But I do feel the presence of something greater than me, giving me love and hope.... and the most patience. I know I'm going to get there. And I'm building the bridges I need to in order to do it. So I was sober since last Sunday, but screwed up tonight.
I know I need to make the call to my people in AA.... but I'm struggling to make the call when I need to. I need to make these calls at the right times... Before I screw up. They are there to help me. I'm just scared and embarrassed to make the calls. I don't even know why. I know that if I call them, they will feel honored that I trust them in their sobriety to help me.
But I'm in a place of so much shame. So much fear. Wow..... I have issues :)
I'm happy that I'm on my journey... knowing it's going to be a long one.
But my feet are on the path, and I know it will be the most important journey of my life.
Since Lynne first submitted this post, she has also sent me this update: I've been sober now for 16 days. I've found a sponsor through the AA group I've been attending, and I'm feeling very good about myself and the journey I'm on. One day at a time, right? But I made it through Christmas and New Year's with sobriety for the first time in a long time. A long, long time :) I'm learning I can face life and some of the stressful stuff without having to dive into the bottle. I don't want to abuse myself any longer when I'm faced with the tough stuff. I used to think it helped me cope, but I always feel worse about myself for having done that to my spirit. I also liked to use it to reward myself... for having worked hard that day, or accomplished stuff at home, or did a good job as a Mom. But my reward now is having had a wonderful sleep and getting up in the morning feeling refreshed and not having a puffy face with bags around my eyes :) Like they say, the rewards of being sober is simply that - feeling good and healthy, rather than hungover and sick.