***Submitted by Christine
I am posting to come clean that I know I am an alcoholic. Up until now, I've bargained with myself and decided I was a "functional" alcoholic as no one really knows the extent of my drinking (not even my therapist!); I have never been in legal trouble; and, I'm a professional. This is excruciatingly painful to admit, yet there's some relief in saying it, too. Especially saying it to those who can relate. I don't think I am ready to say it in front of a group at an AA meeting, though. I've just looked at this site for the first time and am hungry to read all of the posts. Just the few I have read right now make me realize I am not alone and that I can not rely on my well-intentioned resolve to give up alcohol. So many statements I just read deeply resonated with me .. a sure sign that I share this painful struggle with all of you and that nothing about this struggle is "functional" for me, despite my rationalizations. I have so much to learn.
I am not sure what to do first - other than to admit to myself, at least, and to those of you reading this, that I am powerless over my drinking. I did not drink during my pregnancy and for several years thereafter. Then, slowly at first, I started back up with one glass of wine which escalated into a bottle plus every night for the past two years. All this time I have justified it because of the repetitive stress injury I got in my arms from work and how that has had such a detrimental impact on my life - because of the stress and conflict and insane workload I have as an attorney - because of the financial stress I am under - because I am lonely - because I fear I will never be in a relationship again - because I drink after my son goes to bed - because I think I am not good enough, and the list continues.
My friends and family would be shocked to hear how much I am struggling with these emotions and....how much I have been drinking. (Though the 25 pounds I have gained over the last two years is an external reflection that something is amiss.) My excessive pride, along with my immobilizing shame, gets in the way of my admitting to friends and family that I need help. I am too embarrassed to reveal such a huge flaw... I have so much self-loathing on top of all the other debilitating emotions and, because of my circumstances, I am rather isolated in many ways. I feel I have so many changes to make in my life and guess I have to tackle the most important one first. I am a single mom (by choice) of an awesome 7 year-old-boy whom I love so much - it disgusts me that my drinking resumed two years ago and I can't seem to give it up even though
I want so much to be a better mom - one that is sober at all times and fully embraces being in recovery. I only half-heartedly accepted it before.
I owe it to my son to confront my addiction. I owe it to myself to stop the obsession and the self-hatred that goes hand-in-hand with the bottle...or bottles, I should say...tons of them. I hope the damage I have done to my body (especially my liver which feels enlarged) is reversible. It's terrifying to think about it, quite honestly.
This is day one and the first time I have come clean with my revealing I am an alcoholic. Thanks to all of you for sharing from the heart...
Finally, ready for day 2.