Thursday, November 17, 2011

Something In Me Broke

***Submitted by Anonymous

Cry...Cry...Cry...that’s what I have been doing for the last 26 hours.

My eyes are so swollen that when I look in the mirror I do not look like the same person. The immense sadness and guilt I feel as a Wife, Mother, and person is overwhelming. I made it to my second AA meeting this morning and although it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am at least seeing that I don’t have to be afraid to connect with people and let them see the ugly part of me. Although I haven’t spoken out in a meeting (not there yet) I know my time is coming to tell my story and it scares me to death! I thought I’d start here because I don’t have to look anyone in the eye...yet.

Looking back I’ve always had an addictive personality. I’m a perfectionist in every sense of the word.

My house is always put together, I work a full time job (never late to work), and in my Master’s program with a 3.9 GPA. I have a wonderfully supportive Husband and two daughters who love me unconditionally. We own our house, own a business that is flourishing...so why do I get drunk everyday? On the outside, my life looks perfect.

No one who knows me would even guess that I’m an alcoholic, except my Husband, because I don’t let people that close to me. I show them only what I want them to see. I’ve lived this lie for so long that I’ve lost myself. Who am I really? I don’t know yet, but I want to get back to the person who could feel joy and laughter on any given day.

Nine months ago was the beginning of the end on my downward spiral to my rock bottom. I drove with my kids in the car drunk after a bottle of wine. My oldest freaked out when she noticed I had to cover one eye just to make the double vision go away. You would think that would be enough...but it wasn’t. My Husband told me I needed to talk to someone so I called a therapist. Saw her a few times and worked on some childhood issues but didn’t really dig into the drinking part of it.

I decided Pinot would have to go away because I couldn’t control it. I did great for a while because I substituted with my Husband’s vodka. I drank gin, vodka, and occasionally rum. I made all kinds of fun drinks only to get drunk and not remember the next morning. I would drank until I peed the bed on a fairly consistent basis. I would try to hide it, but I knew he knew...he had to yet he didn’t say anything. I was washing bed sheets 2 and 3 times a week. I was disgusted with myself. The hate and self-loathing every single morning and the promises not to drink that night only faded by the afternoon when I poured a drink. I found myself dancing with Pinot again last month and although I drank mostly vodka, if I bought a magnum of Pinot I could easily drink 1/2 to 3/4 of in a night only for the ugly cycle to start all over again.

Yesterday I woke up in urine after drinking 3/4 magnum of Pinot. Listening to my Husband get my 7 yr old ready for school, I was too afraid to get of out of bed because I didn’t want to be found out. My brain was hazy and I was trying to remember if I did or said anything mean to my Husband or kids. After the house was empty I did what I always did...wash the sheets.
 
Something in me broke.
 
I couldn’t stop crying. I got on this website and soaked up the words like sun rays...I had to get help because I couldn’t do it alone...not anymore. I called my Husband and he went with me to my first AA meeting. I cried the entire time, the guilt and embarrassment were overwhelming, but to my surprise I felt relief for this first time in years! I need to be here. I’ll die if I continue this life path. I need help.
 
As I rubbed my silver chip last night, I did not drink. I poured ole Pinot down the drain and poured myself into this website looking for more connections. I would have never found this website if it weren’t for Redbook last month. That article opened my eyes and connected with me on so many different levels. I felt like a hamster on a wheel to nowhere totally stressed (and still feel that way) but I know I’m on the path I need to be in order to be present for my family and myself.

21 comments:

  1. crying tears for you, and your journey towards a new life in sobriety. you have made such a huge step forward.

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  2. Congratulations! Talk about it and getting to a meeting are huge first steps. I remember the guilt and the shame, the horror of waking up not remembering what was said or if I did something horrible. That pain will go away. Much love to you. You can do it, one day at a time. Try to find a woman's meeting to go to. Those are great.

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  3. Should you continue to go to meetings, please know that you are not required to say anything if you choose not to. A female sponsor can handle anything you need to share until you feel comfortable enough to speak at group level.

    Admitting you have a problem is the first step, so you're well on your way. Keep coming back.

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  4. Atta girl—on the path is the beginning. One day at a time is all you have to worry about. I bet your husband is proud of you...

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  5. Twenty-Four Hours A Day Book by Hazeldon is a great book to order along with the Big Book. If the Big Book seems overwelming just read one page a day,in order or a random page each day.

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  6. YOU can beat this. YOU can. Just remember that...you have so much to look forward to. Stay strong.

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  7. PROUD of you! I found this site because of the Redbook article too! I can SO relate to you. I'm a perfectionist too,,,,,and have so much shame/guilt/self-loathing. I want/need to get out of this cycle too! Be easy on yourself.....love yourself as Jesus does!!

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  8. PERSEVERE!! you can do this...you've taken the huge first step...bless you...you are not alone.

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  9. Wow! I could have written every word of your post. The only difference is that my husband didn't attend AA with me and was also having a lot of physical problems that I was in denial about, that were caused by my drinking. We had just bought this new king mattress and I ruined it, washing sheets every morning is a drag, but it sure drove me to put down the wine bottle. It's amazing how fast the sober days add up, you can do this andyour life will be so much better!!

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  10. Welcome to the path that leads to a life that is happy, joyous, and free. I will not cry, I will cheer and celebrate your arrival. I would also invite you to join us over on the BoozeFreeBrigade, a safe place to share. Ellie has a link here in the comments page. We have a lot of fun celebrating sobriety there.

    Congratulations on starting.

    Hugs,

    Mike L

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  11. Congratulations on picking up that first chip - that one is THE most important one by far. You are not alone, nor do you ever have to be again. Every one of us knows how you are feeling even if we haven't been through the exact same issues that you have encountered. I agree with what others said here - find a good women's group and a good woman sponsor. You really can tell a good sponsor anything with zero judgment. Working the steps with a sponsor is a magical experience. Remember it's one day at a time and that are NOT a horrible person. You are a sick person just like that rest of us with this disease. But that does NOT make you a bad person. Prayers your way and good luck on your journey!!!

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  12. I wish you serenity and happiness in your new sober life. I guess we all need to be broken to get the gift of desperation that drives us to finally seek help. Thanks for sharing!

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  13. goodmorning. your story really spoke to me.. wow - you are on your way. stay strong and stay in your truth because you are worth it! when i first started going to meetings, i got so annoyed when people introduced themselves as 'grateful recovering alcoholics'.. seriously? what is there to be grateful for?!?! now, 15 months into my recovery - i am so very grateful! alcoholism and sobriety are some of the biggest gifts in my life. when i got sober and started the steps, i started to learn so much about myself. get ready, recovery is a wild ride -- but so worth it. one day at a time - you will be in my prayers..xoxo nicole

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  14. Thank you for being so brave and coming out into the light where there is recovery. You have told many of our stories with only slightly different details. Trust me, if a hopeless drunk like me can get sober and find joy, you can too. Keep seeking your recovery and the answers will follow. You don't have to live this way anymore. You just don't. Welcome to your recovery. xoxo

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  15. I have been reading these posts for a month now and I know that I need to make that first step and go to an AA meeting, but for some reason the fear keeps stopping me. I wish I could get over this fear about going. There is an open meeting tomorrow morning that I keep wanting to go to, but I can't even get up the courage for that. I hate this.

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  16. Keep going, that joy your looking for is right around the corner you just have to keep going until you can see around that corner.
    From my blog a week ago:
    I don’t know what made me decide finally. I guess it’s like ending up back at the same old familiar fork in the road trying to decide which way to go, I looked up one fork of the road and I saw people laughing and joking and having a couple of beers at a patio restaurant table, and then I looked further and I could see a beautiful sunset and a few friends out on a beach toasting each other and the end of the day with sparkling glasses of wine, and then the road bends and I can’t see any further. It doesn’t matter, I’ve been down that road hundreds of times and I know what is around that bend. I know that the road is full of ruts and potholes and dead ends, but I kept taking it because I kept thinking that maybe it will be different this time, maybe it will be fixed, maybe it will be improved. I knew where all the potholes and dead ends were, maybe if I just avoided them I could make it through. But the road never improved and every time there were new pot holes and no matter which way I turned,I kept ending up in the same dead end with no exit. I had to turn back around and make my way back to the fork in the road. So then I looked up the other road, I’d heard it was the better road, the safer road but it didn’t look like it. From where I stood, all I could see was a lonely stretch of highway, there were no bright restaurants or beach bars, no friends clinking glasses. It looked bleak and desolate. It too had a bend that I couldn’t see around, and I’d heard that once I got around that bend, things would be so much better, the road would be so much smoother and best of all, there were no dead ends. I finally decided I had to see what was around that bend. To be continued…

    I applaud your decision to attend AA, that takes a lot of courage. AA is not a form of support I have chosen for myself but I respect and admire their teachings and the people involved. Best wishes. We Can Do This!

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  17. "Something in me broke.
    I couldn’t stop crying. I got on this website and soaked up the words like sun rays..."

    I can't help but imagine a seed breaking open at just the right time, watered now by cleansing tears, soaking up support like sunshine ... and GROWING into something new, beautiful, not yet imagined.

    The growth won't all be easy, but you're through the hardest part. You may hear, "Don't quit before the miracle." Work the Steps and the miracles will just keep coming.

    Thanks so much for sharing. Congrats on getting to AA and blessing on your journey!

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  18. I washed a lot of sheets too. The shame and sadness you express were my story too.

    Crying thru that first meeting and feeling all that shame were the beginning of my giving up and trying it the way the sober people did things.

    GOD was I scared to go be there...but I just went in at the last minute, sat in the back and cried, and I came back the next day...it was just a wee bit better...and the next and the next...just try it Anonymous @8:54pm.

    Grateful for another sober day.

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  19. How wonderful to have you here, I'm so glad you walked into that room, the one that holds the program and fellowship which can support your sober life.

    This site is amazing, by simply reading other's stories we're able to see ourselves and remember our conviction that Step 1 is true for us.

    Please remember to Live One Day at a Time. It's only today we have to worry about, just 24 hours to stay sober and don't worry about the past or the future...you're not in either of those places.

    Go to meetings, pray and get a sponsor.

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  20. i am crying i want today to be different

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