***Submitted by Anonymous
Cry...Cry...Cry...that’s what I have been doing for the last 26 hours.
My eyes are so swollen that when I look in the mirror I do not look like the same person. The immense sadness and guilt I feel as a Wife, Mother, and person is overwhelming. I made it to my second AA meeting this morning and although it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am at least seeing that I don’t have to be afraid to connect with people and let them see the ugly part of me. Although I haven’t spoken out in a meeting (not there yet) I know my time is coming to tell my story and it scares me to death! I thought I’d start here because I don’t have to look anyone in the eye...yet.
Looking back I’ve always had an addictive personality. I’m a perfectionist in every sense of the word.
My house is always put together, I work a full time job (never late to work), and in my Master’s program with a 3.9 GPA. I have a wonderfully supportive Husband and two daughters who love me unconditionally. We own our house, own a business that is flourishing...so why do I get drunk everyday? On the outside, my life looks perfect.
No one who knows me would even guess that I’m an alcoholic, except my Husband, because I don’t let people that close to me. I show them only what I want them to see. I’ve lived this lie for so long that I’ve lost myself. Who am I really? I don’t know yet, but I want to get back to the person who could feel joy and laughter on any given day.
Nine months ago was the beginning of the end on my downward spiral to my rock bottom. I drove with my kids in the car drunk after a bottle of wine. My oldest freaked out when she noticed I had to cover one eye just to make the double vision go away. You would think that would be enough...but it wasn’t. My Husband told me I needed to talk to someone so I called a therapist. Saw her a few times and worked on some childhood issues but didn’t really dig into the drinking part of it.
I decided Pinot would have to go away because I couldn’t control it. I did great for a while because I substituted with my Husband’s vodka. I drank gin, vodka, and occasionally rum. I made all kinds of fun drinks only to get drunk and not remember the next morning. I would drank until I peed the bed on a fairly consistent basis. I would try to hide it, but I knew he knew...he had to yet he didn’t say anything. I was washing bed sheets 2 and 3 times a week. I was disgusted with myself. The hate and self-loathing every single morning and the promises not to drink that night only faded by the afternoon when I poured a drink. I found myself dancing with Pinot again last month and although I drank mostly vodka, if I bought a magnum of Pinot I could easily drink 1/2 to 3/4 of in a night only for the ugly cycle to start all over again.
Yesterday I woke up in urine after drinking 3/4 magnum of Pinot. Listening to my Husband get my 7 yr old ready for school, I was too afraid to get of out of bed because I didn’t want to be found out. My brain was hazy and I was trying to remember if I did or said anything mean to my Husband or kids. After the house was empty I did what I always did...wash the sheets.
Something in me broke.
I couldn’t stop crying. I got on this website and soaked up the words like sun rays...I had to get help because I couldn’t do it alone...not anymore. I called my Husband and he went with me to my first AA meeting. I cried the entire time, the guilt and embarrassment were overwhelming, but to my surprise I felt relief for this first time in years! I need to be here. I’ll die if I continue this life path. I need help.
As I rubbed my silver chip last night, I did not drink. I poured ole Pinot down the drain and poured myself into this website looking for more connections. I would have never found this website if it weren’t for Redbook last month. That article opened my eyes and connected with me on so many different levels. I felt like a hamster on a wheel to nowhere totally stressed (and still feel that way) but I know I’m on the path I need to be in order to be present for my family and myself.