Thursday, November 3, 2011

Peri's Story

***Submitted by Peri

I'm Peri and I'm an alcoholic. I had a drink today.

I was coming up on 7 months of sobriety after being in the program since the Summer of 2010. Three more days and it would have been 7 months. 7 months is a LONG damn time for a chick like me. I lost myself or never found myself and then drank to find myself. Really, I drank to drown parts of myself. I have been setting myself up for a relapse for some time. Even before picking up my 6 month chip.


I was a heavy drinker over a few different periods in my life. Teens, age 21 and 23-24. Maybe another time or two. BUT, I could always put alcohol down. UNTIL.......... That's the question I always try to answer, when did I become unable to put down a drink? My sponsor tells me it does not matter WHEN. I still try to retrace it though... for my own obsessive mind. When did a drink become a necessity for me? Not until my late 30's. I am now 40. My oldest child graduated from High School 4 yrs ago. My youngest child was living with his father at that time. The year of 2007 I began to get my drink ON. I felt like my 'mom' identity was gone. I drank because I could. It was fun. I was more social and able to be around people. Happy hour after work or drinks on the weekend with the girls.

Eventually, I became a person who preferred to drink alone. I would not have to worry about what I said, what I did, who I called or sent a text message to and so on when I blacked out. Because a black out was inevitable. At the end of my drinking I drank until I blacked out and / or passed out. I tried that 'controlled drinking' I was always right back to square 1. I think I set myself up to fail. Or I really am an alcoholic.

I have worked the steps at this stage. I continue to work the steps in my daily life. Okay, to the best of my ability. I know I'm not effing perfect. To bad, huh? LOL Anyway, wonderful tools. I hear it often shared in a meeting these tools would help those who are not just in recovery. So true, so true. I believe did a complete and thorough 4th step. I did my 5th step with my sponsor. Wow! I was feeling so free for awhile there. The pink cloud they tell me. I still have more amends to make. I know that's normal. Making amends takes time. Different people and circumstances, etc. I do 10, 11 and 12 most days. I guess I worked my program okay until today when I have forgotten or feel I have beaten step 1.

I find myself depressed more times than not lately. I find my life unmanageable at this time. More so than when I was drinking. I am job searching. How effing fun is that? NOT! Odds are I won't be working in the field that I prefer. And honestly, right now, that is a-okay. I just want to be working again. I want to be able to create a schedule. It's odd my alcoholic brain tells me that life was more manageable when I was drinking. I'm currently in isolation mode. And as sick as this will sound I am supposed to chair a meeting today.

Wow...WTH?

12 comments:

  1. Go gentle on yourself. Drinking alone and muttering nonsense is nothing compared to the warm clarity of sobriety. Saty busy and connected.

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  2. Thanks for sharing, who said sobriety is easy right? It's a total piss off when you do "all this work" and yet the world still turns and worldly issues arise.
    It's up to you what you want to do with it, how you react. Sit on the pity pot (hate that expression) or roll with it knowing that your Higher Power is in control.
    Funny, I didn't see you mention a Higher Power....just thought I'd mention it because He's what gets me through rough times.
    Tomorrow will be better.

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  3. Don't discount what you have accomplished to this point. I'm 62 and my story is the same as yours. Empty nest syndrome etc. I relapsed many times and have now been sober 10 years. Get honest with yourself. You are already negative about your job search. Maybe you won't have a job in your field but at least you will have a job. Hard to find a job when you are isolating in self-pity! Did you call your sponsor? Did you chair the meeting and admit you drank? Ask for a 1st step meeting. Ask for help.

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  4. I am you...but you are so much further along than me - take heart and rejoice!!!...at least you have nearly 7 months. I'd like to have 7 days.

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  5. My sponsor kept me on the first 3 steps for a year. I've never known anyone to take all of the steps in 6 months. Maybe it's time to slow down and go back to the first 3 steps. Find a Higher power and turn it over; then start over. It isn't a contest, it's your life.

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  6. Peri, chairing a meeting doesn't sound sick at all. Nor does coming here to share your story. Sounds like you've worked the program well and learned a lot from it.
    So you've fallen. Get back on that horse and ride. It is worth it. YOU are worth it!
    Thanks for sharing!

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  7. My heart aches for you after reading this. You don't deserve to feel sad and scattered the way you obviously do right now. Reach out at your group, be honest and keep right on trucking. Much love~

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  8. Peri,
    Here's a letter I received from my HP 6 months ago. Don't make the relapse bigger than it is, just move past it, don't get stuck.
    Dear you,
    Please don't give up. You have come so far and I am so proud of you. Do you know how hard it is to even admit you have a problem? So many people don't. I am so glad that you did. I was worried about you. I wish I could make this easy for you but if it were easy it would be too easy to go back to where you were. There are lessons you have to learn along the way to make you stronger than you were. I know they are hard and I know they are painful. Remember when you were a child and you touched a hot stove, it hurt and you cried but you never did it again. I wish this was that easy. I wish I could keep you from that damn stove but I can't. You have to do it yourself. You keep coming back thinking this time it won't burn you. But it always does. I don't like to see you hurt. Please keep trying to stop. I will help you. You can do this. We can do this together. You don't know how strong you are, but I do. I know you will learn to stop hurting yourself if you just don't give up.
    I wish I could promise you that all your problems will disappear if you just stop drinking, but they won't. People that don't drink have problems, too. I can promise you that you will be strong enough to handle your problems. I can promise you that you will have the peace of mind that you did your best. I can promise you the pride in being the best person you can be. Can I promise you happiness? No. Nobody is happy all the time. Happiness is temporary. But I can promise you contentment that lasts.
    I know you are doing your best.
    I'm not giving up on you. Don't you dare give up on yourself.
    I love you. I want you to love yourself.
    Love always,
    Me

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  9. Thank you for your honesty Peri!! Kary May...OMG!! Thanks for posting!! I need to hear that!!

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  10. Hey, you came clean right away. That's awesome. So you have to start over. It seems dark right now but the moment will pass. Pick yourself up and keep trudging and don't give up before the miracle!

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  11. I am so sorry. I feel kind of how you feel. I had a drink on day 29. Almost day 30, right? :( But it shows how strong this grip can be. Do it. Do it again. For the last time. You know what you have, you know it's worth it. You go get it back. I wish you the clarity, the peace and the best :)

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  12. I feel your pain. I am wondering how you are today....Every day is a new day with a new choice. I am talking to myself too. I drank a bottle of wine last night and I am SOOOOO mad at myself!!!! I was doing good.....and I felt better. Now I have guilt, shame and a slight hangover. My husband looked so disappointed when he came home from work and saw me with my huge goblet. He likes ME, but not me drinking. WHY oh WHY this bloody temptation?!?!?! I need to realize I cannot have ANY!
    Anyway...sorry to vent on your blog. I know the struggle.....and maybe together we can stay sober.....ONE day at a time.

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