***Submitted by Peri
I'm Peri and I'm an alcoholic. I had a drink today.
I was coming up on 7 months of sobriety after being in the program since the Summer of 2010. Three more days and it would have been 7 months. 7 months is a LONG damn time for a chick like me. I lost myself or never found myself and then drank to find myself. Really, I drank to drown parts of myself. I have been setting myself up for a relapse for some time. Even before picking up my 6 month chip.
I was a heavy drinker over a few different periods in my life. Teens, age 21 and 23-24. Maybe another time or two. BUT, I could always put alcohol down. UNTIL.......... That's the question I always try to answer, when did I become unable to put down a drink? My sponsor tells me it does not matter WHEN. I still try to retrace it though... for my own obsessive mind. When did a drink become a necessity for me? Not until my late 30's. I am now 40. My oldest child graduated from High School 4 yrs ago. My youngest child was living with his father at that time. The year of 2007 I began to get my drink ON. I felt like my 'mom' identity was gone. I drank because I could. It was fun. I was more social and able to be around people. Happy hour after work or drinks on the weekend with the girls.
Eventually, I became a person who preferred to drink alone. I would not have to worry about what I said, what I did, who I called or sent a text message to and so on when I blacked out. Because a black out was inevitable. At the end of my drinking I drank until I blacked out and / or passed out. I tried that 'controlled drinking' I was always right back to square 1. I think I set myself up to fail. Or I really am an alcoholic.
I have worked the steps at this stage. I continue to work the steps in my daily life. Okay, to the best of my ability. I know I'm not effing perfect. To bad, huh? LOL Anyway, wonderful tools. I hear it often shared in a meeting these tools would help those who are not just in recovery. So true, so true. I believe did a complete and thorough 4th step. I did my 5th step with my sponsor. Wow! I was feeling so free for awhile there. The pink cloud they tell me. I still have more amends to make. I know that's normal. Making amends takes time. Different people and circumstances, etc. I do 10, 11 and 12 most days. I guess I worked my program okay until today when I have forgotten or feel I have beaten step 1.
I find myself depressed more times than not lately. I find my life unmanageable at this time. More so than when I was drinking. I am job searching. How effing fun is that? NOT! Odds are I won't be working in the field that I prefer. And honestly, right now, that is a-okay. I just want to be working again. I want to be able to create a schedule. It's odd my alcoholic brain tells me that life was more manageable when I was drinking. I'm currently in isolation mode. And as sick as this will sound I am supposed to chair a meeting today.