***Submitted by Anonymous
Well, I thought yesterday was my breaking point.
My mom came over as I was hungover on the couch. My husband had taken our two youngest children to the grocery store and my oldest was upstairs watching her shows in her room.. My mom came in and once again begged me to quit drinking. I hate when she does that and yet she has once again done this in front of my daughter.
Once again, like usual, she cut me down to size. "you could be so beautiful", what the hell is that? I'd never say those words to my children, my children are beautiful in my eyes no matter what! I yelled at her and told her that this was not the time and she doesn't need to do this in front of my daughter and once again she insisted that my children are well aware of my addiction. Yes, she is right, but God, I don't want to hear it.
My children are 12, 9 and 6 and yes I was well aware of addiction at their ages so why should they be oblivious to it, right? I just wasn't ready for it. I was completely hung over from the night before and certainly did not need my mom bombarding me and my also alcoholic husband. Yes, we are fully functioning alcoholics, both holding jobs, maintaining a household and three kids. Wait, did I say fully functioning? That's wrong...did I mention how many choir concerts or parent teacher conferences I've missed because I was too buzzed to go or was working on my buzz and didn't want to stop? This is so incredibly painful for me.
I don't want to embarrass my children and I surely don't want them to experience my childhood. Yes, my parents were busy...busy working or sleeping because they worked, blah, blah.. still they were not there for me as a parent should be. I am here. I help with homework, I give baths and most importantly, I give hugs and kisses and let them know that they are loved, this is something I didn't have.
My parents were busy, I know that. They worked to make ends meet. I also know that it doesn't take but 2 seconds to give a hug and a smile to let someone know that they are loved, I never had this. It was clean this and pick up that or you'll get your ass beat. This is not how a child should grow up. So, no... I don't beat my kids for not cleaning their rooms and yes, I am an alcoholic. This pains me terribly. I don't want them to be embarrassed. I don't want them to grow up like I did. I just don't know how else to be.
I grew up with parents that either were too busy or too drunk to notice, I don't want that for them. I need help and I want help, I just don't know where to get it without being judged. Right now, as I sit here and type this... I've tucked in my children, done the laundry, helped with homework, cleaned my kitchen and sat through an awful traffic jam which took me two and half hours to get home...I do have a buzz. I've not had a bite to eat all day, because according to my mother, it wouldn't hurt me to lose some weight.
My pain is deep. My addiction is a disease and hereditary. I want to end this cycle. I want to speak with others that have this disease and I want to help and be helped....
Thank you so much for listening/reading.