Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Breaking Point?

***Submitted by Anonymous

Well, I thought yesterday was my breaking point. 

My mom came over as I was hungover on the couch.  My husband had taken our two youngest children to the grocery store and my oldest was upstairs watching her shows in her room..  My mom came in and once again begged me to quit drinking.  I hate when she does that and yet she has once again done this in front of my daughter. 

Once again, like usual, she cut me down to size.  "you could be so beautiful", what the hell is that?  I'd never say those words to my children, my children are beautiful in my eyes no matter what! I yelled at her and told her that this was not the time and she doesn't need to do this in front of my daughter and once again she insisted that my children are well aware of my addiction.  Yes, she is right, but God, I don't want to hear it. 

My children are 12, 9 and 6 and yes I was well aware of addiction at their ages so why should they be oblivious to it, right?  I just wasn't ready for it.  I was completely hung over from the night before and certainly did not need my mom bombarding me and my also  alcoholic husband.  Yes, we are fully functioning alcoholics, both holding jobs, maintaining a household and three kids.  Wait, did I say fully functioning?  That's wrong...did I mention how many choir concerts or parent teacher conferences I've missed because I was too buzzed to go or was working on my buzz and didn't want to stop?   This is so incredibly painful for me. 

I don't want to embarrass my children and I surely don't want them to experience my childhood.   Yes, my parents were busy...busy working or sleeping because they worked, blah, blah.. still they were not there for me as a parent should be.  I am here.  I help with homework, I give baths and most importantly, I give hugs and kisses and let them know that they are loved, this is something I didn't have. 

My parents were busy, I know that.  They worked to make ends meet.  I also know that it doesn't take but 2 seconds to give a hug and a smile to let someone know that they are loved, I never had this.  It was clean this and pick up that or you'll get your ass beat.  This is not how a child should grow up.  So, no...  I don't beat my kids for not cleaning their rooms and yes, I am an alcoholic.  This pains me terribly.  I don't want them to be embarrassed.  I don't want them to grow up like I did.  I  just don't know how else to be. 

I grew up with parents that either were too busy or too drunk to notice,  I don't want that for them.  I need help and I want help, I just don't know where to get it without being judged.  Right now, as I sit here and type this... I've tucked in my children, done the laundry, helped with homework, cleaned my kitchen and sat through an awful traffic jam which took me two and half hours to get home...I do have a buzz.  I've not had a bite to eat all day, because according to my mother, it wouldn't hurt me to lose some weight.

My pain is deep.  My addiction is a disease and hereditary.  I want to end this cycle.  I want to speak with others that have this disease and I want to help and be helped....

Thank you so much for listening/reading.

16 comments:

  1. To help and to be helped ...
    For your kids ... for yourself ...
    You are well on your way out just by saying so here. You could wait for things to get worse somehow, but you see those awful possibilities and have whatever it is - fatigue, pain, good sense - to say "no" now.
    Know that you are not alone. You've got a lot of insight into what is going on already. Trust your gut to lead you forward. Listen and you will hear what you need to take the next steps. God bless!

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  2. Admitting to yourself that you have a problem is HUGE step. It took me forever to even get to that point. My mom was the same way during my active addiction. She went so far as to follow me around secretly to see where I was going, who I was with, etc. What I have come to realize though is that she is also sick. My sponsor says that sometimes the people in Al-Anon are more sick than we who are in AA. I can see where that would be true. As for a place where you will not be judged, Alcoholics Anonymous is just the place for that. I have NEVER felt more accepted for exactly who I am - good and bad - than in those meetings. If you haven't been to one, finding a good one would be good for you, even if just to go and listen for a bit. Women's meetings are great if you have any in your area. Hang in there...there are LOTS of us out there like you so don't feel alone.

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  3. I find it horrible that the fear of being judged keeps so many people from seeking help for this disease. Those of us who are recovering alcoholics (and I am one) know this is a disease and not some moral shortcoming. We do not judge because we have already been where you are now. We do speak the truth about what the disease did to us, but without judgement.

    I can recommend two places to go for help and understanding where you will not be judged. The first has a link on the right side of this page, it is BoozeFreeBrigade. I think there are well over 1000 ladies and mothers just like you, and one male, me. It is a wonderful, safe place to be.

    The other place is Alcoholics Anonymous. There you will get not only understanding but also help and a program that will lead to sobriety, which I see as living life happy, joyous, and free.

    You have taken the first steps to recovery, looking for help. Come join us as we progress.

    Hugs,

    Mike L

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  4. You sound like I did "rationalizing" my drinking by saying how well I maintained the household. You admit you are an alcoholic, that's the 1st step ! Now, I would suggest finding out where there are meetings in your area and start going..This is something you do for yourself, just don't give up !! It is done One Day At A Time..if someone like me could get sober, so can you ! xoxo

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  5. You're being judged regardless. As an active alcoholic and (hopefully) as a recovering alcoholic. Your relationship with your parents will not magically transform and become healthy once you get sober. It may get better over time but its not going to happen ovenight. In all honesty, I no longer have associations with some family members simply because I have changed so much in sobriety and the relationships remained dysfunctional. Sometimes we need to cut ties. People who are professionals in the treatment community or in AA will not judge you for seeking help.

    However,alcoholism is a progressive disease and you will ultimately spiral out of control. If you want it bad enough, you will need to step beyond your fears and simply seek the help. Therapists, AA, rehab...whatever.

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  6. Wow, what a HUGE step towards a healthier life just by having the "balls" to write a part of your story. There are so many people like you and so much non judgmental support (booze free brigade is so amazing). I am so proud of you and the thing is, you just help a bunch of woman who are too scared to say the things you did, you rock, your a great person and you will recover with so support some tears and just getting through one day at a time. I believe in you and I think you believe in you too!! Keep moving forward, don't look back, that is not where you are going!!!

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  7. I agree with Kristin - the disease is progressive in that it gets incrementally worse over the years - so some benchmark you hold now as "I would never do that" will soon be something you do each week without blinking.

    If you are ready, make a strong, lifelong commitment to yourself that you will be sober for everyone to share your life. I am proof that it is not as hard as it may seem.

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  8. When you say, "I just don't know how else to be," I can relate. I'm 35, and I've spent more of my life drinking that not (20 years). Honestly, I think we have to relearn how to live life without alcohol. I am only 23 days sober, but I'm ready to do this - to continue this journey. Not just for me, but for my son. Because I too, grew up with a severely alcoholic and unavailable father and I refuse to do to my son, what my parents did to me. I'd also like to add, that I too am what would be considered a "functional alcoholic," but honestly, I'd be lying to myself if I really thought that.

    I can feel your hurt and pain and desire to stop. It's also very hard having a husband who drinks. I too was in your shoes, until we divorced due to his alcoholism, while all along, my alcoholism was escalating as well. It becomes a sick, vicious cycle, and sadly, it gets worse and worse, and as our alcoholism progresses, we're better able to justify it and lie to ourselves and everyone else.

    When you are ready, you will stop. When you are tired of being tired, you will stop. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I am determined this time around. I have admitted aloud to all of my friends and family. I am getting cognitive therapy. I have also (today) decided to start taking Antabuse, to save myself the trouble of even "thinking" about a drink. There is SO much support out there, as well as amazing women in our shoes.

    With all hopes, you can relate to something I've said. If I am doing this, trust me, you can too! I will be praying for you!

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  9. I also take antabuse like Jill. Antabuse for 2 years along with a sponsor, regular meetings and "working the steps" with your sponsor has been key to my 79 days of sobriety this time around. Antabuse gives me freedom to live my life during a day.

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  10. It breaks my heart to read all the letters on this blog. There is a solution. A.A. is the answer. Let those wonderful people love you until you can love yourself. I have lived 19 wonderful years, one day at a time. Sobriety is not easy, but it is so worth it.

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  11. I could have written this myself (minus the mother part)....when I told my mother, she said (along with my sister), "You don't 'look' like an alcoholic"....but I know I am and although I've always thought of myself too as 'high functioning'....well, as this shit has progressed, 'highly functioning' is just not in my vocab these days....there is nothing 'positive' functioning in my life right now.....so I'm headed to rehab TODAY...AA is wonderful too - I've been going for almost 2 yrs now...I just need a little extra help now...this last relapse just isn't going away. I wish you all the best and will say a prayer for you...the hardest part is admitting it to yourself & others and you've done that...now think about making a plan of action. You CAN do this! Big hugs to you!
    Annette

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  12. I know where you are coming from, and I also knw what it's like to be the child of alcoholics. My parents are very nice, loving people. And they are alcoholics. They always fell into the high-functioning category, but they are now in their 60s, and it is not pretty. As people have said, it's progressive. It breaks my heart what it is happening to my parents now, physically and mentally, because of their longtime drinking.

    I am also an alcoholic and got sober, in no small part because I wanted to take a different path for my own kids. I promise you that you will be more present when you're sober, even if that seems impossible now. As others have said, no one will judge you in AA. In fact, I have never felt LESS judged than I do in AA. It's so welcoming; people will "get" you. And it will feel as if a huge burden has been lifted once you share it. That was my experience, at least.

    Good luck!!

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  13. I can relate to the fact that my childhood was affected by my mother's alcoholism. For her to judge me now is like... super annoying. Now that I'm getting clean and had the courage to tell her about that... now she's making it all about her. How SHE should have been better. And worrying about what I'm talking about to my counselors? She doesn't want to be the topic of conversation in my recovery. Well honestly... it has nothing to do with her... it's only MY recovery. It's mine. It belongs to ME. Funny how family is. You love them, but it puts a perspective on how we got here. Yes, our past plays a part of it, but it's not who we are. We are responsible for our own crap. We are responsible for fixing it. Don't be too hard on yourself. We all do our best as parents, just as they did (at that time). But be strong enough to be good for yourself, and through that you will be a better person and parent than you had when you were a child.

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  14. You know....I really have a hard time feeling sorry for you. I feel most sorry for your children. I've been sober for eight years and certainly know your pain..but come on!! You are blaming your mom alcoholism and crappy childhood. You don't want to stop drinking bottom line. This BS about it being a disease is just what it is BS. Stop DRINKING you will be CURED. The other bloggers here are coddling you and that's exactly what you want. You don't want to be judged! Too fricken bad! You need to be judged! You are messing up big time. You worry what people think of you but could care less what your children think when you are passed out or hung over. Stop the pity party and once and for all QUIT DRINKING!!! Signed: I used to be YOU!!!

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  15. I grew up with alcoholic parents, and it sucks, I know this. By reading your post, I sense a lot of anger, and that's ok, unless you let it turn into unforgiveness and it keeps you in this dark place (like my father, for example). I would like to encourage you to set up healthy boundaries with your parents until you get back on your feet, heal your mind and family, and start the road to recovery. That's all that matters right now. Best to you.

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  16. I'm with Kristen, the disease of Alcoholism is insidious, it will progress and you'll be shocked at how it changes you and your limits.

    You've said the words, now are you ready to change...if you are then you have to want to enough to do something.

    Find a meeting, wether AA or the BoozeFreeBrigade or another...talk to your GP.

    Believe me when I say it's all so worth it. It's not easy but then what is?

    I was a corporate professional with kids and a hubby and FEAR of judgement, what life would look like, being an outsider...everything kept me from living fully for far too long.

    Go, do it, you're worth it

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