Friday, November 11, 2011

Admitting It For The First Time

***Submitted by Cathy

My name is Cathy and I'm an alcoholic

This is my very first time 'saying' those words. This is still one of my best kept secrets (or so I think). There are maybe one or two people that know about my drinking problem, but I don't know if they realize the severity of it or the danger that I pose to my children on a daily basis when I pass out from drinking.

If I am being honest, I am on day two of no alcohol. I drank myself into oblivion on Saturday night. I do not remember how I fell asleep. I do remember being woken up by my 16 month old son, who wanted to his morning boobie fix (I am still night time nursing).

As I mentioned earlier, my drinking is still pretty tightly secured. My older son (7), does realize that I drink every night, but I think he likes the drunk me better (so do I!). The drunk mommy is silly and plays loud music and dances around with him and falls down!! The drunk mommy pays more attention to him and listens to him and plays more with him. The sober mommy is mean or sad all the time, distracted and irritable and has virtually no patience for him or his younger brother. The sober mommy is quiet - too quiet. The sober mommy carries along so much guilt that she easily begins to rationalize why it may even be better for her to be drunk mommy again!! She certainly seems like a much better mommy!! She's fun and her kids are laughing and playing and dancing with her!!!!

I don't remember when my casual glass of wine at night turned into my daily need to finish an entire bottle before passing out. I cannot pinpoint at which time in my life, life just got too hard to handle. I can't seem to recall where one glass too many should've been my signal to stop. I do know that I almost always drank to get drunk. I do know that my daily drinking is a problem and I do know that if I don't do something now to stop it, something terrible WILL happen to me or my children. I do know that I need help. I'm embarrassed, I'm ashamed, I feel like a failure.

I'm hoping that this writing will be cathartic and will provide a sense of self-therapy for me, at least until I feel strong enough to say those words to a live human.

18 comments:

  1. I, too, was the sober mommy/drunk mommy and believe me scarey mommy and embarrassing mommmy are right around the corner. Please stop now before your kids have only drunk/scarey/embarrassing mommy memories of growing up. Start giving them the memories they deserve, right now. I wish I would have.

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  2. Oh, Cathy. I'm proud of you for having the guts to write about your drinking. I'be been reading this site for a month now, after reading the article in Redbook called..."My mommies an alcoholic". I, too, went from a couple glasses to polishing off a bottle, and even opening another one. Having blackouts, I guess you call it. Because I would ask my teenage, and now adult kids a question in the morning...and they would say, "MOM~~~ we talked about that last night!!" I am ashamed, and humiliated...guilt-ridden.....and now wanting to REALLY do something about my 'problem'. Its still hard to say alcoholism....but thats what it is. Cathy, I hope and pray you have the 'want to' to do something NOW, before your kids get any older. I thought I was more fun drinking too,, but really, I was checked out. When I don't drink, I am PRESENT. I know now, that I am not strong enough~~~~it is only with Gods strength that I can stay sober. (day 4 today). :) I pray for peace, joy and strength for you today Cathy!!!

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  3. I could have written this. I don't know you, but please know that you are not alone in this struggle. I will pray for you to have strength.

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  4. distracted, irritable mommy disappears when the alcohol haze lifts...I am so proud of you for taking this step, and I can't wait for you to experience the joy that comes with more and more sober days under your belt. One day at a time, you will feel better, about yourself and about life.

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  5. You are definitely NOT a failure. God does not make mistakes. I used to be this same way - I think my stepkids preferred the drunk me also. You are right, we are more fun that way right?? The good news is that if you decide that you truly want to get sober you CAN have lots of fun with the kids and it's so much more fulfilling doing it sober. You are not alone. There are many of us out there who were or are in your situation. Keep writing if that helps. Congrats to you on making the first step!

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  6. You are not a failure. You have so much to live for. When you stop drinking, you are still going to have days where you are irritable. It's not all sunshine. But it's real. Have you ever thought you may be depressed? Irritability is big sign of it. Medication can work wonders. You can change your life now. Do it. I did. I have 4 kids and they have a sober mommy now. I love being present with them, even when I want to hide in the kitchen and eat chocolate. It's me. Sober. Nothing better. Blessings to you.

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  7. Cathy, you have amazing clarity about things and about what needs to come next - saying these things out loud to another human being. I hope that happens for you soon, that you find that person - a counselor or minister or friend, an AA group. God bless you and your kids.

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  8. Cathy,Your admission that your a alcoholic is a giant first step and knowing you need and want to be sober is a wonderful motivator.I am going on 10 months of sobriety and it is not easy, but I finally seem to be out of the brain fog and able to think clearly.Your blog has so many truths in it I could relate too. Your not a failure and your taking your first steps to being your kids Hero! I,am so proud of you! You will be in my thoughts and prayers daily. The book, Drinking:A love Story is a great help.It has helped me Greatly! Hugs. Deb

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  9. You aren't alone. I relate. Keep telling the truth, and connecting here and on the BFB boards if you want more interaction.

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  10. As i sit here reading comment,not able to see through my tears. I know im a drunk. I started out trying to make myself feel better, an it worked for a lot of years.Now i got to have it,if i dont i get verrrry sick on the stomache an i just found i out i have liver disease. An still i keep drinking, i have no one to tell or talk to.I dont know were to start to get sober.I have two boys an they know mommie drinks everyday.Im so ashame of myself, all i do is stay home because i dont want people to see how i am today..Or how i look. I know i need help in rehab but i hate to leave my kids. Is there anyone who stopped on there own.

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  11. I didn't stop on my own but I didn't go the traditional route of AA or rehab, instead I fashioned my own recovery by starting my own blog, joining several online support groups and message boards and participating. It is not an easy process no matter what method you choose, the key is to be committed to getting better through however many relapses and ups and downs you have. If you have diagnosed liver disease it is very important that you are under medical supervision, especially when you are withdrawing from alcohol.

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  12. Cathy,
    You're not alone. I'm fortunate that I stayed pretty much in control when my kids were young. Such wonderful period. I agree with April..that the kids are fun and will have fun with you when you are sober too.
    It's positive that you are admitting and recognizing your problem now.
    Seeing the problem is a beginning.
    And to anonymous, I feel for you. I'm still drinking, but I'm trying. Keep in touch with Crying out now. You'll know that you aren't the only one, you'll know that you aren't alone.
    YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

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  13. Cathy,
    Only you can know what path is right for you but one piece of advice I can offer first hand is do it now while your kids are young. I actually didn't start heavily drinking(meaning when my kids could recognize it) until my kids were in jr. high. It hurts even more when they are the ones begging you to not do it...

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  14. I, too, could have written this. My youngest, 8 (I have 4: 17, 13, 11, 8) only knows the "fun mommy after dinner time". Now the sober mommy has to be that same fun mommy, only in a better way. But you know what? The sober mommy wants to do other things.... arts & crafts, baking... the thing the other "fun" mommy didn't want to do.

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  15. Cathy, much love to you. I can relate to your post. I thought my son would only love the fun mommy, too, but my drinking got out of hand and lead me down a road where I never thought I would be. I come to realize that "present, sober" mommy is a much better place. Try going to an AA meeting. You are not alone!

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  16. I didn't go to rehab, I went to AA and it saved my life. If you go with an open mind and a true desire to stop drinking..and will go to any lengths to achieve it ....it will work for you.

    You aren't alone in your journey, your shame, your guilt or fears. We women here all understand...and in the rooms.

    I'm praying for you

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  17. I could have written almost every one of these posts. I am so scared and ashamed and terrified to stop and not to. My husband is a saint and I have a beautiful 8 year old boy and I see the fear in his eyes when I start drinking. Every day he asks me at least 3 times, are you going to pick me up after school mom? I think he is so afraid I am not going to show and one of these days I wont if I dont stop now. Praying for strength for us all

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