***Submitted by Cathy
My name is Cathy and I'm an alcoholic
This is my very first time 'saying' those words. This is still one of my best kept secrets (or so I think). There are maybe one or two people that know about my drinking problem, but I don't know if they realize the severity of it or the danger that I pose to my children on a daily basis when I pass out from drinking.
If I am being honest, I am on day two of no alcohol. I drank myself into oblivion on Saturday night. I do not remember how I fell asleep. I do remember being woken up by my 16 month old son, who wanted to his morning boobie fix (I am still night time nursing).
As I mentioned earlier, my drinking is still pretty tightly secured. My older son (7), does realize that I drink every night, but I think he likes the drunk me better (so do I!). The drunk mommy is silly and plays loud music and dances around with him and falls down!! The drunk mommy pays more attention to him and listens to him and plays more with him. The sober mommy is mean or sad all the time, distracted and irritable and has virtually no patience for him or his younger brother. The sober mommy is quiet - too quiet. The sober mommy carries along so much guilt that she easily begins to rationalize why it may even be better for her to be drunk mommy again!! She certainly seems like a much better mommy!! She's fun and her kids are laughing and playing and dancing with her!!!!
I don't remember when my casual glass of wine at night turned into my daily need to finish an entire bottle before passing out. I cannot pinpoint at which time in my life, life just got too hard to handle. I can't seem to recall where one glass too many should've been my signal to stop. I do know that I almost always drank to get drunk. I do know that my daily drinking is a problem and I do know that if I don't do something now to stop it, something terrible WILL happen to me or my children. I do know that I need help. I'm embarrassed, I'm ashamed, I feel like a failure.
I'm hoping that this writing will be cathartic and will provide a sense of self-therapy for me, at least until I feel strong enough to say those words to a live human.