***Submitted by Jessica
I've joked for years about being an "alcoholic", usually the day after a crazy night of drinking. I've being drinking for more than 20 years now, I remember my first time I was 12, sipping the vodka from under the kitchen sink at my Dad's house and putting water in so he wouldn't know. Then things progressed to weekend binges, I was 14. It was fun we'd have or go to parties were we'd smoke pot and drink so much we'd puke (that wasn't fun). I kept this hidden from my family for years until I was old enough to legaly drink. From that point on at just about every family get together I was wasted!
In 2006 we bought a house an hour away from all family and friends. Over time my drinking got progressively worse. There were many days my husband would come home at 4 pm and I'd already be drunk. I was working part-time at a local grocery store and on the days I wasn't working I was drinking. Ha, who am I kidding I would drink before I went to work, there was even a few times I had to call out because one of the kids was "sick"~code for I got to drunk to go in. There were even a few times I got a call from the school to pick up a sick kid and I had to brush & gargle and hope they didn't smell the beer on my breath.
It was about a year or so ago when I realized I had a "real" problem. I told my husband I couldn't do this anymore I need to quit. That never lasted more than a day. One things sets me off and well "I've had a rough day" and I need a drink.
I have driven under the influence on many occasions, yes I have done it with my children in the car. It's almost shocking I have not gotten a DUI. Most recently we had hurricane Irene roll through and to prepare I stocked up on batteries, water, candles, a liter of Bacardi, 2 bottles of Diet Coke and a case of Bud. I started drinking at 9:30 am and ran out of Diet Coke before noon so I sent my ever so faithful hubby out for more....in the middle of a f~ing hurricane! Not more than 5 min after he pulled in our driveway a tree fell in the road, if he had been any later it would have landed on him. But hey, I got my Diet Coke!
I've recently started seeing a therapist to come to terms with my problem. I know I need to stop but I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be fun anymore, I'm scared to live a "sober" life, how will I "relax & unwind"? What about all those awkward social events, how will I "fit in"?
I'm nearly ready, I have been slowly weaning myself. I know that probably sounds silly but I tried to go cold turkey and it was NOT pretty. I'm not sure if this is the right way but it's all I can do for now.
I went to an AA meeting a few weeks back. I sat in the parking lot watching all the people, I waited til they all went in hoping to seek in. Well I didn't know what room the meeting was in so I had to ask the girl at the front desk, I couldn't say "alcoholic or AA" for that mater so I simply asked were the 6:30 meeting was? Of course she called me out wanting to know which meeting I was referring to~bitch! So I had to say it out loud. When I found the room I passed the floor a dozen times almost going in, finally I went in. Well there was NO sneaking in the back row. The group all sat around at tables set in a giant square, talk about awkward (I was wishing the hole time I had a few beers before hand so I would feel so out of place). I sat through the hole meeting harding looking up in fear of making eye contact, listening to random people talk and tell their stories of what lead them there. Their were bits in me in each of there stories. I have yet to go back but may soon as I come to grips with the fact I AM an alcoholic and I NEED help.
FYI~I opened my new issue of Redbook and when I came across the article about Mommies and alcoholic I thought oh my god it's a sign but I hurried uo and out in my bag to read when I got home because I could dare let anyone at work see me read it. When I finally did read it and found this Blog I knew, I just knew, I was not alone.