Thursday, October 13, 2011

I'm Nearly Ready

***Submitted by Jessica

I've joked for years about being an "alcoholic", usually the day after a crazy night of drinking. I've being drinking for more than 20 years now, I remember my first time I was 12, sipping the vodka from under the kitchen sink at my Dad's house and putting water in so he wouldn't know. Then things progressed to weekend binges, I was 14. It was fun we'd have or go to parties were we'd smoke pot and drink so much we'd puke (that wasn't fun). I kept this hidden from my family for years until I was old enough to legaly drink. From that point on at just about every family get together I was wasted!


In 2006 we bought a house an hour away from all family and friends. Over time my drinking got progressively worse. There were many days my husband would come home at 4 pm and I'd already be drunk. I was working part-time at a local grocery store and on the days I wasn't working I was drinking. Ha, who am I kidding I would drink before I went to work, there was even a few times I had to call out because one of the kids was "sick"~code for I got to drunk to go in. There were even a few times I got a call from the school to pick up a sick kid and I had to brush & gargle and hope they didn't smell the beer on my breath.

It was about a year or so ago when I realized I had a "real" problem. I told my husband I couldn't do this anymore I need to quit. That never lasted more than a day. One things sets me off and well "I've had a rough day" and I need a drink.

I have driven under the influence on many occasions, yes I have done it with my children in the car. It's almost shocking I have not gotten a DUI. Most recently we had hurricane Irene roll through and to prepare I stocked up on batteries, water, candles, a liter of Bacardi, 2 bottles of Diet Coke and a case of Bud. I started drinking at 9:30 am and ran out of Diet Coke before noon so I sent my ever so faithful hubby out for more....in the middle of a f~ing hurricane! Not more than 5 min after he pulled in our driveway a tree fell in the road, if he had been any later it would have landed on him. But hey, I got my Diet Coke!

I've recently started seeing a therapist to come to terms with my problem. I know I need to stop but I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be fun anymore, I'm scared to live a "sober" life, how will I "relax & unwind"? What about all those awkward social events, how will I "fit in"?

I'm nearly ready, I have been slowly weaning myself. I know that probably sounds silly but I tried to go cold turkey and it was NOT pretty. I'm not sure if this is the right way but it's all I can do for now.

I went to an AA meeting a few weeks back. I sat in the parking lot watching all the people, I waited til they all went in hoping to seek in. Well I didn't know what room the meeting was in so I had to ask the girl at the front desk, I couldn't say "alcoholic or AA" for that mater so I simply asked were the 6:30 meeting was? Of course she called me out wanting to know which meeting I was referring to~bitch! So I had to say it out loud. When I found the room I passed the floor a dozen times almost going in, finally I went in. Well there was NO sneaking in the back row. The group all sat around at tables set in a giant square, talk about awkward (I was wishing the hole time I had a few beers before hand so I would feel so out of place). I sat through the hole meeting harding looking up in fear of making eye contact, listening to random people talk and tell their stories of what lead them there. Their were bits in me in each of there stories. I have yet to go back but may soon as I come to grips with the fact I AM an alcoholic and I NEED help.

FYI~I opened my new issue of Redbook and when I came across the article about Mommies and alcoholic I thought oh my god it's a sign but I hurried uo and out in my bag to read when I got home because I could dare let anyone at work see me read it. When I finally did read it and found this Blog I knew, I just knew, I was not alone.

20 comments:

  1. No, you are not alone. You are in good company. Good for you for taking this step. Prayers are with you.

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  2. You didn't indicate what kind of AA meeting it was, but maybe you could start with a Women Only meeting. Those meetings are a great jumping off point for the newcomer, female member. And please, remember that you do not need to identify as an alcoholic or even give your name in an 'Open Metting.' Anyone is welcome at those. The 'Closed Meetings' are for those that wish to stop drinking, but even then you don't need to give your real name. And you don't need to share, either. You could just sit there and listen.

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  3. You aren't alone - that same article led me here to this website. I've tried many times to "manage" my drinking but it never seems to work. I'm just tired of all the negatives that go hand in hand with my drinking. I have guilt, shame, depression, sad kids, embarassment, blackouts, illegal behavior (drinking n driving), lies to cover up, and the list goes on and on. And for what??? To be the "fun girl" or to unwind?? I love to come here and see that I'm not alone and now you can too. Think of all the good that can come out of being sober...it's scary, trust me I am scared but I'm more scared of not stopping. Take it one day at a time...I'm on day 7 today and it feels great!! All the best to you...

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  4. Find a treatment program, in patient or out that your insurance will cover. Have the Dr. presribe antabuse for the first 6 months and go to 90 meetings in days for instructions.

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  5. Thank you for being so honest. Going to AA can feel odd at first, but that is what helped me to get and stay sober. I agree about finding a womens meeting. Share at the meeting only when you feel ready, but, until then... listen to what they are saying. Connect with another woman alcoholic and talk with her often.

    I see the comment about a treatment program, antabuse and 90 meetings. I've been sober for 14 years. I tried treatment... and drank afterwards. I tried antabuse... and drank during (not good!). But that was *me*. For me, it was AA, getting a sponsor, and the support of other women that worked. Find your path. It might include ALL of the above and that is fine. Good luck!

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  6. I learned of this site this morning and it has brought me here....i need to have ppl like you guys in my life to help me get from almost ready to ready...i completely understand all of these stories and it is a very scarey thing to go through alone!

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  7. What worked for me was my kids. I grew up as a child of an alcoholic and it was a lonely and sad experience. I never wanted to put my children through what I lived each day as a child. I stopped drinking when I saw the mommy article too. It was a lightbulb moment for me. You mentioned that you have "sad kids". Do it for yourself and especially your children. They know you aren't present. The best thing you can do for them is to be happy yourself. Good luck - you can do this! All you have to do is make the decision. The power is yours.

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  8. Thank you so much for being courageous enough to share your story. It took me every last drink I had to decide to get sober and STAY sober, and even then, it was a day-by-day process. No, you are not alone. If you are just willing, you can become part of a fellowship that is full of love, acceptance, and growth. It is a gift. I hope you will accept that gift when you are ready. Many blessings to you.

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  9. I agree with Lisa H. For me it also takes "every last drink" and sometimes even a stroll down memory lane to a few of the choice memories that remind me I am an alcoholic. The only drink I need to say no to is the first one -- once I do that, the others are easy. Hang in there. Share what happens. You are not alone.

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  10. I also was lead to this site by the Red Book article. Trying to build up my courage to make the first step I so desperately need. Its getting old - this drunk stuff. These letters, so eloquently written are a wonderful starting point.I dont feel alone anymore ... its a beautiful feeling and will only get better when I stop abusing my body & mind. My schedule is so hard ... up at 4:15am to go to work and home by 6pm to take care of my young son, aging mother, too big of a house, and an older son who is also battling alcohol along with a husband who doesnt come home till after I am in bed. When can I find time for AA meetings? Somehow ... I must try soon to love myself enough to do so... Thank-you Crying Out Now and all the beautiful women who encourage one another.

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  11. To find a meeting: go online - google AA meetings in your area. Meetings are everywhere. A Women's Only meeting will be safest. You don't need to speak at meetings. Just listen. Listen until your gut tells you to speak. When you speak it will be your truth, your story. NO ONE will be shocked by your story. Reach out to another woman at the meeting. Do this for yourself. You need to get healthy before any family member including your children can get healthy.

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  12. Eventually, we all come to that realization - just that some of us have the courage to do something about it.
    You are very brave confronting yourself like this. It will change you as a person.
    Good Luck.

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  13. I can feel your pain through your post. I have been sober for almost 6 years, and remember well the effort I put into drinking and the unmanageability it caused in my daily routine. The mouthwash and gum, the writing things down so I wouldn't forget, the questions I asked to discretely try to remember the conversations I had with my husband and kids the night before, the effort to get and hide the next bottle...it was exhausting! Not to mention the physical discomfort of being sick and shaking every morning. I am so grateful to be rid of that hell.
    You mentioned your discomfort with AA meetings. When I went to my first meeting, my biggest far was seeing someone I knew ("hello...they are there for the same reason!!!") At my first meeting I cried all the way through. After the meeting a man said to me, " Aren't you Matt's Mom?" It was a father from my son's soccer team. And believe it or not, the sound of his question made me laugh, and gave me a sense of relief and belonging unlike any I have felt. I suddenly felt that I was not alone. AA is filled with people just like you. When you open your mouth and your heart to ask for help in the rooms of AA, you help other's stay sober, and you open yourself to feel love and support like no other. By putting your hand up and letting it out, you become the most important person in the room. You can't do this alone by reading the AA website, trying online meetings, or reading this blog. These things are wonderful supplements, but you need to be face to face with other alcoholic women. I promise you...what you will gain is far more than what you might think you have to lose.

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  14. I think that everyone has to have their own outlet and road to sobriety. Congrats to all of you who have found your sobriety through AA but please don't make it seem like it's the only way or without it a person can't succeed. AA is a great tool if it works for YOU but it doesn't work for everyone. What sobriety comes down to is a personal decision, choice, committment and lifestyle. Whether you get that through help from meetings, rehab, therapy, family, websites, blogs, or anything the ultimate answer is within yourself. It's great AA has worked for many but other things work as well...don't discourage anyones alternative methods or efforts.

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  15. I drink. I used to drink all the time, now i try to 'pace' myself. i tried to tell myself that i didn't have a problem. how can i not have a problem??? i hide beer bottles in my babies diaper s and thrown them in the trash to hide my addiction - i put empty wine bottles in my car and dispose of them at the office trash bin, i drink vodka now so nobody smells ( i know you can smell!)....I am an addict! somehow i have managed to hold it all together - great job, husband more than i deserve, great kids, great house/car/vacations - etc. yet....... i am unfulfilled and i think to some degree drinking fills that void. i am not saying it's right....just saying that's how i have coped 12+ years and realize now that it's killing me...literally......i know i have a choice, but can't do it on my own. i've tried; i need help. love to all!

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  16. You have the power. You are not alone and no matter what you think you do deserve all those wonderful blessings in your life...it's a total shift in your thought process. Believe me, I know. I have done all those things you mentioned, hiding, sneaking, covering up the smell, etc. It's exhausting isn't it??

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  17. Good for you for writing it down! It's not bloody easy to face...the reprecussions of actually dealing with it seemed like a hurdle I just couldn't do.

    Your description of your 1st meeting could have been written by me, except I bought the book and tried not to drink for 3 months by myself. In those 3 months I went deeper and deeper into the abyss of hating myself.

    When I went back to AA I had an open mind, I wasn't ready to accept that I was an alcholic persay but I had a desire to stop drinking and was told that's all I needed.

    My life is changed, I am changed and my perspective is changed. I live for today. One day at a time. I have learned to love myself and to be kind to myself. AA and God did that for me, do you know what? I have a secret? You're worth it, each of us is.

    Thank you for sharing and for reminding me that we're not alone.

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  18. I am in the same boat as you. I read that article in Redbook, and came to this site. I've been reading for 3 days now. I NEED to be sober, I want off this ride :( It is so comforting knowing I'm not alone. I've managed to hold it all together, but my alcolholism is getting worse. I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't quit. I'm am the rock that everyone leans on, idk how to admit how broken I am. Idk how to deal with all these emotions...drowning them in vodka HAS to stop.

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  19. You are most definitely NOT alone. Isn't that comforting? I am thankful every single day for other women in the program who continue to help in my sobriety. As for those women who help? Some have been sober for as long as I've been alive but honestly it sounds cliche maybe to you if you hear it but truly the most important person in an AA meeting is the newcomer. The wonderful thing about AA is that you are always welcome no matter what. It sounds like you are getting there...sobriety is the most amazing ride I could ever be on. I hope that you continue to learn about this disease and find peace and comfort whatever your outcome. Prayers your way!

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  20. I am burried in shame for the fact that inside my drinking, drink and drive with kids in true far, drink when the kids have play dates over. I make up really great excuses for needing to go to the store at odd times, go to certain restaurants where I know I can drink vs going to a deli or place that doesn't serve alcohol. What really hit me the other day was my husband and children cam home from Christmas shopping the other day around 5pm. I was already on my 2nd glass of Chardonnay. My three year old ran up to hug me and he commented "yo smell like wine". At first I was shocked he knew what wine smells like bu hen realized, hey you've been drinking every nite and he sees it and now knows what it smells like. Next my other two kids came close and instead of hugs and kisses I got a sniff -- oh you do smell like wine!! My husband just looked at me -- I felt so embarrassed and sort of dirty. I am ready end this stupid addiction be be free and whole and pure.

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