Monday, October 24, 2011

Beer Belly Up

***Submitted by Anonymous

A note from Ellie:  Anonymous submitted her original post about a month ago, and since that time she has sent the following update:  I'm no longer drinking.  I was at the grocery store with my children.  I picked up a 12 pack of Sam Adams and put it in the cart.  My daughter started pleading with me.  "Please, Mommy,, I don't want you to be sick."  I was so sick that I made it to the check out with the beer.  She asked again, "Please, Mommy, put the beer back."  I very nicely refused until... Her lip started quivering.  I could tell that she was trying not to cry.  I put the beer back and haven't had a drop since.

~~~
I chose the title for this post because not only do I have a beer belly, which looks ridiculous since the rest of me is thin, but I do feel like I have gone belly up as the expression goes. I am a practicing alcoholic and mother of two.

There is an art to this. I can't buy hard liquor even though it would be more economical than beer or wine, because if I have alcohol in the house I'll drink it from the moment I wake up. I usually buy a twelve pack of cheap beer.

I drink two in the morning to ease my hangover then wait to buy more until just before the kid's bus arrives. As soon as I have gotten the kids off the bus I start drinking beer from a travel mug with a lid pretending that it's coffee. Another way that I try to prevent people from knowing what I am doing to myself is to never buy beer in my hometown and to alternate between three stores in surrounding towns, always buying something else along with the beer, like a soda, so the cashier won't know that I plan to start drinking shortly.

I spend most of my social time with my ex husband because he accepts my drinking, though he didn't when we were married. He makes quite a bit of money, and I have a small income. My checking account is currently overdrawn. I knowingly took money out from the ATM when I had none because I am physically addicted to beer and had no other means of obtaining it. I often rely on my ex husband and mother to provide me with groceries for the kids because I spend most of my expendable income on beer.

I've been to rehab several times. I've tried AA. I always return to my best friend and worst enemy... alcohol. I'm hoping that talking about it will help.
Thanks for listening.

16 comments:

  1. try AA again. I know you don't want to hear it. You traveled out of your town to buy booze- travel out of town for a meeting. Find one you like, call AA and find a women's meeting. i know from experience that you can't do it alone and a blog is not the same as face to face contact that holds you accountable. People say" i tried AA and rehab but THEY didn't work. IT works if you work it. from K.

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  2. Its commendable that you have gone without alcohol in the last month. That proves that you can quit. Staying sober, however, is a 24 hour at a time deal. You will continue to need support that is not enabling. It sounds as though your ex is enabling you. Please try AA again.

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  3. The intro to this made me tear up. Bravo. Bravo Woman!!!!!

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  4. the intro made me tear up as well. If we can't quit for ourselves in the beginning, quitting for our kids is the best thing we can do. I am so proud of you, Jessica!

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  5. Jessica, you can do it. It is hard work but so i hiding your drinking and jonesing for that next drink.
    Secrets destroy us. they keep us underground, hiding our true selves from our children
    You only need one reason to stop. To SAVE YOUR OWN LIFE. I do mean it. love to you
    leapeyear girl

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  6. Thank you for being so brave and telling the truth about your story. It takes a lot of courage to write what's really been going on.

    I hope you are still sober and are reaching out for help from a support group like AA. You deserve to live in freedom. And bless your sweet daughter. : )

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  7. I know what you are going through. I didn't want to stop either, still don't at times to be real honest.I got some CD's from Encore Audio Archives.I enjoy listening to other peoples stories. The guy on the one tape said "get a sponsor even if you don't like them, go to meetings even if yoy don't want to and work the steps with another person even if you know it will not work. Do it anyway. Also, if you are real stubborn like me, take antabuse everyday and everynite for the first 2 years enen if you don't want to!!

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  8. i'm so proud of you. i like the line....'my best friend and worst enemy'. thats how i feel. so many times, even when i've decided to not drink....i would contemplate soo long at the store. i'm not in AA yet....but everyone keeps encouraging all the bloggers to go. have you started yet? i'm 7 days sober. i hope for your sake and your kids sake that you can stay on this path of LIFE and FREEDOM. thats how i see it....and what i desperately want for myself. i've wasted way too much time and energy thinking about wine!! God bless you friend.

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  9. I hope you're still sober, I hope that you've gone to AA again, this time with an open mind to the fact that you are WORTH it! You are wonderful just as you are, with your messy self, you are loved.

    There is an amazing support system that one alcoholic can give another, we cannot hide or manipulate each other because we see it coming.

    Wishing you a safe, serene 24 hours.

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  10. Good for you! Great for you! It gets easier. You think that it doesn't, but it really, really does. Keep up the good work!

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  11. What an honest, compelling post, Jessica. I will be sure to check out your blog. I, too, am a mother of children with autism.

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  12. A lot of us get sober because of the effects of using/drinking on our kids...

    When I got sober 3 years ago, my 10-year-old son was having panic attacks and insomnia. I used drugs and alcohol because I'm an addict, but one effect of using was that the substances dulled my enormous and irrational fear of being a Bad Mother (as well as many other fears). I had this compulsion to make everything pain-free for my son. ... Since getting sober I learned that life includes pain, and that my son's life will have its pain that he needs to learn to deal with.

    There's a saying in Al-Anon (another 12-step program): "the family life is bound to improve" if we practice the principles. It's true. My son now sleeps through the night, can sleep elsewhere without freaking out, and no longer has panic attacks.

    Thanks for this post! /G

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  13. Wow, you sound so much like me.

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  14. As I sit hear sipping yet another beer and don't know how to stop and read all your stories, I realize finally that I am not the only one. Oh I could start with my childhood horrors of divorce, an alcoholic father, a mother that spent more time working and with boyfriends than me, being by myself and drinking wine when I was 10 years old just to fall asleep without fear, but I won't. Here I sit, I am approaching my 35th birthday in December. I have three amazing, beautiful kids, 2 girls 12 & 9 and my baby boy will turn 7, 4 days after Christmas. But one must understand that I have a partner....I married an alcoholic too. He will never admit his problem and I'm trying to come to terms with that as you will learn about me, I am the functioning alcoholic and worse, the bread winnner. I work outside the home and he is his own boss and comes and goes as he pleases allowing him time to drink at anytime and well yes, he is currently passed out on the sofa of our shithole apartment, because we have lost everything, cars, home, money...because of BUDLIGHT!. We used to have everything we wanted, but we lost it all. Therefore, I come home pissed that he drank all day and begin the nasty cycle as well. I feel like I am rambling on and yet I have so many thoughts in my head that I want to convey to everyone because I really need help. Let's get back to my mom... not a real emotional person (neither is my father...but I expected that from him)....My mom does more criticizing than hugging and I sincerly hope I don't turn out like her. She constantly makes comments about my weight (used to be a size 2, now I am 16 - attributed to my drinking habits, I know this, but I sure as hell don't need her telling me that it wouldn't hurt me to loose a few pounds. I also sure don't need her to tell me that I need to quit drinking as she her self is a gambler. So, yes, I have addiction on both sides. Not so much a gambler, I'd rather spend my money on what makes me feel good...budlight. I knew from the first time I really got drunk that I was hooked and that I had a problem. I always thought that I wouldn't do this, drink in front of my kids and lose everything, but I have., I never wanted to be my parents, but here I am and I am so ashamed and I feel pathetic. I have no one to talk to.. My mom (my closest friend, is completly judgmental and my husband just encourages me to have another so he feels better about his drinking. I don't know what to do. I am so grateful to get all this off my chest. I have so much to share, but I don't want to bore anyone. Thanks (if anyone is reading this) for listening to me. ~ C - in Ohio

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  15. dear C-in Ohio~~~~~so glad you decided to write. How did you find this site? Ive been reading blogs for about a month now...and find it helpful. At least we know we aren't alone!!! I'm day 2 sober.....drinking Perierre water....and tea. My heart goes out to you! I'm so sorry about you losing everything. I believe alcohol is also a robber of peace and joy. I am praying for you tonight. I realize that we cannot do this alone. And I know I NEED Gods help with this. Well , I just wanted you to know that I'm happy you wrote...and loved by someone from Seattle! :)

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  16. thank you tami. I am sitting here in tears tonight. I found this site by a miracle story oh Yahoo. no, we are not alone. I am trying like hell to get through this and hope that this site gets me through. The inspiring stories are so helping me and I look forward to becoming a healthy sober wife and mother. Thank you again for responding to my post.

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