Note from Ellie: Because I've gotten several emails about it ...the Redbook article Mindy is referring to in her post is a piece in the October issue (on stands now, Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser is on the cover) entitled "Mommy Is An Alcoholic". To view an online version of the article, click here. It features me and two other sober bloggers: Heather of the Extraordinary Ordinary and Corinne of Trains, Tutus and Teatime [she is also a regular contributor here at Crying Out Now], as well as another blogger named Deb who is still drinking, but taking a hard look at it and talking openly about how drinking impacts her life. Crying Out Now is also mentioned in the article.
~~~~Tonight I struggle!
Like I have so many times in the past but tonight is different. Tonight I am alone! For the first time in 5mths, my husband isn't here with me. We married just 5mths ago, today! We haven't spent 1 night, nor one day apart since saying "I do"! I have been beyond blessed for that. See his business is a seasonal company and their season just started and will continue till New Year's day, so this is the first night of many nights to come. Some of you may think I'm just being a baby, and I'm whining but I'm truly feeling lost without him. I got sober March 2010, I tossed that out the window this past New Year's eve :(! But just as my therapist told me to get back on the wagon, I did and have done ok since....so I thought!
See I'm not only a recovering alcoholic, I'm also a recovering anorexic. They are both very slippery slopes to stand on, and right now I'm slipping around on them both. But I truly thought I had alcohol beat, but I was only kidding myself. One day last week, I had been drinking cranberry juice all day; my husband kept saying "You smell like you have been drinking wine". Now he wasn't accusing me, he was just stating what apparently the cranberry juice made my breath smell like. Well he made this reference several times throughout the day, by bedtime my addict thinking was in over drive! I had convinced myself that I could actually get away with drinking, I mean he already thought my breath smelled like wine when I'm not drinking so would he really know the difference? He didn't know what he had done to me by making those references, nor was I going to tell him! I have remained sober but that sleeping monster has been awakened and it's hungry for alcohol!
Of course my other demon, "ED (eating disorder)" I will call it is rooting me on as well. See when I was drinking, I wasn't eating for days, weeks at a time. I managed to get all my calories from my vodka or whiskey bottle. I don't want to go back to those days! But getting all this alone time is very dangerous for me and I'm not sure what to do!
I don't know why I get "Redbook" but it comes right to my mailbox and I opened it up....the page I turned right to unknowing what was in this months issue I read "Mommy is an alcoholic". I started crying on the spot and just had to read the entire thing right then! It's what led me to read of all y'alls struggles and for the first time in a very long time I didn't feel alone! I'm a mom to 4 beautiful children ages 3,5,8,9, they are my world and I wouldn't do anything to harm them, my drinking nearly destroyed them. What in me is wanting to put my children through that again?
What kind of mom does that make me?
My kids lost their dad to addiction December 25, 2007. They nearly lost me that same year to my anorexia then in 2010 to the alcohol. I'm truly scared and fear what tomorrow may bring....I don't want to drink, but I do have desires to drink!
Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated!