Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Slipping and Scared

***Submitted by Mindy

Note from Ellie:  Because I've gotten several emails about it ...the Redbook article Mindy is referring to in her post is a piece in the October issue (on stands now, Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser is on the cover) entitled "Mommy Is An Alcoholic".  To view an online version of the article, click here.  It features me and two other sober bloggers: Heather of the Extraordinary Ordinary and Corinne of Trains, Tutus and Teatime [she is also a regular contributor here at Crying Out Now], as well as another blogger named Deb who is still drinking, but taking a hard look at it and talking openly about how drinking impacts her life.  Crying Out Now is also mentioned in the article.
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Tonight I struggle!

 Like I have so many times in the past but tonight is different. Tonight I am alone! For the first time in 5mths, my husband isn't here with me. We married just 5mths ago, today! We haven't spent 1 night, nor one day apart since saying "I do"! I have been beyond blessed for that. See his business is a seasonal company and their season just started and will continue till New Year's day, so this is the first night of many nights to come. Some of you may think I'm just being a baby, and I'm whining but I'm truly feeling lost without him. I got sober March 2010, I tossed that out the window this past New Year's eve :(! But just as my therapist told me to get back on the wagon, I did and have done ok since....so I thought!

See I'm not only a recovering alcoholic, I'm also a recovering anorexic. They are both very slippery slopes to stand on, and right now I'm slipping around on them both. But I truly thought I had alcohol beat, but I was only kidding myself. One day last week, I had been drinking cranberry juice all day; my husband kept saying "You smell like you have been drinking wine". Now he wasn't accusing me, he was just stating what apparently the cranberry juice made my breath smell like. Well he made this reference several times throughout the day, by bedtime my addict thinking was in over drive! I had convinced myself that I could actually get away with drinking, I mean he already thought my breath smelled like wine when I'm not drinking so would he really know the difference? He didn't know what he had done to me by making those references, nor was I going to tell him! I have remained sober but that sleeping monster has been awakened and it's hungry for alcohol!

Of course my other demon, "ED (eating disorder)" I will call it is rooting me on as well. See when I was drinking, I wasn't eating for days, weeks at a time. I managed to get all my calories from my vodka or whiskey bottle. I don't want to go back to those days! But getting all this alone time is very dangerous for me and I'm not sure what to do!

I don't know why I get "Redbook" but it comes right to my mailbox and I opened it up....the page I turned right to unknowing what was in this months issue I read "Mommy is an alcoholic". I started crying on the spot and just had to read the entire thing right then! It's what led me to read of all y'alls struggles and for the first time in a very long time I didn't feel alone! I'm a mom to 4 beautiful children ages 3,5,8,9, they are my world and I wouldn't do anything to harm them, my drinking nearly destroyed them. What in me is wanting to put my children through that again?

What kind of mom does that make me?

My kids lost their dad to addiction December 25, 2007. They nearly lost me that same year to my anorexia then in 2010 to the alcohol. I'm truly scared and fear what tomorrow may bring....I don't want to drink, but I do have desires to drink!

Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated!

8 comments:

  1. Wow... my heart is overwhelmed to read that hearing another person's story brought you to this wonderful site. The power of a testimony.

    Writing is an amazing tool, but I would like to encourage to find some one you trust in real life to share this with. You need a person's face, smile to not feel so isolated. Reach out! Thinking of you today.

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  2. I'm so glad you're here.

    I think for me, it isn't so much about showing my husband as it is about showing myself. Taking care of myself and honoring myself by not breaking my promise to myself, even when nobody is looking. Those mornings I woke up sober on my own, those were the most powerful of all in the beginning and they added up slowly, one day at a time. There's no shortcut, of course, but there's also something sweet that grows in the slow, steadiness of it all. I'm just about 20 months sober now and it has gotten so much easier, believe me.

    I also suffered from eating disorders in the past and it's really so very similar to my alcoholism. It's all the same thing, wanting to fill that void and numb out... professional help is what I needed. That, and knowing I'm not alone. That's what I get here, and that's why I'm so glad you're here.

    You're not a bad mom. You're an alcoholic.

    Thank you for sharing your story, now you are a part of making others just like us feel less alone.

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  3. You do have alcohol beat...you do. As much as anyone ever does, that is. You made it for five months so you can do this. Now you are having cravings - that's ok. It's ok to have cravings - doesn't mean it isn't beaten (again as much as it's ever beaten)

    Don't let take your cravings make you take them seriously. But that I mean don't think because you have them you need to act on them.
    Say "ok I'm having a craving it will pass" The craving is lying to you. It tells you it won't pass unless you feed it - this is NOT true. Feed it and it will grow. Starve it and it will shrink. think of every moment you feel craving and don't act on it as another moment of starving the craving, even if it feels like it's expanding. It's growing desperate ramping up it's lies. You are growing stronger - refusing to feed it even when it's tough. As you ride it out you are staving your illness. You make it weaker and weaker. You may never kill it but you can beat it - you already have.

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  4. Thank you so much ladies!! I have gotten some amazing words of encouragement in the last 24 hrs! Today I have been taking it 1 minute at a time and so far it's working :)!
    I was sober for 9mths on the wagon... fell off for 3 days... jumped back on it and been back on for 8mths, so I know I can stay sober!! I CAN DO THIS!!! Thank you so very very much!!

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  5. I am so happy you opened that Redbook. "Coincidence is a messenger of truth." You are not alone. You are brave and beautiful.

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  6. Mindy,
    You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep taking it one day at a time, and keep reaching out.

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  7. Thank you for sharing what you are going through. This is very important. Don't isolate!! Make certain that when you feel this way that you talk with someone that will understand what it's like - talk with another alcoholic. I recommend finding another woman to talk to. It will really, really help. And the cravings are normal. They **DO** get better as you put together more and more sobriety. I have 14 years of sobriety and every once in a while those old thoughts creap back in, such as... "that glass of wine smells nice". That is disease of alcoholism. What do I do when the committee in my head tries to convince me that I could have "just one sip"? First, I think it ALL the way through. By that I mean I think how I will feel after the drink is gone - the guilt, the shame - I think about the consequences, what could/will happen - I think about what it could do to my kids, or my husband. Think it ALL the way to the very end. Then ask yourself, is it worth it? If you still question it - then get to a meeting or get on the phone and talk with another woman. Good luck. You CAN do this!

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  8. I wonder if you get to meetings, or if you're trying to go it alone. I spent many years trying to stop on my own, partly because I thought I could, although the evidence was the opposite. I could manage a couple of months, but then something would trigger me, and off I would go again. I finally decided 3 months ago to really commit myself to AA, and got a sponsor asap. The relief of knowing that there is real support there from someone with 15 years sobriety is tremendous. She's also a mother and knows the particular pressures and guilt that go along with being an alcoholic parent. If it's difficult to get to meetings because of childcare, there are some that provide creche facilities. The most important thing is not to isolate. I also wonder why you didn't feel you could tell your husband how his comments affected you. I'm sure he wants to support you, so give him the opportunity by being honest with him! Otherwise, the resentment you feel about his comments will fester, and we all know where that leads, don't we. Wishing you all the best, and try to get to meetings. It makes all the difference.

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