***Submitted by Jennifer
Dear Friends and Family,
It's me, Jennifer.
I miss you.
I miss ME too. The old me anyway, the Jennifer who we all used to know and love.
I just want you to know that I'm sorry for the mistakes that I've made, how I've isolated myself, chosen alcohol over friendships. How I've been too drunk to make it to parties or family reunions, calling at the last minute with some lame excuse about being sick or running out of gas, trying to ignore the tone in your voices letting me know that you didn't freaking buy it anymore.
I'm sorry for borrowing money that I have yet to pay back. Money that I would never have needed to borrow if I hadn't spent all my monthly budget on booze.
I'm sorry for picking fights with everyone I know because of drunken drama.
I'm most sorry for not being there for you when you needed me as friend, as a daughter, as a sister - because I've been too selfish in my alcoholism. At this point, I am barely here for myself.
If it makes any difference - in the wake of my personal, mindless destruction, I want you to know that I'm working really hard right NOW to make changes.
I want the old Jennifer back and I hope you still want me too.
I've been taking proactive steps to get sober. Going to AA. Reaching out to those who can help me when I cannot or will not help myself.
I'm trying to forgive myself. A part of my recovery has been to educate myself about this disease. Accepting it as a disease has been helpful, as well as finally understanding my many genetic predispositions and life circumstances that have led me down the path into the evil arms of alcoholism. In no way is this meant to be a cop out or endless list of excuses. However, the facts remain that the deck was stacked against me from the beginning. I can see that now. I cannot reverse the bad choices I made in the past as a partial victim of these physiological realities, but I CAN do something now in order to pave the way for a healthier future.
And I AM. Please know that.
It took a while for me to arrive at this terrible, hurtful place. I know it will take me a long time to claw my way back. I have slipped along the way already, and may slip again. My greatest hope is that, after reading these words, you will feel the depth of my commitment to be better - to get back to that Jennifer who you all used to love.
I beg you. Please don't give up on me. Please find it in yourselves to want to know and love me again.