Saturday, September 17, 2011

A Letter To My Friends And Family

***Submitted by Jennifer

Dear Friends and Family,


It's me, Jennifer.

I miss you.

I miss ME too. The old me anyway, the Jennifer who we all used to know and love.

I just want you to know that I'm sorry for the mistakes that I've made, how I've isolated myself, chosen alcohol over friendships. How I've been too drunk to make it to parties or family reunions, calling at the last minute with some lame excuse about being sick or running out of gas, trying to ignore the tone in your voices letting me know that you didn't freaking buy it anymore.

I'm sorry for borrowing money that I have yet to pay back. Money that I would never have needed to borrow if I hadn't spent all my monthly budget on booze.

I'm sorry for picking fights with everyone I know because of drunken drama.

I'm most sorry for not being there for you when you needed me as friend, as a daughter, as a sister - because I've been too selfish in my alcoholism. At this point, I am barely here for myself.

If it makes any difference - in the wake of my personal, mindless destruction, I want you to know that I'm working really hard right NOW to make changes.

I want the old Jennifer back and I hope you still want me too.

I've been taking proactive steps to get sober. Going to AA. Reaching out to those who can help me when I cannot or will not help myself.

I'm trying to forgive myself. A part of my recovery has been to educate myself about this disease. Accepting it as a disease has been helpful, as well as finally understanding my many genetic predispositions and life circumstances that have led me down the path into the evil arms of alcoholism. In no way is this meant to be a cop out or endless list of excuses. However, the facts remain that the deck was stacked against me from the beginning. I can see that now. I cannot reverse the bad choices I made in the past as a partial victim of these physiological realities, but I CAN do something now in order to pave the way for a healthier future.

And I AM. Please know that.

It took a while for me to arrive at this terrible, hurtful place. I know it will take me a long time to claw my way back. I have slipped along the way already, and may slip again. My greatest hope is that, after reading these words, you will feel the depth of my commitment to be better - to get back to that Jennifer who you all used to love.

I beg you. Please don't give up on me. Please find it in yourselves to want to know and love me again.

Fondly,

Jennifer

12 comments:

  1. You are on the start of a beautiful path in life. Keep yourself surrounded with strong, encouraging people. Life is too short to be around those who want to pull you back down. xoxo

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  2. You’ve got it, Sunshine, you will be all right. You are on the correct path, follow the markers until you get out of the proverbial woods and into the light. We are pulling for you, go for it.

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  3. You're doing it! Try to stay out of the past. I know this is a very hard thing to do. But you can do hard things! All of us want you back!

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  4. Go to meetings, work the steps, call your sponsor, read the Big Book. I've been sober 19 years. That's what worked for me. Being a recovering alcoholic is the best thing that ever happened to me. You will love the results.

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  5. forgiving yourself is such a big part of this process. you deserve forgiveness, go easy on yourself.

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  6. I could have written this letter myself and applaud you for your courage to put yourself out there. For a long time, my words were only words because I was deceiving myself and those I love. I try now to have my actions show my desire to change for the better. However, I don't want the "old me" back because I believe a lot of the "old me" conditioned me to be an alcoholic - mainly how I dealt with, or ran from, the things I was facing in my life.

    I am learning how to live life on life's terms, to not let fear be the basis of all my decisions and actions, and to be grateful for all that I have. It's funny how it took me losing virtually everything to realize not only how much I had but that I get a chance to start all over again with a clean slate, and that is why I am hopeful about becoming the "new and improved" old me. Good luck on your journey!

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  7. Bravo, bravo!!!! Welcome to this side, it continually gets better as you work it!

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  8. Jennifer,
    I won't give up on you. I believe in you. I will send you good vibes to continue believing in yourself.
    Sober Julie - what 'side' are you referring to? We are all human, we are all one.

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  9. Beautiful letter, thank you for writing it. I wish you all the best, sending lots of love and prayers.

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  10. It is the start, and at the start the actions have all the power, so be good and don't let yourself down ever again.

    Life is too short...

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  11. You are at the start of a fabulous journey. Please keep facing forwards and take it one step at a time. (((((Jennifer)))))

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