Monday, September 19, 2011

I Want A Drink - Confessions of A Binge Drinker

***Submitted by Anonymous

It’s Friday night and my mouth is watering.

I want a drink.

The sane, rational, good, sober side of myself is livid. This desire welling up in me is growing, and I’m afraid -- afraid I can’t control myself.

How am I so weak?

Last Saturday, my husband called an ambulance because by 9 in the morning I had consumed such a vast amount of Vodka I could no longer stand -- or remain conscious. I drank almost the entire contents of a half gallon of the stuff. I’m sure my blood was flammable.

I’d like to tell you this was unusual. It’s not. I binge drink - 3 to 5 times a week, going through anywhere from a half to an entire gallon of hard alcohol per week. This is the one thing in life I am committed to, or rather the only thing I do with any consistency.

Normally I buy vodka, but sometimes I get rum ... “for my husband” (who never drinks more than a shot). I poured myself one large drink, (8 oz vodka and equal amounts cranberry) relaxed my throat and downed it in a matter of seconds, then went to sleep. I woke up at five in the morning clammy and itching for a drink. I was relieved when I saw how much alcohol remained, (the level dwindled just inches below the shinny red cap) because when I woke I wasn’t sure if I had chugged one drink or consumed the entire bottle ....

I told myself I need it. I need a drink because my wisdom teeth are coming in and I’m in agony. I need a drink because my husband and six year old son will be up in a few hours and I can’t possibly deal with them without a little “hair of the dog” to quell this nausea and panic. I need a drink because I’m anxious -- it’ll calm me down.... the same reason I need it now... right?

I lost all of Saturday save for a few patchy moments sprawled on my bathroom floor crying -- err blabbering -- to the EMT about how embarrassed I was, about how I drank because my teeth were KILLING me. I remember screaming/slurring at the male EMT, and cop, and husband that I wanted them OUT!! I’m sure that statement was followed by some derogatory remark about men, but that’s all conjecture.

I woke Sunday covered in deep purple bruises and sporting a broken toe. My face is still black and blue. I actually told someone I got in a car wreck -- there’s no way they’d believe I could have done this much damage to myself by falling on (and off) every piece of furniture we own. Of course, that’s assuming I had enough courage to admit to anyone what a drunken state I had been in.

I have to pause now to shudder, and swallow the wave of unbearable shame and sorrow. How dare I??? My husband is the hardest working, funniest, smartest, most forgiving, strongest man I’ve ever known. He has enough character and integrity for the both of us, but it’s not fair -- I cannot do this to him any more -- not one more time. And oh, the number of times I’ve done it to him -- to my son. In the past year (I’ve been drinking heavily for three or four years, but it’s been out of control for the past 18 months-ish) I’ve blacked out countless times, peed the bed, broken my hand, broken my toe, driven drunk, lied, broken promises and commitments to the people that matter most, and generally been a less-then ideal wife and mom -- which is putting it kindly, I think.

I feel blanketed in fear, in shame, in regret and I’m so SICK of my behavior. I do not deserve the life I have. I do not deserve my husband. I most certainly do not deserve to hold the esteemed title of mommy -- not like this. I just want a level of reciprocity, and to be the wife and mother I can be, should be, desperately want to be... used to be. I’m losing my life -- and ruining theirs, and what’s worse .. this is the life I want!! What the &@!# is wrong with me??? Why won’t the urge go AWAY? It’s so illogical. I hate illogical.

I am an alcoholic. It doesn’t sound like much of a revelation after what I’ve shared, I’m sure, but its taken me a very long time to accept the title. The question now is, am I able to do what it takes to be a sober alcoholic -- and not just for a week, but forever.

It’s Friday night and I want a drink... but I’m not going to have it. I’m scared, ashamed and a little bit hopeful. Tomorrow is day six. One at a time, right?

Your stories have been an inspiration. Thanks for taking a moment to share mine.

21 comments:

  1. You know what I think you don't deserve? I think you don't deserve a life with alcohol destroying your happiness. I don't think that is who you are or who you are meant to be.

    Your story deeply affected me this morning, and I thank you very much for sharing it. I wish you strength and love.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can so completely relate to your story. When I had cravings it helped me to remember all of the bad things that had happened when I was drinking. It helped to remind myself that feelings aren't fatal. They do end. The cravings do pass. Sometimes they go away completely.

    And then they come back.

    I've begun to accept that they do come back. I've learned that if I wait them out however I can, that I'll be glad I did.

    Wishing you peace -

    Congrats on day 6.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wishing you strength and more and more peaceful moments with each sober day.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You can do this!! Believe in yourself - we believe in you!

    ReplyDelete
  5. What you wrote is very powerful... and brings back so many memories and feelings. I was just like you and felt the same hopelessness. I celebrated 2 years in August. I say that because, if I can do it, anyone can. Be a miracle for yourself and your family. Hang in there, it really does get better.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I haven't seen one word about going to a meeting or calling a sponsor. That's the way you get and stay sober.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Contrary to popular opinion, getting sober does not mean that the cravings go away for everyone. I have been sober for a few days and I still crave alcohol. Not every day, and not in a debilitating way. But the cravings still come around. What has changed with each day I stay sober is that I crave lucidity far more than I crave the drink.

    6 days is a very long time for someone who has been living in hell. Keep at it and more will be revealed.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Get used to saying it "I'm an alcoholic" is only shameful for a brief while, before it becomes a badge of honor of what you will become - a sober, calm, in control person who has seen that side and knows it is better to say on this side of sober.
    You will come to love saying "I'm an alcoholic", as much as survivors of other trauma do...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Wishing you all the strength, courage, and support within your tough time. You are a strong person...KEEP IT UP and you will get better.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I feel you girl...!! I've been sober 10 days now with the help of antabuse and listening to a CD by Vince Y (2006 Conference)...those CD's are great to listen to...he says get a sponsor even if you don't want to, work the steps even if you don't believe they work, read the Big Book even just one page a day and go to meetings even if you don't want to!! Get CD's from Encore Audio Archives!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I agree with Kristin H. 6 days is a very long time and a reason to feel self love. Congratulations on claiming your truth. You are an alcoholic. You are in good company. Most of my favorite people are alcoholics. But that's only one facet of who you are. You can do this.

    ReplyDelete
  12. By sharing your story you are stronger than yesterday. Keep sharing. One day at a time.

    ReplyDelete
  13. You deserve better than this, as do your husband and child. Stop living in the past and stay present in each and every moment, with a clear and sober mind. You are already on your way to a better life. The old way - that therein lies madness, and you know this deep in your soul. Celebrate every day of your sobriety. You are worth the work. Wishing you peace.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Don't think of it as forever. You only have to do it today. Each day. Well done for writing this out and sharing it.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'll keep my comment simple, If I can do it...ANYONE can." Alcoholics are the only people I've ever met that try to cure loneliness with isolation. Get yourself to a meeting or call another recovering alcoholic. YOU ARE WORTH IT.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Get to a meeting ASAP. You need to be around folks that are recovering. I'll be thinking about you!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Such an honest story. I see myself in soooo much of it. I need a way out to. It's so hard. I will be praying for you and me...

    ReplyDelete
  18. I hated how wonderful my husband was while I was drinking. I understood every word you wrote and urge you to get to a meeting asap. Immerse yourself in a world of people who "get" you.

    Be patient with yourself and keep your mind where your hands are.

    ReplyDelete
  19. i was having a craving just now. i looked up this journal post and it helped. not because it was so outrageous, but because it brought me back to some of the times i've been drinking. carry on and rock out, drink free :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. The most important words I ever herd were ( here are THE steps we took as a program of recovery). These are not part of the recovery program. They are THE recovery program. Good luck on your own and God bless you in unity.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Thank you...I am days shy if 10months sober...hardest thing ever...I miss the social aspect...I haven't learned or been able to go out since day 1. Its hard...thank you for sharing...it has helped me for today...keep up the good fight!

    ReplyDelete