*** Submitted by Anonymous
Not so sure what to write here. I have read every single post to date.I am so thankful this website is here and thankful that Heather from the EO told me about it.
I am still drinking. As a matter of fact, I have never, ever stopped since I was about 19 or 20. (I'm pushing 40 now) with the exception of my pregnancy and the first 3 months after my daughter was born. I didn't even really want to drink then - but I suffered such severe postpartum depression that my family was suggesting constantly that I "have a glass of wine to calm down and relax". So finally I did. Then I found myself right back to where I was before I got pregnant. How quickly that happened.
The one point from most of these posts that resonates with me the most is "I'm not that bad".
I tell my self that all the time. I am not that bad.
Recently my mother was in town for my daughters 2nd Birthday and late one night, fueled by a bottle of wine, I confessed my habits to her in desperation and tears. She listened - she cried - she told me that I was "not that bad". That I should "keep an eye on it".
Boy was I happy to hear that. Except I knew - in my heart, I knew. Did she not hear me? Or maybe I really do drink like everyone else, its just that I am too hard on myself? I'm fine. Everything is okay. All mommies need to unwind. Right? Right?!?
I know I may not be "that bad" right now, but soon enough....
And part of me has to ask "When is drinking a bottle or even 2 of wine (usually on an empty stomach) not that bad?" Because I beat my self to a pulp every morning about it. Sometimes I don't....but mostly, I do. And it fucking sucks. I hate that feeling - yet have become comfortable in it.
I am pretty sure that it is REALLY bad. Especially when I have a precious little girl in my care. A little person that I swear to GOD I love more than life itself. I would die if anything ever harmed her. And yet....seems not enough to put down the wine glass. That bothers me. A lot. And I know the harm I will cause her if I continue. But holy crap - how do I stop this?
I subscribe to this daily email called "The Brave Girls Club". They send inspiration and things to think about to my email inbox once a week or so. Tonight's email made me think- this is what I would tell myself after I become sober. I am not sure when that will be or if it will ever be, but its nice to think that there may just be another way of life. Just maybe. And if it happened - well, I would tell myself this:
Dear Phenomenal Girl:
It is absolutely awe inspiring to see the woman that you are becoming. Through all that you have learned, all that you have experienced, all that you have cried over, all that has brought you to your knees, and all that you have celebrated...you have become an absolute miracle of a human being.
Take some time today to think about these things. Think about what it took to get you to where you are now. Think about your childhood, then your young adulthood....then the years of adulthood that brought you to now. Think about the victories, the hard earned lessons and rewards...and think about the heartbreaks and betrayals and disappointments. Can you believe you have lived such a big and beautiful life?
It’s time to cut yourself some slack, dear friend. Hug each part of your past and tell that girl that you are proud of all that she has endured, overcome and created. Tell that girl that she did the best that she could do and that it was enough!
Tell that girl that the best is yet to come, because now she knows even better than she did then. Tell her that you have forgiven the mistakes she made when she didn’t know what she knows now. Tell her that it was all worth it.
Let that girl be amazing. Let her be at peace. Let her fly.
Because she deserves to be amazing, to be at peace, and to finally fly.
That girl is loved more than she could ever understand. YOU are that girl.
Congratulations on making it to now....you are a champ, my dear!