**Submitted by Georgiana
Dear Crying Out Loud,
I hope it's OK to just send an email as my post. I don't have a word program on my home computer and, frankly, I'm wary about typing this on my work computer. Wariness, fear, anxiety. Yeah, I know. That's where I am now and where I've been for a while. I 'm glad to have found your site. I read every single post yesterday and reviewed favorites this morning again to renew my strength for facing this day.
This day - Day 3. I woke up this morning clear-headed and refreshed. The anxious pit in my stomach has calmed. I feel proud. But I am afraid. You see, I've made it to the beginning of Day 3 before, a few times in the past year, but never further. So, I'm afraid to leave my house, afraid to do what I know what I will be compelled to do.
Convenience stores are my downfall. They are playgrounds for addiction. Jungle Gyms for addicts, all of us who shop quickly there, hopefully with cash; all of us who say little and avoid eye contact, even with the other addicts in line, tapping our feet, impatient to pay and get the heck out of there.
Convenience stores have something for everyone - from the most benign, socially accepted addictions in the form of lottery tickets, overpriced junk food, caffeine and cigarettes, to the still OK - alcohol - unless you're buying beer or tiny bottles of vodka at 9 a.m. on the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday; to the darker addictions - the porn; shiny magazines stashed behind the counters with their front covers obscured by dark, plastic dividers, so that only the cover models' teased and sprayed hair beckons the porn addicts above their prim concealers.
Even if I manage to avoid swerving into the 7-11 or Circle K parking lots today after work, grocery stores and drugstore chains are equally as dangerous. Today, on Day 3, I want SO MUCH to not shop, to NOT have to pick up my prescriptions at Target, to NOT have to buy groceries to feed my kids (bad mom) - or bird seed for my animals, or damn toilet paper for myself. Because it's just too easy to toss a 12-pack into my cart. It's just too easy to head to the bathroom and chug one after I pay, before I even make it out of the store. It's just too easy to NOT ever make it past Day 3. Making it to Day 4 is much harder.
I'm afraid to leave my house.
Thanks for listening.