Monday, August 8, 2011

Afraid To Leave My House

**Submitted by Georgiana

Dear Crying Out Loud,

I hope it's OK to just send an email as my post. I don't have a word program on my home computer and, frankly, I'm wary about typing this on my work computer. Wariness, fear, anxiety. Yeah, I know. That's where I am now and where I've been for a while. I 'm glad to have found your site. I read every single post yesterday and reviewed favorites this morning again to renew my strength for facing this day.

This day - Day 3. I woke up this morning clear-headed and refreshed. The anxious pit in my stomach has calmed. I feel proud. But I am afraid. You see, I've made it to the beginning of Day 3 before, a few times in the past year, but never further. So, I'm afraid to leave my house, afraid to do what I know what I will be compelled to do.

Buy beer.

Convenience stores are my downfall. They are playgrounds for addiction. Jungle Gyms for addicts, all of us who shop quickly there, hopefully with cash; all of us who say little and avoid eye contact, even with the other addicts in line, tapping our feet, impatient to pay and get the heck out of there.

Convenience stores have something for everyone - from the most benign, socially accepted addictions in the form of lottery tickets, overpriced junk food, caffeine and cigarettes, to the still OK - alcohol - unless you're buying beer or tiny bottles of vodka at 9 a.m. on the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday; to the darker addictions - the porn; shiny magazines stashed behind the counters with their front covers obscured by dark, plastic dividers, so that only the cover models' teased and sprayed hair beckons the porn addicts above their prim concealers.

Even if I manage to avoid swerving into the 7-11 or Circle K parking lots today after work, grocery stores and drugstore chains are equally as dangerous. Today, on Day 3, I want SO MUCH to not shop, to NOT have to pick up my prescriptions at Target, to NOT have to buy groceries to feed my kids (bad mom) - or bird seed for my animals, or damn toilet paper for myself. Because it's just too easy to toss a 12-pack into my cart. It's just too easy to head to the bathroom and chug one after I pay, before I even make it out of the store. It's just too easy to NOT ever make it past Day 3. Making it to Day 4 is much harder.

I'm afraid to leave my house.

Thanks for listening.

8 comments:

  1. Hoping you have made it safely thru today and can be grateful for that.

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  2. Good luck today. It is hard sometimes to see the very thing we are addicted to lit up in bright lights just begging us to buy it. You may have to avoid certain places at certain times, you know it is a trigger so that is a positive thing. Good luck on your day 3, keep coming back and maybe confide in someone who will understand, or find a support group, that may help also.

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  3. Hide if you need to. Do whatever you need to do to get through. Day three's are HARD. I had three of them in the space of two months last year and I never really thought it was okay to do whatever I needed to do to say sober. From this side of the fence, I'll say it: "Do whatever you need to do. It won't last forever."

    Maybe ask someone in your life if they can pick up any required incidentals...

    Wishing you peace.

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  4. Two hours ago I was at Target contemplating buying wine in a box along with deodorant, hair products and a lampshade. Then I remembered my vow to no longer drink during the week. Since this is Monday, you could call it Day 1. Somehow I was able to get out of the store without putting that box in my cart. A small victory. And you are not alone.

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  5. Thinking of you today, on what is hopefully your day 7! good luck, I hope you have made it this far. If not, there is no shame, just keep writing and talking and reaching out. You are not alone!

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  6. I'm with you, albeit a week later. I hope you didn't stop. But your post has made me think, and perhaps the next time I will stop.
    Thanks.

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  7. Thank you for your comments, friends.
    i have not made it to any days, even this day. BUT i must celebrate the victory of reaching out here and on my new obsession - the booze free brigade. someday soon soon soon i will kick this beast called addiction out of my freaking life. so have you. so WILL you.
    thanks for your support. I love and pray for you as well.
    i have felt alone for so long, but we are not.
    we are not alone. that is beautiful.
    xo -
    georgiana, really *jennifer*

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  8. So I think the most awkward moment is completing the Dr form where they ask how many drinks a day do you have. I finally quit lying and wrote in "several" or "that's for me to know and you to find out!" and then there is the "drug" question; do you use drugs. That's where I really have fun and I write "Im a wildchild of the 60's go figure"-- But really I don't use anything now-- 45 yrs later. Dr. questions can really be off the wall, like how many times a month do you have sex, good grief....we need to lighten up on ourselves. Is it our puritan virtues bestowed to us by well meaning grandmothers? well now Im rambling, sorry and good luck out there to us all!!!!

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