Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Still A Work In Progress

***Submitted by Anonymous

I really wanted to wait to write in when my story was a success story. A story I could tell with a year or more sobriety under my belt. But truth be told, I haven't been able to string more than two weeks of non-drinking together in who knows how long.

I am so ashamed. In fact, tonight as I type I have had three glasses of ice cold Pinot Grigio and two shots of gin, yet I do not feel buzzed, yet alone drunk. That scares the shit out of me.

A little background about me--I am 30 years old and come from a very Christian household. My parents and two sisters are all complete tee-totalers; my mother and father waited until marriage for sex, as my older sister. My younger sister is single and plans to wait until marriage for her first sexual experience. I, on the other hand--the middle child--had sex before I was married (if it matters, I was with my now-husband for more than a year before we had sex, and he is the only man with whom I have had intercourse), and am the only person in my family that drinks.

My husband drinks occasionally but it is very moderate--a pint of beer or cider once a week or so. For me--on the other hand--I can easily drink a bottle and a half of wine by myself in an evening plus a few shots of hard liquor or even a fifth of vodka or gin over the course of a day. Trust me, I am not bragging and I am not proud of this.

I am highly educated with a Masters Degree in Pharmaceutical Science and I am a professional in the Clinical Research field and am paid very well for what I do, but what people do not know is that I overindulge in alcohol at least 2-3 days out of the week, if not more. I only highlight this to show that it really does not matter your education or income level--alcoholism can affect anyone.

My rational mind knows that I am on a slippery slope to destruction, but my physiological mind tells me to fuck it and just do what feels good at the moment. I really do not like the feeling of being out of control.

At this time I really don't have any words of encouragement to offer anyone, but I could surely use some encouragement if anyone has some they would like to offer.

13 comments:

  1. Hang in there sister. God is good and loves you. I know this will sound simple ... try not to drink but when you do don't beat yourself up about it just try harder next time.
    Sometimes I think guilt and fear are the most destructive forces on earth. Remember God loves and you need to start loving yourself.

    -friend in Colorado

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  2. Oh, it sounds like you are so close to successfully getting sober...the desire is there and you are unhappy with the results of drinking. But you must know, alcoholics cannot quit on will power alone (and that might be why it hasn't worked so far)...there is an addiction issue underneath that you need to address, and places like AA (and similar) have steps to deal with addiction issues, exactly like you need.

    Feel no shame in what you are feeling or going through...recovery is possible if you reach your hand out. You are not alone, but you also cannot get sober alone. I am so glad you posted here. I am praying for you....you can do this. I am praying that you can be free of the alcohol burden very soon.

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  3. I echo what the first anonymous said. Don't beat yourself up; you are NOT the disease. There is much more to your story than this. Hang in there, sister.

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  4. I have been exactly where you are so many times!Keep trying and reaching out, and please don't be ashamed. I recently started reading all the sober blogs and it has helped me to realize I am not alone and a terrible weak person. You aren't either.

    I think in a lot of ways our culture helps us to fail and feel bad about ourselves. Mrketing and media constantly feed into our self-doubt. It keeps us drinking and shopping, eating terrible things and buying irrational diet products, any "bad" thing to feel better right now even though we know that bad thing is feeding the vicious cycle in the long run.

    It's a lot of momentum in one direction that you are trying reverse--but you have to exactly that. You obviously feel that. It necessary swimming upstream against the current we have set in our lives.

    Sometimes it is hard to stick with a commitment to stop drinking when you are basically high functioning. If you're not having problems at work, then you probably are high functioning.

    In terms of family, I have the opposite situation as you, in that almost everyone I see on a regular basis drinks way more than me. They rely on me to take care of things and be the responsible one, so no one is going to notice or say anything about my drinking being a problem. But I feel it has become a problem for me. I feel bad about the time and attention I waste when I am wasted.

    I am not sure I am alcoholic but it has been more than five years since I have been able to go more than 1 week without drinking. I can't count how many times I tried to go 1 month only to make it to four days. But now I am at 3 1/2 weeks (yes I am counting half weeks).

    So I guess I am saying keep trying. You can switch over to water for the rest of today (it helps minimize headaches). And tomorrow is a new day.

    Take care

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  5. Echoing above, Keep Trying, you have the potential to quit. I was able to do it without the help of 12-Step programs, but I also know that that is the exception rather than the rule so if you need AA, go to a Meeting. Go to two a day if it will help keep you doing the right thing.

    Sending love and energy to help you make good choices.

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  6. YES, you can do it! Try not drinking for one hour then maybe two...

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  7. You are not alone. I was in the mid stage of alcoholism for over fifteen years until I developed a voice as strong as yours. That final resolve and a non-shaming therapist friend helped me quit. I have been sober almost 10 months. Also a professional. Keep reaching out. It holds power. It will help.

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  8. While not true for everyone,,
    most of require a progressive set of consequences. Reading between the lines, it would appear your husband takes no issue with your consumption? It also appears your career is not suffering, nor did I hear of any legal consequences.

    Slippery slope is an understatement for where you're at.

    When we maintain healthy (?) relationships and a successful career, our disease will mind-f&%#@ us incessently. "I'm not 'that' bad - I got this" "I'll just have half the bottle tonight; drink the second half tomorrow" "If I were a 'real' alcoholic I would not be where I'm at today"

    Our disease is cunning, baffling, and insidious. And dare I forget PATIENT!!! I can assure you that your disease is laying low just WAITING for you to increase your intake, a little here, a little there........

    In time. I'm going to presume that you are fully aware that you're an alcoholic. Most of us who blog about our drinking and/or pose queries regarding it are most surely alcoholics. Normies don't question their intake.

    Today you have choices. And by the grace of God you're still here to make them. Continuing will lead to
    jails
    institutions
    death
    You are in a place where you still get to make the choice - what a gift.

    I pray you take it.
    There are numerous ways to find and keep sobriety. For me, it is AA - if you ever need or want information on this program, please let me know!! I want to help!!!
    dawnmfischer@charter.net
    Find "my story" on this blogsite and you'll readily become aware of where you're headed
    Its not an 'if"
    Its a "when"

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  9. It sounds like you're right on the brink of getting sober. Take this opportunity - they only come around so often in my experience. Getting sober is the best thing I've ever done.

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  10. Just echoing all the wonderful amazing ladies above. You can do this. The fact that you are taking this hard look at yourself and not shoving all these feeling down under is a good thing. Sobriety is hard, so hard. But it really is a wonderful thing. Keep reaching out for help, it is around you. Sending big hugs your way.

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  11. Stop beating yourself up so much - in my mind, alcoholic thinking leads to alcoholic drinking. Alcoholic thinking is all black and white - "I have to be perfect. I'm not perfect. I'm horrible.", etc. etc. Alcoholics tend to see everything in absolutes and no shades of gray. Life isn't that way, which is why it's no surprise that alcoholics make themselves crazy enough that they have to numb out. The drinking is a symptom of something else, and you need to find out what that something else is. I'm guessing it's the "I'm not enough" mental tape that you play over and over to yourself that is making you drink more than you should - and then the drinking enhances and affirms the negative message. THAT is the spiral of alcoholism. Start with your mind. Go meditate - go to church - do yoga - talk to a friend or a counselor - do anything but drink. It's the drinking that is keeping you from figuring out a fundamental truth about who you are. Seriously. I've been there.

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  12. Bald trutyh and self assessment is what you are doing and it all halps move towards finally just saying no once and for all.
    Keep struggling, you will get there.

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  13. "My rational mind knows that I am on a slippery slope to destruction, but my physiological mind tells me to fuck it and just do what feels good at the moment. I really do not like the feeling of being out of control."

    Have we met? I think we're the same person. This is exactly what happens EVERY TIME I pick up my first beer of the day. Sometimes it's at 9:30 in the morning or 5 in the evening. But I feel the same way every time. Then, after the first, I slide down that slope. Thank you for sharing. I love knowing that I am not the only one.

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