***Submitted by Anonymous
This is not fun anymore.
It stopped being fun a long time ago. The amount of time I have spent worrying, ruminating, and berating myself about my drinking in truly staggering.
I am 45 year old woman with 3 beautiful, smart, athletic, fun daughters. I am also a woman whose marriage is crumbling before my eyes. I read a book titled something like Too good to leave too Bad to stay. One of the first questions in the book was when it was good, in the beginning, was it really GOOD? Or just OK? It realized it was just OK even back then and it sent shivers down my spine. 20 years later and it is not even OK. I think this stuck marital spot contributes to my drinking. My therapist does not. He thinks I am an alcoholic pure and simple.
I am not in denial about this anymore, truly. But I can’t seem to stop.
One thing no one ever seems to mention is the withdrawal symptoms. I have been drinking every day for most of my adult life except when pregnant. I had a corporate gig for 17 years so then my drinking was a glass or two of wine after work….but I always had one when I got home to ‘unwind’. When I left said corporate gig 5 years ago because it was way too big of a job to handle while having a husband who traveled for work and raising 3 kids, my drinking escalated. I still cannot fathom how this ‘disease’ snuck up on me. Let’s just say I am in shock, truly. This thing is kicking my butt.
Wow, when did it go from a few glasses to needing 5-plus a day just to feel normal? And now can we please talk about withdrawal? Because that is where I am now. If I don’t have my fix, I start to feel nauseous, achy, and there is a pressure in my chest. So now I drink just to make the physical symptoms go away. I read waaayyyy too much and am terrified I will have a seizure or DTs or otherwise lose control and that can’t happen, right? I would hate for the kids to see Mom in that state, so I better have a glass of cabernet to stave it off. But I have to have the glass in secret. Because I am terrified if I get a divorce my husband might play the alcohol card and I would lose the kids or it would affect the custody arrangement in some way.
I have not had a DUI, been arrested, passed out etc. etc. but am so scared he will use my drinking against me. So get help, right? My soul has been crying out for years, so last year I went to a rehab center hoping they would admit me to their outpatient program. The physician informed me you had to be clean for 5 days before they would do that. The intake lady on the phone told me not to stop drinking suddenly, so I didn’t. Said physician told me since I was not clean, she could not admit me to the outpatient program because I was still drinking. But they told me not to stop, I said. She said of course, because you might have a seizure. So why exactly did I go there, I wondered? I went to get help…and was sent home and advised to go to my regular physician to detox ambulatory. I did, being the good girl I am, and it was so hard to admit to my beloved GP I was abusing alcohol. I did a 5 day valium detox, and guess what? I was clean about a week and then right back at it.
I then went to a few AA meetings hoping the miracle would occur there. I listened to tons of inspiring people, but then let that fall by the wayside too since I felt like a fraud, still drinking. So here I sit at 9 am on a Saturday hating myself for drinking 9 glasses of wine yesterday and feeling so hung-over. Of course the first few were to make me feel ‘normal’ and not nauseous, but I just kept on going throughout the course of the day.
Like I said, not fun anymore.
I was drinking just to make sure I don’t feel like sh** . How did you guys get off the bottle and handle the withdrawal? I know that is just the beginning, and then the real work starts, but for now, that is what I truly need to know.