Friday, June 10, 2011

Hypocrisy, Thy Name Is Me

***Submitted by Kristin, who is a regular contributor to Crying Out Now

Lately, I've been finding myself mad at my husband on occasion.

I don't care if he leaves his socks on the floor. Or the cap off the toothpaste. But when he comes home drunk, I am nearly murderous.

Which makes me feel like a hypocrite. I mean, clearly I've had my own share of not so great nights or I wouldn't be writing here. Who am I to judge?

But every time it happens, and it's far from a nightly thing, I just want to scream. Haven't we learned anything from my drinking? Why can't you learn from watching me? I want him to want to live a quiet, content, easy lifestyle - simply because that's what I want right now. I want nothing to do with loud raucous parties or late nights in bars.

It's not like he blacks out or hits me or wastes money gambling while drunk. Mostly, he's just annoying.

There are brief moments I feel like he's toeing the line. But mostly, he's just annoying. When he's drunk, I shudder to think how stupid I must have sounded to sober people. I despise contemplating how much I annoyed those who were not drinking. Yet now, hypocritically, I really, really don't want a drunk person in my house.

I struggle with this as I think it's unfair to ask my husband to quit drinking just because I did. I don't really want others to stop drinking. I'm not counting their drinks. I swear I'm not.

But I truly no longer have a desire to go to a friend's "fun" all night bash. I would rather get some sleep, thank you. Plus, if we were to go, my husband might get drunk and then I'd have to entertain him. Just the idea of driving home, tired and past my bed time, with a drunk person babbling away in the passenger seat makes me tired.

How unfair is this of me? To think the rest of his life he needs to be on a leash at parties because I don't want to deal with taking a drunk person home? I genuinely feel guilty about it. I don't think he shuold have to live the rest of his life being watched and monitored by a wife who can't control her own drinking. Why should I feel it is my right to control and judge his drinking.

But at the same time, I really don't want a drunk person in my house. I can't imagine I ever will again.

How do you find a balance?


  1. "drunk" or "buzzed" can definitely be annoying to a sober person, especially if it happens more than every once in awhile. It's cute to take care of a drunk spouse on occasion, but repeatedly just gets "old." I totally get this and sympathize! :) I hope you find a balance in your house that works for you guys....I know I'm searching for that balance right now myself.

  2. "I hate sober people when I'm drunk and I hate drunk people when I'm sober" - I used to say offhandedly back when I was a drinker (6 whole months ago). Now looking at at the lifetime of sobriety in front of me I'm trying to figure out how to not "hate" the drunk people. I'm fine if my husband has a few beers or drinks - not a problem - but sitting through the parties not looking/feeling like a stick in the mud is difficult. Not necessarily because I want to drink - but because it's BORING - and drunk people ARE annoying when they are telling you the same story for the millionth time. And I was that person so so so so many times....

    I truly appreciate your post - it is so difficult to find balance...

  3. as an outsider in this world, i can assure you that how you are feel is definitely not just a recovery thing. i find drunk people excruciatingly irritating, and if my husband decided to number himself in that crowd, i'd feel the same way you do. personally? i think he should have a little more sensitivity towards you and your situation... a relationship is a two way street, and nothing more than balancing compromises. you can't compromise on your drinking, so he should bend on his- mainly, not come home drunk like a frat boy on pledge night. :-/

  4. i so much relate to what you write. in fact here i am on a friday night having come up to bed early because my husband came home from the pub, opened a bottle of wine and drank half of it and then fell asleep. i am not quite as vile to him as when i was first sober but i really hate when he drinks too much. i'm cool with people just having a glass or two - its when things get slurry and silly i hate it. thanks for your post- just what i needed.

  5. Sobriety is our choice, we have the problem. We all know that. Personally I would expect support from my husband, if I communicated to him that his drinking was risking my sobriety I would expect it to stop.

    But then I cannot control people, places or things and I would have to give it up to God.

    How are you lines of communication? Is this a family recovery in the sense of him supporting you and truly understanding that you were on a path to death?

    Without knowing the history I would suggest communicating with him. If you've already done this I would say it's pretty bloody insensitive and I'd be ticked to say the least.

    Sobriety comes first and you have to ensure yours is solid no matter what it takes.

  6. I have struggled with this too. I have communicated. It has helped, and it hasn't. I hate being around drunk people; like you, I want the peace and quiet. I find listening to people who are drunk incredibly tiresome and avoid it as much as I can.

    I am in no position to provide advice; I will say that as time goes by, I keep finding answers on how to handle it.

    If you come to any great discoveries, please do let me know!

  7. I feel you. Every year there is a drink-a-thon golf outing that my husband and his friends attend in the memory of a friend's child. I feel badly that I am not there to support the parents, but I can't go. I just can't be around that and if that means that my husband spends the night, so be it. I won't be his personal designated driver if it puts me at risk or makes me uncomfortable. It is hard and maybe it is hypocritical, but preserving my sobriety/sanity is my priority.