***Submitted by Kristin, who is a regular contributor to Crying Out Now
Lately, I've been finding myself mad at my husband on occasion.
I don't care if he leaves his socks on the floor. Or the cap off the toothpaste. But when he comes home drunk, I am nearly murderous.
Which makes me feel like a hypocrite. I mean, clearly I've had my own share of not so great nights or I wouldn't be writing here. Who am I to judge?
But every time it happens, and it's far from a nightly thing, I just want to scream. Haven't we learned anything from my drinking? Why can't you learn from watching me? I want him to want to live a quiet, content, easy lifestyle - simply because that's what I want right now. I want nothing to do with loud raucous parties or late nights in bars.
It's not like he blacks out or hits me or wastes money gambling while drunk. Mostly, he's just annoying.
There are brief moments I feel like he's toeing the line. But mostly, he's just annoying. When he's drunk, I shudder to think how stupid I must have sounded to sober people. I despise contemplating how much I annoyed those who were not drinking. Yet now, hypocritically, I really, really don't want a drunk person in my house.
I struggle with this as I think it's unfair to ask my husband to quit drinking just because I did. I don't really want others to stop drinking. I'm not counting their drinks. I swear I'm not.
But I truly no longer have a desire to go to a friend's "fun" all night bash. I would rather get some sleep, thank you. Plus, if we were to go, my husband might get drunk and then I'd have to entertain him. Just the idea of driving home, tired and past my bed time, with a drunk person babbling away in the passenger seat makes me tired.
How unfair is this of me? To think the rest of his life he needs to be on a leash at parties because I don't want to deal with taking a drunk person home? I genuinely feel guilty about it. I don't think he shuold have to live the rest of his life being watched and monitored by a wife who can't control her own drinking. Why should I feel it is my right to control and judge his drinking.
But at the same time, I really don't want a drunk person in my house. I can't imagine I ever will again.
How do you find a balance?