***Submitted by Anonymous
Last week I googled the words alcoholic-woman-blogs.
I was surprised what the search came up with.
I used to keep a diary, but now find I can't because I won't be telling the whole truth. I can't tell the whole truth to my diary. What if my kids found it, or my husband? What happens when I die and they read the repetitious entries on drinking, dieting, needing to stop drinking, needing to lose weight? The same old story, no growth, no personal development over all those years.
Me, I drink too much. I have always drunk too much. But since maybe 2004, it's been every day. And maybe for the last 3 years, or 4, it's been a bottle of wine a day. And sometimes I add to that. When the bottle is gone, perhaps a shot of hard stuff or something tame, like sherry.
To read the blog entries touched me. I thought, hmm, before I drink I'll read them and it will stop me. It didn't.
I was surprised to read entries from women with stories just like mine, not coming from a tragic background. Educated. In good financial status. And hiding their alcoholism.
Perhaps by writing here I can help myself, because I do want to. I'm a hypocrite, feeling angry at my brother for his alcoholism, the drain it puts on my mother, our family. Why doesn't he just die?
But I'm no better, only luckier. Still undiscovered. Still under cover. Exercising. Preparing healthy meals. Draining the fat from and rinsing the hamburger meat the rare (though less rare) times I cook with it. Eating whole wheat bread and low fat dairy.
Hoping my sons have inherited my husband's non-alcoholic genes, not mine.
I don't live in an English speaking country. I live in a small town. My neighbors' houses are so nearby that I can hear their phones ring and hear them talking. I know about AA. But I can't see myself going there. Not here. Maybe not anywhere.
I admire those writing. Thank you for opening up.