Sunday, May 22, 2011

My First Time

***Submitted by Anonymous

Last week I googled the words alcoholic-woman-blogs.

I was surprised what the search came up with.

I used to keep a diary, but now find I can't because I won't be telling the whole truth. I can't tell the whole truth to my diary. What if my kids found it, or my husband? What happens when I die and they read the repetitious entries on drinking, dieting, needing to stop drinking, needing to lose weight? The same old story, no growth, no personal development over all those years.

Me, I drink too much. I have always drunk too much. But since maybe 2004, it's been every day. And maybe for the last 3 years, or 4, it's been a bottle of wine a day. And sometimes I add to that. When the bottle is gone, perhaps a shot of hard stuff or something tame, like sherry.

To read the blog entries touched me. I thought, hmm, before I drink I'll read them and it will stop me. It didn't.

I was surprised to read entries from women with stories just like mine, not coming from a tragic background. Educated. In good financial status. And hiding their alcoholism.

Perhaps by writing here I can help myself, because I do want to. I'm a hypocrite, feeling angry at my brother for his alcoholism, the drain it puts on my mother, our family. Why doesn't he just die?

But I'm no better, only luckier. Still undiscovered. Still under cover. Exercising. Preparing healthy meals. Draining the fat from and rinsing the hamburger meat the rare (though less rare) times I cook with it. Eating whole wheat bread and low fat dairy.

Hoping my sons have inherited my husband's non-alcoholic genes, not mine.

I don't live in an English speaking country. I live in a small town. My neighbors' houses are so nearby that I can hear their phones ring and hear them talking. I know about AA. But I can't see myself going there. Not here. Maybe not anywhere.

I admire those writing. Thank you for opening up.


  1. Thank you for reaching out. We all gain from each other, regardless of what our backgrounds/stories are.

  2. You are so brave to finally reach out. This sounds cliche, but I have been where you are. Your story is much like mine. The hiding, the sneaking, the failure to be honest with one's diary. I wouldn't even keep a diary after a while because I couldn't see the point of keeping one if I wasn't going to be honest about what was really going on with me.

    Living like this day in and day out is soul-crushing. But remember, there IS a solution. You don't have to live like this if you are willing to seek help from others like you.

    I thought I was a hopeless alcoholic. Well, I was hope-less. But the fear of continuing to destroy myself with alcohol finally outweighed my fear in what others would think if I sought help. They call it the gift of desperation. I hope that you can find that very soon. You do not have to suffer sober.

    Thank you for opening up to us. There are millions of us out here recovering and we understand. Sending prayers of love and understanding to you. Please keep reaching out.

  3. I understand what you are saying. I did the exact same search about a year ago. The medical websites scared the heck out of me about withdrawal, long term effects, etc. Still struggling but I've made improvements and learned so much from the REAL people who share their stories online. I know MANY won't agree with me (I too can't see myself doing AA meetings) but I think there is more than one way to approach "it". Reading the AA big book and learning the mantras can help. Getting at why I want to escape into the wine bottle helps. Thinking through the drink helps. You are not alone.

  4. Aweseome post. And you know what? You've taken a huge first step by sharing your thoughts with others. You are truly on your way. "...the repetitious entries on drinking, dieting, needing to stop drinking, needing to lose weight? The same old story, no growth, no personal development over all those years." Loved that." Most do not even realize that and you put it right out there. You may not not be able to picture yourself going to AA, but you can buy an AA Big Book, put a Gone With The Wind book cover over it and read it. And keep writing and sharing. Very important! Your journey has begun!


  5. I had an eerie feeling reading your blog - I could have written it myself two months ago, right down to rinsing the hamburger. Fear of AA kept me drinking, even though it is a great program. Connecting with AA folks online has helped me to stop, although I'm told that nothing beats the real thing.

    You need to know that you are not alone, you have fallen into a very common pattern and it is possible to change it. The sooner the better.

    I convinced myself that drinking so much was still okay, that I was drinking more than I should but not enough to really hurt anything. The amount you drink IS too much, it will hurt you.

    Wanting to stop is the beginning, you are gearing up to make this change. Take a deep breath, stock up of tea, sparkling water and ice cream, and prepare to take your life back. You can do it!

    You'll miss the wine at first but you'll never miss the guilt.

    Lots of love, encouragement and understanding from someone just like you who is only a few steps ahead in the journey,

  6. Dear Anonymous-

    First I want to say that I know how hard it is to reach out. The good news is you are NOT alone, as you have discovered. Also, there are other groups/support systems out there other than AA. A little over 4 years ago I was at my bottom. I wasn't dying and nothing horrible happened, but I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Tired of repeating the same madness day in and day out. I found a group called Women for Sobriety- see the link posted on the side of this blog. I quit drinking the day I found the website and joined the online support board. There are many women on there from non-English speaking countries. I won't lie and tell you that it wasn't hard, but I absolutely do not regret becoming sober.
    In Support & Love-

  7. Hello there and it's so wonderful to hear about your journey! Taking a step to document this online is progress. What AA teaches is to seek progress rather than perfection.
    I personally have never kept a journal, my fears that someone would read it wouldn't allow for it.
    My life has been changed by AA, not just by stopping drinking but by the personal and spiritual growth which occurrs.
    You can see the program and it's recommended steps in the literature but there is also nothing like talking with another alcoholic to help you.
    I'd like to take this opportunity to offer this to you, my email is soberjulie@gmail and I'd be happy to be an online support for you or anyone else who has a true desire to stop drinking.

    The benefits of a truly sober life are amazing!

  8. Such similarities in the way I felt about my journal. Same problems, same regret, same cycle over and over. Maybe you read my blog, if not it's probably similar to the ones you did read because amazingly I have found that women alcoholics share the same stories with different details. But we get it. I have tried to stop for at least 4 years. This is my day 86. This is the 2nd longest time I have gone without drinking since then. It is scary but it is achievable. Please don't give up on yourself.

  9. I am pretty much parroting what the other ladies have said. I didn't know that there was an online sober community, and when I found it my eyes opened. I am getting sober. I can't say that I've quit completely, but I quit everyday. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I can make it 7-10 days now when I only used to make it 1. I know what you mean about the healthy part of yoru life. I'm vegetarian, use all organic products (Whole Foods is my second home), I exercise, but I poison my body with alcohol. It doesn't make sense. And it may never make sense. But you have to try. You may and probably will fail, but don't give up. One of these days the qutting has to stick. It just has to. And until then and after, we are here for you.