*** Submitted by Hope, who blogs at A Better Gift
The reason for this blog. The only way that I can heal. The only way I will remember.
Hi, my name is Hope (a pen name for now...), and I'm an alcoholic. Phew! Why is it that my heart races, and I become short of breath when I type that? I know I need to put this down in words, so that three months from now, when I feel "cured" I will remember. I'll remember that no matter how much I try, how "good" I can be, I CANNOT control my drinking. That if I start again, it will just result in the same spiral...
I know that I'm not a bad person. I'm just not physically capable of having just one drink. I may keep it to three beers, but I'll want more. I may go a whole week without drinking, but the then I'll binge and put myself in danger. Not every time, but enough times that I'm scared. And I know that if I keep drinking, it will just get worse.
I need to remember two nights ago. Going over to a girlfriend's house after 6 hours of drinking, making an absolute ass of myself, falling down the porch steps, refusing to go to bed, and taking a cab home in one of her robes because apparently I really was about ready for bed - till I wasn't, stumbling in to my house, and scaring my loving husband. Oh, and I need to remember the next day: waking up at 12:30 in the afternoon, blowing off my sister-in-law, feeling like dog poo, and eventually puking the evening away. Yea, that's what alcohol does to me. Not all the time, but how many reckless instances like this can one have before saying is enough enough?
Now. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to feel this shame, anxiety, fear, and self-loathing. I need to take control of my life, and of this addiction. And I can't do it alone. I'm hoping that with my husband, my friends, and this online community, I will be able to remember why I can't drink. And be able to live a life of recovery and hope.
And what better gift could I possible give myself than that?