Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Accountability

*** Submitted by Hope, who blogs at A Better Gift

The reason for this blog. The only way that I can heal. The only way I will remember.


Hi, my name is Hope (a pen name for now...), and I'm an alcoholic. Phew! Why is it that my heart races, and I become short of breath when I type that? I know I need to put this down in words, so that three months from now, when I feel "cured" I will remember. I'll remember that no matter how much I try, how "good" I can be, I CANNOT control my drinking. That if I start again, it will just result in the same spiral...

I know that I'm not a bad person. I'm just not physically capable of having just one drink. I may keep it to three beers, but I'll want more. I may go a whole week without drinking, but the then I'll binge and put myself in danger. Not every time, but enough times that I'm scared. And I know that if I keep drinking, it will just get worse.

I need to remember two nights ago. Going over to a girlfriend's house after 6 hours of drinking, making an absolute ass of myself, falling down the porch steps, refusing to go to bed, and taking a cab home in one of her robes because apparently I really was about ready for bed - till I wasn't, stumbling in to my house, and scaring my loving husband. Oh, and I need to remember the next day: waking up at 12:30 in the afternoon, blowing off my sister-in-law, feeling like dog poo, and eventually puking the evening away. Yea, that's what alcohol does to me. Not all the time, but how many reckless instances like this can one have before saying is enough enough?

Now. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to feel this shame, anxiety, fear, and self-loathing. I need to take control of my life, and of this addiction. And I can't do it alone. I'm hoping that with my husband, my friends, and this online community, I will be able to remember why I can't drink. And be able to live a life of recovery and hope.

And what better gift could I possible give myself than that?

5 comments:

  1. Thank you for this. I'm trying to get sober, and nights like you describe are happening to me more and more. I have so much resolve to stop - for about two days - and then I start to feel better and the shame is too much and I drink to hide. I need to break this cycle. Your courage and honesty helped me a lot today.

    Thank you.

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  2. Thanks for sharing. Every day you are sober is a gift. I have been sober for just over three months and the only way I did it in the begining was by taking one minute, one hour, one day at a time. You are right, family and friends can offer a lot of support. I have found the online community of recovery blogs the most supportive. Hang in there x

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  3. Thanks so much for this post. I have been journaling for the exact same reason - so that when I think I'm cured and want to have just one drink, I can look back and remember!

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  4. None of us do this alone, you don't need to either. We all have those "falling down the porch stairs" stories, but they no longer have to define us.

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  5. I am going through something similar. I rarely even drink, but when I do, I am unable to drink in moderation. I'm getting kicked out of bars, acting violent, doing sleezy things that I would NEVER do sober. It feels like it lets out this demon version of me. I hate it. I hate the way I always feel the next day, sometimes even for two days after. This time is the breaking point. I am done, forever. When my friends or coworkers pressure me to go out, I'm going to choose happiness and health over "fun". What's fun about calling into work, humiliating myself, putting myself in danger, and risking my relationship? NOTHING! Thanks for posting this where others could see it. It's nice to know yr not alone

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