Thursday, April 7, 2011

On Her One Year Anniversary .. The Power of the Truth

***Submitted by Claire, who blogs at Self-Reliance Run Rampant
 
I am only as sick as my secrets


March 31, 2010 was my sobriety date. But the truth is, it isn't.

After years of a heavy wine habit, ending at 2+ bottles a night, I knew I was done drinking. My relapse lasted 11 years. For the last several years, I waited every day to wake up and know that the pain of continuing to drink was more than I could pay to drink. When that day came, I tried to quit. The shakes, sweats, and insomnia were more than I could take. If I could have ripped off my skin, I would have. All I needed was a few days, 3 or so, and I knew I could go from there. I had done it before, but the first time I quit, I hadn't drunk as much for as long.

After confessing to my doctor, he gave me 5 days of librium. I took it for 4 days and got my few days. On Day 6, with my husband traveling, I slipped.

There was a bottle of scotch I intended to take to my mother's house, and despite loathing scotch, I drank myself stupid. I may have puked. We were having our house painted, and I awoke the next morning to the painters knocking at the door, more hungover than I had been in years. It was all I could do to open the door, mumble I was sick, and go upstairs to pass out in the guest room for another six hours. When I awoke, still miserable, they were gone. I was mortified. I was supposed to be working from home, but I hadn't even logged in or checked on my team all day. As we all do, I felt shame and guilt and sick. Librium is supposed to pass out of  your body pretty quickly (it was no accident that it was two whole days after

I'd stopped taking it that I drank), but there still must have been some in me.

I felt like a walking corpse.

And since I had 5 days of sobriety on April 6th, I did what I have always done: rationalize, minimize, deny, and tell no one. I took that slip and buried it deep away, put my happy AA face on and stuck with my original sobriety date story. And while I didn't completely forget, I didn't take that secret out and examine it either.

My drinking was hidden in a cupboard, that is my go to position: hide, lie by omission, and never waver from the original story. I'm just starting to understand how deep and old and reflexive that habit is. It's so deep it
doesn't feel like a habit, it feels like a Prime Directive.

That shit will kill me one way or another. One day this month, while working on my fourth step, I went on the back deck to smoke. As I sat looking over the ridge, anticipating a sober spring and my AA birthday on 3/31, I realized I have a huge lie hanging over my sobriety. As my marriage knits back together, as my Higher Power links me into a sober community that helps me see the folly in my mantra of self-reliance, I risk it with a lie. I had a moment of clarity: Your sobriety date is not March 31st; you have to tell the truth.

Suddenly, I knew I had to tell my sponsor, then, everyone else. The fear of
everyone's disappointment was nothing to the fear that keeping my secret could
lead me back to drinking.

It took me another 2 weeks to actually tell my sponsor. But I did. Of course she understood, it is what people in early sobriety often do. Then I changed my sobriety date in our home group directory. Then I told my husband, then our therapist, and finally the rest of my sober network.

My progress is in confessing my secret. I refuse to allow it and that bitch 'Ism' to have this power over me. I bought her story for the last time on April 6, 2010. I thought I knew I was done on March, 31st. Apparently, I had to research one more night. I never, ever, EVER want to feel that way again.

I am an alcoholic, and my sobriety date is April 7, 2010.

P.S. A day after writing this I went to a meeting. The topic of surrendering our will to our Higher Power came up. I saw my slip and subsequent lie in a different light. It was my will that my sobriety date was 3/31, but God's will that it be 4/7. I think I'll go with God's version.

8 comments:

  1. Atta girl. Letting go of the past is an amazing thing, like an onion we peel away our old self and realize who we are!!!!
    Being rigorously honest has been uncomfortable at times but so Freeing.
    I am celebrating with you today!!

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  2. Claire!
    This is "the site" where I got as honest as it gets!! There is something about this website, some kind of embracing enticement to "tell all"
    "SPILL IT" It's as though all who enter know they can tread safely and there will be no judgement..
    I'm so grateful for your story today and for your honesty. Two a night (merlot) was my DOC for quite some time.
    Sincere congratulations as you celebrate!!
    ~d

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  3. To push past the lies is painful. To push past the lies you tell yourself is excruciating. To finally get it out of your system; freeing. I get (from your story) that you feel reborn in your real sobriety date.

    Congratulations on your honesty. your sobriety. your "not buying her story" ... congratulations.

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  4. Awesome. Congratulations on one year. We do recover.

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  5. Oh my, this whole piece was wonderful to read, but the last paragraph brought me to tears. What a wonderful way to look at it. That is pure grace that you deserve.

    Congrats on a huge accomplishment. You are in my prayers to continue on the path.

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  6. Congratulations on a year well earned :)

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  7. That bitch "ism". So aptly put!!

    Congratulations on your year and thanks for being an example of the courage to change the things you can!

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  8. Congratulations! Who is anyone to judge here? We all lied. I am 6 months sober today. You inspire me to get to one year! Thank-you!

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