***Submitted by Jess, who tweets at @AllThingsWell
Hi, my name is Jess. I am 25. I am a recovering alcoholic and addict, recovered from a 7 year eating disorder, and recovered cutter. I must consider this a bit shy of a miracle due to all the hard work I have put into recovery. I can live each day accepting my normal size, and not wondering where or how to get my next drink. I am blessed with three beautiful very young children, whom are one of my major incentives for recovery. I am separated from my alcoholic husband, which is a must in order for my recovery to progress.
I have had many attempts at sobriety. Pregnancy was a great way to stay dry, and try to convince myself that all I needed was to abstain. I could achieve a a year and a half, then a year, then 6 months, then 3, then barely 2 days. My alcoholism was getting worse, although I couldn't recognize it. Consequences were only deterrents. In the end, I could rationalize and believe anything I wanted. I've had some major consequences: car accidents, psych wards, legal, inability to stay in college, children services, very damaged relationships. I relapsed after each one because I couldn't accept that I cannot control my drinking. I was an alcoholic, but different.
I finally got tired. Thus, with no new consequences, I slid into a real sobriety. I threw my arms up, and turned to the only thing I've seen work. AA. I stood at their door very vulnerable, hoping they could do better with me than I could. Although scared, I felt more relieved than I ever had in my life. I could stop fighting myself. The second I let go, and followed their directions, I knew I could stay sober. With that being said, it was hard to not get angry at the fact that I tried with all my might for so long, and theirs worked instantly. It worked well. I felt relieved, happier, and the mental obsession was lifted. Drinking urges still popped up, its only natural, however the sheer obsession was gone.
I never once imagined saying this, but I've found a way. It consists of multiple support people, and following their advice. I still have so much to learn. I haven't been sober very long this time around, but there's more quality in it than all my dry time put together.
Things are not perfect, far from, but I am happy enough to recognize that I never want to go back again.