Monday, April 11, 2011

Introduction to Recovery

***Submitted by Jess, who tweets at @AllThingsWell


Hi, my name is Jess. I am 25. I am a recovering alcoholic and addict, recovered from a 7 year eating disorder, and recovered cutter. I must consider this a bit shy of a miracle due to all the hard work I have put into recovery. I can live each day accepting my normal size, and not wondering where or how to get my next drink. I am blessed with three beautiful very young children, whom are one of my major incentives for recovery. I am separated from my alcoholic husband, which is a must in order for my recovery to progress.

I have had many attempts at sobriety. Pregnancy was a great way to stay dry, and try to convince myself that all I needed was to abstain. I could achieve a a year and a half, then a year, then 6 months, then 3, then barely 2 days. My alcoholism was getting worse, although I couldn't recognize it. Consequences were only deterrents. In the end, I could rationalize and believe anything I wanted. I've had some major consequences: car accidents, psych wards, legal, inability to stay in college, children services, very damaged relationships. I relapsed after each one because I couldn't accept that I cannot control my drinking. I was an alcoholic, but different.

I finally got tired. Thus, with no new consequences, I slid into a real sobriety. I threw my arms up, and turned to the only thing I've seen work. AA. I stood at their door very vulnerable, hoping they could do better with me than I could. Although scared, I felt more relieved than I ever had in my life. I could stop fighting myself. The second I let go, and followed their directions, I knew I could stay sober. With that being said, it was hard to not get angry at the fact that I tried with all my might for so long, and theirs worked instantly. It worked well. I felt relieved, happier, and the mental obsession was lifted. Drinking urges still popped up, its only natural, however the sheer obsession was gone.

I never once imagined saying this, but I've found a way. It consists of multiple support people, and following their advice. I still have so much to learn. I haven't been sober very long this time around, but there's more quality in it than all my dry time put together.

Things are not perfect, far from, but I am happy enough to recognize that I never want to go back again.

7 comments:

  1. I recognize so much of myself in your post. I pray that you continue to find the willingness to stick around. It is worth it.

    Hang in there :)

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  2. This made me tear up - you describe so beautifully what it feels like to finally, finally surrender. The freedom in gettin out of your own way, of doing the hard, brave thing, of giving up the fight in order to win it.

    You are so strong, so inspiring. Thank you so much for your words; I identified with every single one of them.

    P.S. - word verification to post this comment was "equal". LOVE IT.

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  3. I am in awe of your strength. Thank you for posting here and for sharing your story. It will help so many people. :) You are in my thoughts for continued sobriety.

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  4. Release is a beautiful thing. Glad to have you here.

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  5. Sounds like you have the gift of despeation. It can be a beautiful thing if used wisely. You appear to be using it wisely. I wish you continued sobriety and the gifts it will bring you.

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  6. The day I "gave it up to God" was the most freeing I've felt. Scary doesn't begin to describe it but the situations that brought me to that point were more frightening.
    Glad to hear you're feeling the Promises coming true.

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  7. Thank you for sharing your story, and for giving hope to others in telling it.

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