Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Talking To My Disease

***Submitted by Anonymous

I am eleven days away from one year of sobriety and I'm scared. I'm scared because the conversation in my head, the looped one that just goes round and round, has been on repeat for the last two days. It goes something like this:


If I can not drink for a whole year, then I'm not an alcoholic.

The fact that I can't stop thinking about this means that I am an alcoholic.

No one would know if I drank.

You'd know.

But I don't care.

Yes you do.

I could buy a bottle and stash it. Late at night when I'm alone, I could have some. It would help me relax, help me get to sleep. It would taste so good. It would FEEL so good.

No it wouldn't. It would taste terrible. It would make you feel ashamed and guilty.

You're wrong.

No I'm not.

What about your family? They're so proud of you.

Fuck them. They're the only reason I'm not 'allowed' to drink and I resent them for that.

How can you resent them for loving and needing you? For wanting you to be healthy and sober?

Because I do.

That's your alcoholism talking.

No, that's me being honest.

You're delusional.

No, I'm pathetic--there's a difference. And my angry, sad, miserable and pathetic self would really like a drink.

You realize that there's no such thing as "a drink" with you, right?

Shut up.

Have you forgotten the hangovers? The black outs? The shaking hands? The waking up every two hours soaked in your own sweat?

Shut up.

The "vodka shits" every other day? The twenty-four hour a day headaches? The inability to think about anything but the bottle? The shots added to your coffee at seven in the morning just to stop the shakes and ease the pain? Is any of this ringing a bell?

SHUT UP.

No. Let's keep talking. Let's talk about the look in your daughter's eyes every time she looked at you during that month after you woke the whole house up by passing out cold and cracking your head on the floor, causing her to rush out to see what the loud noise was and finding her MOTHER drunk and unconscious. Let's talk about how THAT FELT.

I don't want to talk about that. I don't want to think about that.

If you drink, and she finds out, that look will come back, but this time it will be so much worse. Because this time she KNOWS what you are. And she KNOWS that you've been sober for a year. And she's proud of you and she trusts you again. She believes in you. And if you go back to where you were, she may never, ever trust you again. That look may never leave her eyes.


I know. But. I don't know if that's enough to keep me from drinking.

I know it should be enough. I want it to be enough.

Most days it is. Today it is.

Good. Today is all that matters.

We'll talk tomorrow.

19 comments:

  1. Wow, what a beautiful piece of writing. It's so raw and honest, and although my addiction wasn't alcohol, I can so relate to the conversation that you've written here with yourself. I was so afraid to hit my year, because I knew that meant I couldn't go back.

    Wonderful job, and thank you for writing this.

    B

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  2. You inspire me to keep doing what I do..help addicts in their recovery process.

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  3. This blew me away. Thank you for your honesty and for reminding us how insane that other voice can be.

    (AND... congratulations on a year. xo)

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  4. This is epic. Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful piece of writing. Congratulations on a year :) Keep going!

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  5. Very powerful! Thank you for the honesty of that piece! Congrats on almost 1 year!!

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  6. Goodness gracious, what a wicked piece of writing. You brought tears to my eyes, and made me remember what a struggle early recovery always is, for all of us. I committed myself to my recovery for the sake of my two beautiful daughters, in the beginning. They were so worth the effort and the pain. Then one day, not even sure when, I realized that I was recovering for me, too. Congratulations on your year - it is a huge huge huge deal. Celebrate it with the guts and the grace you so obviously have going for you.

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  7. I feel so similar to you, I am coming up on 11 months and I am freaking. Thank you for your post.

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  8. Very honest. I can completely relate to that entire conversaion in my head. I have those conversations too. I hope you don't listen. I am trying not to listen too.

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  9. thank you for pouring your heart out. for letting us into your internal conversation. for sharing from the depths. so much respect for you. *HUG*

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  10. Wow! What an amazing piece of writing. Everything in this reminds me of myself and my disease. Thank you so much for sharing this.

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  11. Holy Crap! Ten months for me next week and I had this EXACT conversation in my head today. Thank you so much for writing this. It really, really helps to know I'm not alone.

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  12. Thank you for writing and submitting this.

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  13. Thanks for the raw honesty. I have the same conversations too. Naming the addictive voice helps so much. Congrats on 1 year. I hope you do something really really kind for yourself on that day!

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  14. Thank you to all of you for your kind comments. Monday, when I wrote this, was a very hard day. One the hardest to date. I feel so much better today. On the 2nd, when I hit my year, we are all going out to dinner to celebrate. And I have my home group meeting on the same day...so it's going to be a great day for me all the way around. Thanks again.

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  15. What a great post and I totally relate. In 22 days I will have one year too.

    Last August when my divorce was final and I had finally found a place to move to, my thoughts were like yours. Who would know if I drank?

    For so long my exhusband had policed my drinking and now I wouldn't have anyone to answer to or so I argued with myself. It was a struggle but I got thru it and thankfully never followed thru on those thoughts.

    Thank you for your honesty.

    LF

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  16. Anonymous

    Congratulations, I have heard after one year you can decide if you want to follow o not.
    Im eight month and your words inspire me to continue, thanks

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  17. Oh man- this is so true. I could feel, hear, KNOW the conversation.

    Thank you for sharing.

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  18. i'm only 5 days sober.....and was having conversations with myself at 4:45pm....really wanting a glass(bottle) of wine. Low blood sugar...and that instantly relieves it. but....thankyou for reminding me of the consequences.

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