***Submitted by Anonymous
I wake feeling seedy and lethargic. Sometimes with a pounding head, usually with a terrible thirst and a full bladder. I can't move. What day is it? I want to close my eyes again.
Sometimes I feel like I never want to open them again. I can't give in to this. I have 2 bouncing toddlers, fresh from a deep slumber, full of energy clambering over me. One cuddling in and playing with my hair, nose to nose. A deep sigh expels my rank breath and I see my little one turn her head. The other repeatedly begging me to 'get up'
"It's a beautiful morning, Mummy. I'm a hungry" says the little man as he pulls back the curtain to reveal the bright light, which makes me wince. I drag myself from the womb of my bed and feel the pain in my back and in my head, rhythmic thumps which cause shoulder tensing, breathless moments, heaviness in my legs, the nausea in my stomach and the urgent call of my bladder. I talk with a cheerful upbeat (disconnected) croaky voice, answering the relentless comments/questions/demands as I walk with the stiffness of a person diagnosed with early Parkinson's Disease. I shake like one too, later.
As I sit on the loo, I lift my head high enough to catch the top portion of my face, in the mirror opposite. I am greeted with a tousled bed head hair do, desperate roots needing some acknowledgement and a full blown puff-fest around my eyes and cheeks. If I care to torment myself even further, I straighten my tortured spine enough to allow the lower part of my face to be seen. Ugh! Bloated, I take a horse piss and wonder if I can make it through ANOTHER DAY!
Every morning begins like this. Then the day takes over. I need to function. Maybe it's Monday and that is a relief because I don't go to work. I only have to get through the day with 2 toddlers. Not easy but more manageable than getting the kids ready for preschool and heading off to work. Every morning I resolve today will be different. I won't drink tonight. I'll drink herbal tea and go to bed early. A 9pm curfew. Perfect. I will feel so good tomorrow, not optimal but better than I felt this morning or the previous morning and the morning before that.
In fact, I'll not drink Monday through 'til Thursday, inclusive, I decide.
I have done so before. Sporadically. It was wonderful. I was in control and empowered. Well slept. Ate well. Less emotional. More rational. More focused on my kids and their needs. My poor depleted soul had more energy to keep up with the unforeseen. I felt like I could achieve anything. Momentarily. Until the voice within acknowledges the horrendous hangover symptoms are abating. Suddenly I'm less paranoid, I have a new lease on life. It's a Friday, woohoo, I made it through another week, time to celebrate. It's a Wednesday, I managed to get to work and get through the day, woohoo, time to celebrate... Oh goody, it's the weekend. Perfect. The hubby can help me deal with the kids and the demands. A nice meal a lovely bottle of wine to celebrate us making it through another difficult week. Time to unwind. All the excuses under the sun and moon.
An ideal world is a world which alcohol doesn't factor into every thought process of the day or the minute of the next hour. Until an emotional trigger sends me to the bottle. And the next. In fact, I'm so convinced it's cheaper to buy 2 for $20 or even 4 for $40. Except I'm fooling myself. It just means more at hand, accompanied by less willpower.
I really admire people who can have a 'bar' in the house. By this I mean a wine rack or 2 bottles in the cupboard, 17 bottles of spirits that they won't touch unless they have company. Unless it's a special occasion. If it's in my house, I will drink it. When I feel I've had enough, I'll have another and another, if there is any left.
I have been drinking red wine as I have typed this. I have paused writing to feed, bath, cuddle my kids. I have read a book or 2 to them, yawning the whole time, tired and desperate for sleep, wishing for them to be asleep so I can grab another red.
I have finally found a place to be comfortable (anonymously - god forbid anyone recognises me, such is the self loathing) to write down my feelings, my torment. All thanks to Edenland.
I have started many a private email to her, only to save or delete. I don't want to burden her with my self distress and my ability to offload my deeply buried realism, that I am an addict. An alcoholic. A pill popper. A day dreamer. A wish/ desire for things to be different. Yet, she is my inspiration. She has dealt with horrendous experiences. 'How can I say this and that when she has this and that going on" Do I really think my inadequacies are support to her in her time of distress'
I want her to know that because of her I am confronting my demons and really, possibly ready to face up to reality which is the desire to reduce my intake or 'quel horreur" go dry. I have posted anonymously to her blog, once. I want to be anonymous, for now, because I am terrified that my raw emotions put in writing in a universal space may somehow affect my truly innocent and deliciously delightful kids. I adore them more than anything. Here lies the quandary. If I adore them, more than anything, why can't I say no to the first and subsequent glass of red or white or vodka or beer or tablet.
It's time for me to stop this post. I am intoxicated with red wine and I took a serepax earlier because I haven't filled my antidepressant script today. My body was tort with anxiety and turmoil. The serepax and red wine have levelled me. I am what I consider blissfully happy and relaxed. I want to see my kids in bed, watch their chests rise and fall. Whisper my love and kiss them sweetly. I'm very grateful to Edenland for posting the link to Crying Out Now so I can safely express the fear and thoughts my husband doesn't want to hear because it "brings me down".
After selfishly taking advantage of this opportunity to offload my thoughts and feelings, I hope to connect with anyone who can relate. I also encourage you to offload whether you are sympathetic, drunk, hungover, sober or in the limbo of will I or won't I have a drink tonight.
Whatever your emotion or state I can reassure you I feel better for doing so. Even though I'm going to have another glass of red. Tonight.