Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Countdown

*** Submitted by Deb, who is a regular contributor to Crying Out Now


Day One


I'd started to feel weak and fuzzy-headed so I took a day or two off from drinking my nightly wine. The physical symptoms of exhaustion and depression the day after became too much to bear last week. And what I've found, as I've discovered on previous abstinence cycles, is that I was more emotional than usual. More sadness, more discontent, more agitation. But what I also realized is how nice it was to feel those things the way they were meant to be felt: in-your-gut and full frontal.

Day One Again

Conversely, I sort of enjoyed feeling again, even if the emotions weren't all sunshine, and so I didn't drink another night, spending the evening on the couch with my husband and kids watching TV. Weirder still, I enjoyed it. I couldn't tell you the last time I've sat without a drink in my hand after 7PM.

The Day Before One

The next night I attended a school fundraiser with my husband. At last year's event, I recall teetering to the bar in high heels, spilling my just-procured wine down the front of my dress. I didn't stop to think I looked like a drunk.

This year, I kept myself to two beers as it seems I can't give up drinking quite yet, but still, I didn't give in to my wine kryptonite. I stayed refreshingly sober and clear-minded, watching the other attendees talk a bit too loudly or trip over dress hems. Do I look like that? I almost asked my husband, but didn't because of course I'm not ready for the answer.

I kept to myself much of the evening, preferring to sit and be. And that's the part for which I'm most unprepared. Drinking buddies sat next to me for a time, several proclaiming that I was "mellow" that night. One couple tried to talk my husband and I into hosting the after-party, and I ignored them and avoided answering, preferring to leave unnoticed instead. I'm discovering that what comes with drinking isn't really for me, in fact, isn't me at all. And I have no idea what to do with that newfound knowledge.

The Day That is Now

I don't know what comes next.

5 comments:

  1. Getting to know myself has been a journey for me, a process. It's uncomfortable at times but it's so worth it. My joys are so much larger now in my Sober life.

    And you don't have to do anything with it right now....we live just one day at a time.

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  2. I think that's the beauty of sobriety: not knowing what will come next, but knowing that it can be done sober.

    My life as a drinker had become so predictable. No matter how adventurous and off-the-cuff I wanted my life to appear, the reality is that is was completely ruled by the drink, and thus, predictable.

    One day at a time.

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  3. Keep writing and feeling, you'll get to where you need to be. For me, the pain of changing, I finally realized, was less painful...than the pain of remaining the same. Hang in there.

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  4. great post and love the two comments above.

    When I read "The Day That Is Now" I thought to myself -- She'll figure it out.

    And you will...yep...one day at a time.

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  5. Today is just a day.

    A good day.

    Don't let a day scare you. It's just one day. Tomorrow is just one day. So is the next.

    One day at a time

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