***Submitted by Susan, who blogs at Writing My Way Sober
I just read another woman's blog post about the day she chose to quit drinking. Damn it's good. Here is the link: Hi my name is Heather.
While reading Heather of the EO's post, I was struck by how helpful it was to me personally, how her description fits me too. The seemingly normal mom, who has never had a DUI, didn't drink a ton but felt in my soul that it was wrong. Snuck more vodka into my glass when no one was looking, disguised the sound of more ice cubes clinking into the glass. Slid a slow ride up over weeks from 2 to 3 to 4 to 5 drinks. Waited until 5 o'clock and breathed a sigh of relief when it came. Ahh... just take the edge off being a mommy after a full days work.
Reading her post helped me because, lately, I have considered drinking again. It's 4 months tomorrow and my life has not changed significantly. I'm still the same person with new addictions to replace the old big one. But her entry made me see that I am the same kind of alcoholic she is. I can go for weeks and even months at a time without drinking (once even two years) but I cannot control it when I start back up again.
I. cannot. control. alcohol.
I saw in the comments how many other women said they didn't feel as alone because of what she confessed. And she used to be a therapist too. So now I really don't feel so alone.
I have to say I have often heard the echos of shaming, judging voices of readers thinking ugly thoughts like: She's a therapist? But she's a drunk. And this morning: Should a therapist be blogging? Brene Brown would think this is horrible. Just now: Doesn't motherhood make her happy? She must not like being a mother.
These are MY judgments. These are MY demons.
I'm wondering as I write this if I belong in AA. Maybe I need to be "working a program". It has become apparent to me that there is far more to recovery than stopping the intake of booze. 4 months - I've been pretty damn cocky. Add another shaming voice: She's going to relapse. Maybe it just starts getting really hard at 4 months. I'm in baby recovery, a sober infant, still in need of diligent supervision.
So this is the power of blogging: Heather of the EO has helped me and maybe this has helped someone else. That's the reason for doing this blog thing - not to be clever, or cool, or become "blogging royalty" - but to connect and heal.
So I head into month 4 tomorrow. Whoever out there, if you are just starting to quit, quitting today, or are 10 years into it, you are not alone.
At the least, Heather of the EO and I will be sober with you.