***Submitted by Kristin, who is a regular contributor to Crying Out Now
I'm having trouble telling people in my real life I quit drinking.
I haven't had a drink. I've poured out drinks handed to me.
I just can't find how to tell them.
Which is shady and gross. I don't really like that. It makes me feel like I'm ashamed. Or like I'm making sure they won't call me if I slide a little.
But I struggle with what's more productive. Telling them so I can't reason my way back into drinking or hearing them tell me I don't really need to quit.
Many of the people in my life don't know how dangerous I can get, what a thin line I'm dancing on. And I don't think that all of them need to know.
All of them have seen me have one drink and be fine. All of them have seen the brilliant smile on my face after three drinks. They like seeing me happy. They like the happiness I bring them when I drink.
That makes me worry that they won't believe me when I tell them it's bad. There will be plenty of people trying to convince me to drink again, that I don't have a problem and that makes me terrified of telling them. Terrified that they'll convince me they're right.
It's happened before.
These people are not all drunks. Some of them are. No one wants to see themeselves reflected when I acknowledge my disease. But many of them just don't understand. They argue with me that I could manage it, I could be ok. I no longer believe that they're right. But that doesn't mean after three or four of those conversations I couldn't be persuaded to talk about it over drinks.
So I'm worried and caught in the middle, not really knowing what's the best move.
I don't want to let myself be persuaded by someone else to drink. But I don't like hiding this realization either. It seems too cowardly. It seems weak. It seems like an easy out some dark day down the road.
Do I really need to live my life explaining to every single person why I stopped? Why must they argue with me? Why can't they just believe me that this is what's best for me? Why do other people want me to drink so badly?
I'm so intimately frustrated by those questions.
So for now, I wait.
I will explain.
But for now, I wait. Until I have some more time and under my belt.
Just not too much.
It's a balance.
I'm still dancing on a very thin wire, trying to decide which side is less dangerous to fall onto.