Friday, December 31, 2010

God Grant Me

***Submitted by Kristin


I didn't mean for this to happen.

I guess no one does, but I really didn't. Because I should know better.

Hi, I'm Kristin.

My family has a history with addiction. Mostly alcohol. And they say this disease can be genetic. But in the nature versus nurture game, I thought I was in the clear. My parents both quit drinking before I was born. Years before I was born. So I never saw the addiction, never learned the addiction.

I thought I was in the clear.

But I'm not. And I need to come to terms with that.

Because I've got a kid that I love more than anything. Me? I hate to say it but I'd gamble if it were just me.

But it's not.

I read recently that SIDS deaths increase drastically on new year's day. Because caretakers are too drunk to manage putting their kids to sleep properly.

And while I want to judge and shame those parents, I can't. I've been drunk in the year since Alex was born. Too drunk. I don't drink every day and so I tell myself I'm "ok".

But when I drink?

It's a lot. It's unhealthy. It's too much.

Sometimes? I can't remember.

Sometimes? I black out.

And I'm scared.

Scared of what I might do. Scared of what I did do. Scared of saying the words "I need to quit."

Because I'm ashamed. I'm so ashamed I can't handle this. I'm ashamed that I'm not better than some stupid gene in my body.

I do so well sometimes.

But doing well just gives me an excuse to tell myself I'm ok.

And then I get together with friends and they refill my glass. To be nice. And they refill it again. Because I am drinking so quickly. I start to lose track of how many times they refill it. I'm not doing it myself! It's ok if I'm not doing it myself, right?

But still, it gets done.

And eventually, I start to do it myself. Even though I know better. Because I'm too drunk to care.

And my son sleeps. I don't drink while he's awake. Which makes it ok, right?

Please God, I pray, let him stay asleep. Let him be safe. Because he is not safe with me now. Please don't let him need me to care for him because I'm not equipped to right now. Let him stay asleep and be safe.

Praying that prayer? Is disgusting. Knowing this, why can't I tell them to stop pouring? Why I can't I tell them what I am?

Here's a secret: I relished being pregnant. Not only was I growing a beautiful life inside me, but no one pressured me to drink.

Well, one person pressured me to drink.

But he didn't really want to be around me while I was pregnant anyway. Getting pregnant lost me a friend. Well, not really a friend. A drinking buddy.

While I was pregnant I didn't have to explain to people that I couldn't drink because I can't control myself. I didn't have to tell them how awful I am with it.

But I'm going to have to start explaining. Because I can't be pregnant forever. And I can't keep drinking.

Why can't I tell people what I am? Because of my shame. I want to be normal. I put on a good act most of the time.

But I'm not normal. And I don't think people will understand that. I think they'll try to talk me out of quitting. Or they'll just stop talking to me altogether because who wants one of THOSE in their life?

Those that do understand how I am? Calling myself a drunk would be calling them drunks too. And that would just be impolite.

Hi, I'm Kristin. And I still can't say it.

I feel like saying it would let my parents down. They worked so hard to never bring this into my life. But I slid here anyway.

But I have to say it.

Because I'm not safe. Because I don't want to die. Or endanger anyone else. Or lose my husband. Or put my child at risk. Or lose a child to SIDs because I'm too drunk to care for them.

I hate myself when I wake up the morning after drinking. I cry copiously. I apologize to my husband. Profusely, I apologize to him. I hate that I drank so much. I hate that I don't remember how much I drank. I hate me.

I've sworn it off before. But it doesn't stick because I can't admit to my friends what I am. Maybe I haven't wanted to admit it to myself either.

Hi, I'm Kristin. And I'm an alcoholic.

8 comments:

  1. This speaks to me, I see myself in your words.

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  2. Oh Kristin- I am so glad you wrote this. I can relate to many of your words. Often I've heard people say they never drank too much bc they hated being out of control. Me? I drank so much and then blamed that for me being out of control.

    Justification could have been my middle name.

    Hi, I'm Jamee and I'm an alcoholic.

    I hope and pray 2011 will be a year of hope for you. And help. Hang in there!

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  3. Hi, I'm Dawn and I'm an alcoholic.
    You've made the hardest step, admitting you are an alcoholic. Wishing you sobriety and peace in 2011!

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  4. You sound exactly like me. Good Luck and thanks for sharing! Happy New Year!

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  6. In no way dismissing your own personal consequences of "the drink", and reading between the lines, it would appear that you have not suffered the horrible consequences of loss; loss of driver's license, loss of career, loss of children, loss of home, loss of friends who once loved you unconditionally.............and the list goes on ending with loss of human dignity and respect. I am writing this as one who has lost these things. I have lived and walked through these consequences. Now, my friend, maybe you don't have to! We do have a progressive disease, none of us has proven this fact otherwise. I think '11 is an extraordianry year to claim sobriety. Attending your blog site, you'll find no shortage of support!!
    My name is dawn; I'm an alcoholic (sober since November 10, 2010 when I reached an all time low bottom - one that you'll never have to succomb to IF you choose a sober life)

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  7. Hi there and Welcome to the club!
    I am Julie and I am an alcoholic Mother, daughter, wife, friend...woman.

    I loved your post, raw and honest. I have been in your shoes but it was me pouring the glass. don't think today about others opinions and whta they may be tomorrow. You only have to worry today.

    I have found support and the tools to live happily in this journey which we call life. It's not been easy all the time but I remember it all. That's saying something. I remember Easter morning, I'm not hung over and avoiding my kids.

    Grab onto your courage and pray for willingness.

    You are in good company for sure.

    Oh and your parents will be proud, how could they not?

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  8. I'm Jessica and I'm an alcoholic. Those words just came out my mouth the first few times. They surprised me. For so long I struggled to say it, and even longer to understand it. But I am. I am an alcoholic daughter, sister, friend...

    I hope and pray for all the best for you, and that you find your way in this journey of life

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