**submitted by Adrianne
So, two days ago I hit 11 months. Only a few more weeks until I make it an entire year without a drink. It’s becoming more difficult, more of a struggle. Not having a hangover is not much of a motivator anymore. Remembering everything is not much of a motivator, either. In fact, it would be nice to blur some of the more emotionally raw moments. So I am back to where I started…doing it for my two small children.
I have been really careful about not putting myself in social situations that might be tempting or might end with me being an asshole because I can’t join in the fun. And right now that is the biggest part of the struggle - fun. I am just not having much of it. Haven’t entertained because I can’t enjoy the vino with my friends. Haven’t gone to dinner at the new hot spot because I can’t enjoy the vino. Left town during the biggest party of the year - Kentucky Derby - because I was right at six months and knew it would be miserable. I am accustomed to not having the reward at the end of every day. I am used to weekend activities revolving around the kids - birthday parties, fall festivals, family outings. Sure, I go to movies and meet friends for coffee and ice cream. It’s just that it’s not so fun.
Boredom was a big trigger for me in the beginning but it was the beginning and I was focused on putting days together. Guess the “not having fun” is just another form of “being bored.” Intellectually, I know that meeting friends out and getting lit is not the answer. Know I can’t have just one. Hell, I don’t even pretend I want one. When I tell my husband or friends I am struggling, I say I want a nice BOTTLE of red to go along with the new chill in the air. I loved the way a nice buzz would break up an afternoon or evening, either speeding it up or slowing it down. Everybody drinks for the effect. Normal peeps unwind at the end of the day or celebrate their birthdays with booze. Normal peeps may pop a xanax if they are having a hard day. So, I get it. I am not normal. But what are us boozehounds to do for fun without the booze?
When I hear people talk about “sober fun” I want to run to the nearest exit in the church basement or hang up the phone. What I want is fun, straight up. I mean, bowling. Hell no. Didn’t enjoy it when I could do it while drinking a few cold pilsners so I don’t want to do it now. I am ready for the time when I’ll be ready to go out to dinner and have friends over on the weekend, but I’m not there yet.
Sometimes I wish my bottom was a little lower. When I quit, I was drinking a bottle of wine a night, give or take a glass or two, still having people over and going out with friends. Most of the time, things were okay, but the unpredictable or rather more predictable blackout was putting a damper on this. And oh yeah, that moral hangover was worse than the physical one. Bottom line, drinking is not an option for me. I am incredibly thankful to be clear-headed and present for my children in the evenings. It’s just that this being present and clear-headed gig is also not much fun.
When I was feeling a little squirrelly today, I decided to try to put it into words. It’s difficult to do. This site and the women who share on their blogs or post comments have been a tremendous help in me making it this far. Want to say a huge thanks to all of you for putting your words out here.