Saturday, September 18, 2010

My Problems are Small, but They Are Problems Nonetheless

Submitted by Anonymous.

I needed to read Robin's post today.  TODAY, the day when I woke up feeling not-so-great but not horrible.  The day after having a paltry 2.5 drinks the night before and still feeling like total and utter crap.  

Because, see, here's the thing: what I realized TODAY is that it is a problem if it is a problem. 

My problems?  Not so bad relative to others, to be honest.  I've never blacked out.  I don't make an ass of myself.  Would never drink and drive.  No lost job or spouse.  No big "bottom."Yet.  

Actually I rarely, rarely, am ever even drunk.  But the fact is that I do drink -- not a lot but fairly consistently.  I don't think about it all day but I do think about it around 9 PM.  I don't worry about alcohol not being around in social settings, but try and get me to stay long at an adult party at night if there's not any wine around.  Just try, because I don't think I'd hang. 

My problems are small, but they are problems, nonetheless.  A little tired once or twice a week.  Not getting as much out of my workouts as I'd like.  Sleeping fairly late on a weekend and missing the morning sun.  Gaining weight around the middle no matter what I do.  Being more tired than I should be and having less patience at times.  You see, these are the problems.  My problems.  And today, reading Robin's post about being the only one that can release yourself from them? Really hit a nerve.

Can I honestly say I won't drink ever again?  No.  But I need to grow up and take responsibility for these little problems.  I need to be conscious about when I drink and why.  I need to know deep down that although I haven't hit a bottom that a bottom is out there.  

Waiting for me. 

And so, we are all alike and we are all different.  Maybe some of us dive down the rabbit hole.  Maybe others trip and fall and wake up wondering how the hell it happened.  And maybe some of us creep right up to the side and take a good, long look at the abyss and then scamper away down the hillside and make a decision to just f-cking deal. 

To breathe.  To cope.  To accept life on its own terms.  Without the slight buzz.  That is now my new problem.  

And my blessing. 

3 comments:

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  2. Thank you for sharing. My story is similar to yours although I think I was a bit more compulsive about making sure I had my wine around. I stopped 90 days ago after arguing with myself for years over whether I had a problem or not. Hands down it was the right decision for me. I needed to late go of the debate in my head as to whether I was or wasn't an alcoholic and concentrate on living a sober life.. There have been some tough moments but I know longer feel tormented. Again, thank you for sharing your story.

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  3. Thank you for sharing, because it's important for us all to remember it isn't how much, or how often, it's what it does to us.

    I wish, so much, that I had listened to the nagging voices in my head when I hadn't had all the Yets. I would have spared me years of misery, buts that's all behind me now. I hope.

    Good luck on your journey - keep talking, being open, being honest.

    -Ellie

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