Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Scared. And Hopeful

***Submitted by Aimee

I have written this story a dozen times in my head, drunk, on my backporch,, cigarette in hand. I have written this story while vacsilating between hysterical laughter and tears, drunk, while my family sleeps.

It was about 9 years ago, somewhere around my 30th birthday that I started drinking. Prior to that I could count on 2 hands the number of alcoholic drinks I'd had. My realtionship with my new friend started out okay and i'm not sure when it crossed the line or how.

I've never been a daily drinker, but like so many, once the first swallow goes down and that warm, numb hits my brain-it's already to late. I will consume all that there is to consume and if my husband hasn't already hidden my keys and purse from me, I will drive for more or get on facebook to see which neighbors were still awake. Most of my close friends (neighbors) drink just like me, so a random message at 11pm for wine or beer is akin to borrowing an egg for a cake.

Somewhere around 4 years ago I went from the fun, happy drunk girl to the woman who after a point got angry and sad and manic. God help you if I decided you slighted me in the least-my poor husband, my poor kids. My oldest girls (17 and 18) remember their "normal" mom and not the drunk me that my 7 year old only knows. It breaks my heart that I have not been present for her for most of her life. It breaks my heart to think about shooing her inside to her father so I could finish my wine and cigarette with empty promises of I'll be there in 2 seconds, as soon as I'm done were going to read that book. It breaks my heart that this is her reality and she thinks is normal.

I'm not even sure where I am going with this other than to say that I have not had a drink in 3 days. Part of it was my constant fight with myself and part of it was I was too busy with PTA and back to school to drink. Tues- Thurs was "easy" but tonight is Friday-tonight the neighbors will all head outside to our shared alley where the kids will play, the men will bbq and drink beer and the ladies will drink wine or martini's and comiserate about kids, husbands and jobs.

I will be going to my first meeting. It starts at 7pm and there is another on at 10pm that they said I could stay for if I didn't feel like I could go home. My husband said after my meeting we can just hole up at home with a movie and popcorn with the kiddo-but I'm not sure I trust myself. I am also profoundly sad that I can never, ever again comiserate over drinks with my friends and hope that someday I can do it over iced tea.

I am scared, I am hopeful and I am glad that I found this place.

9 comments:

  1. you've already done the scariest part, walking through the doors of AA and deciding that you're done. in the beginning i had to recognize that as an alcoholic, there was always going to be a part of me that would want to get drunk and i did have to be sad about the fact that i couldn't do what normal people could. from the get go i had to say, well if i could drink normally i would like to comiserate with friends over a glass of wine, but i can't. that in itself is step one.

    it does get better, so much better. i thought that sobriety wouldn't work and once i gave aa an honest try then i could really drink because i was convinced that i would forever be drinking against my will and there was no end in sight. thank goodness i was dead wrong.

    living the program has given me a choice today. i never thought i would be free of the obsession, let alone happy. if i can live a sober life, anyone can. women afflicted by this illness that have chosen to fight against it are the most graceful, beautiful people in this world. a strong network of sober women have saved my life and helped me grow, time and time again. i'm beyond thrilled you've decided to join them :) thank you for your bravery in sharing your story, you're in my thoughts

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  2. Don't worry about "never again" - just focus on today. One day at a time, remember? I promise you, you will still have fun. You will still have friends. You will again have happiness. You just have to stick around until the blessings start.

    Things that got me through the first weeks: Get numbers at the meeting and don't hesitate to use them. Get a temporary sponsor right away and call her daily. Reach out. Don't isolate. Go to lots of meetings. Hang with the sober folks. Change the people, places and things that were your norm.

    You're gonna make it. Just be willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober - the same way you used to do whatever it took to get that next drink. We love you. You are not alone.

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  3. MN and Kalisa are both so right! it gets better and easier and all you need to focus on is just one day at a time. we all love you, keep coming back :)

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  4. The other commenters have given so much good advice. Honestly, it still scares me to think about never having another drink, so I don't. It's one day at a time :)
    Three days is HUGE! The first few weeks are so difficult, but you can do this. Please feel free to email me if you want to chat (crnnoel at gmail dot com)
    Thinking of you, sending you love and a hug.

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  5. Forever is a long and scary time - like some of the others said, don't worry about forever, just worry about today. Sometimes even one day seems too long and scary, so you have to take it one hour at a time. But you are not alone, there are people who will support you, lift you up, and make those hours go a little faster, and those days seem a little less scary.

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  6. That fear of "never again" goes away...I promise! I am so excited that you are at 3 days, and that you are using backup (meetings) as help. It's so hard, and it's even harder alone. Whatever you find that works for you, since it's different for everyone. 3 days is HUGE and you should be so proud of yourself. I'm rooting for ya....I can't wait for you to feel the awesomeness of being sober as it grows stronger everyday.

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  7. One thing that really helped me...in my Wednesday meeting we go around the room at the beginning (there are usually 60 people!) and say our sobriety date. After saying it over and over, it becomes part of your recovery...a date you hang onto and stay proud of. The farther along you get, the less you want to lose your date and start over. Anyway, just a thought, since it helped me. :)

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  8. Your doing great....Hugs((())))

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  9. Going to meetings will help so much! You are already proving to be amazing by building up 3 days without meetings. Keep writing about your feelings. Facing the first sober Friday can be tough and bring out lots of feelings and discomfort. Just know you are not alone. Eventually, you will be so grateful for your sober Fridays.

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