***Submitted by Aimee
I have written this story a dozen times in my head, drunk, on my backporch,, cigarette in hand. I have written this story while vacsilating between hysterical laughter and tears, drunk, while my family sleeps.
It was about 9 years ago, somewhere around my 30th birthday that I started drinking. Prior to that I could count on 2 hands the number of alcoholic drinks I'd had. My realtionship with my new friend started out okay and i'm not sure when it crossed the line or how.
I've never been a daily drinker, but like so many, once the first swallow goes down and that warm, numb hits my brain-it's already to late. I will consume all that there is to consume and if my husband hasn't already hidden my keys and purse from me, I will drive for more or get on facebook to see which neighbors were still awake. Most of my close friends (neighbors) drink just like me, so a random message at 11pm for wine or beer is akin to borrowing an egg for a cake.
Somewhere around 4 years ago I went from the fun, happy drunk girl to the woman who after a point got angry and sad and manic. God help you if I decided you slighted me in the least-my poor husband, my poor kids. My oldest girls (17 and 18) remember their "normal" mom and not the drunk me that my 7 year old only knows. It breaks my heart that I have not been present for her for most of her life. It breaks my heart to think about shooing her inside to her father so I could finish my wine and cigarette with empty promises of I'll be there in 2 seconds, as soon as I'm done were going to read that book. It breaks my heart that this is her reality and she thinks is normal.
I'm not even sure where I am going with this other than to say that I have not had a drink in 3 days. Part of it was my constant fight with myself and part of it was I was too busy with PTA and back to school to drink. Tues- Thurs was "easy" but tonight is Friday-tonight the neighbors will all head outside to our shared alley where the kids will play, the men will bbq and drink beer and the ladies will drink wine or martini's and comiserate about kids, husbands and jobs.
I will be going to my first meeting. It starts at 7pm and there is another on at 10pm that they said I could stay for if I didn't feel like I could go home. My husband said after my meeting we can just hole up at home with a movie and popcorn with the kiddo-but I'm not sure I trust myself. I am also profoundly sad that I can never, ever again comiserate over drinks with my friends and hope that someday I can do it over iced tea.
I am scared, I am hopeful and I am glad that I found this place.