Thursday, July 22, 2010

Day Three

***Submitted by Anonymous

I'm feeling pretty good.

Three days in and I feel positive, confident, hopeful that I can end this once and for all. I've done some things differently this time, I've reached out to some people, although anonymously, I've dumped the troubling bottles of liquor that have ruled me, I've tried to be brutally honest in my personal journal.

Then the fear creeps in - How many times I've been here before and eventually fell apart, fell back into drinking too much, then way too much. What will be the next event, party, get together that will call for, even require, drinking? What will be the next stressful event that will require a drink or five to feel relaxed?

Besides pregnancies, I've probably lasted, at most, 5-6 weeks without drinking. I had pledged to myself and my husband I would go 3 months. Isn't that how long some rehabs are, maybe if I could last that long I could stop for good. Well, I couldn't do it anyways. Occasions that called for, required alcohol were coming up and I rationalized I could have the self-control. I would only have one extra drink before going out, instead of 2 or 3. Quickly, every time, things snowball out of control until I'm unable to not drink for more than one day.

I've been to counseling twice. The first time we dealt with some anxiety issues and the counselor recommended drinking in moderation. Great! Awesome, I thought! That is what I've always wanted! We talked about drinking slowly, limiting yourself to two drinks. I remember a wedding where I really tried. I drank my first glass slowly and as soon as I had the alcohol in my body and the 2nd drink came around I drank in larger swallows, hoping to intensify the buzz. I didn't drink more (that night) but wanted to, badly. That has always been part of this problem for me, if I'm not drinking or can't drink more I really, really want to and think, even obsess, about it. It makes everything less enjoyable.

The second counselor suggested abstinence and AA meetings. No way was I going to an AA meeting. Who would I see there? Would it be someone I know, that knows me or my family? What would they think? I'd be so ashamed and embarrassed! So I didn't go, never even really considered it. I tried abstinence, for a while. I went to yoga, which I do really like and find helpful but certainly not the answer.

This time I want to try a meeting but I'm really afraid. Those old feelings are still there and I feel anxious and overwhelmed even thinking about it. I've gone as far as to look up meetings in my area and think I may have found a good one that is even at a time I could go. But... I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it.

Often I wonder, why am I like this? What is wrong with me? It's like there's something in me that is deformed or doesn't work like it should. I am amazed and envious of people I see around me having "a couple of drinks". How do they stop? Don't they want more? I want to be like them but I'm not. My husband has decided he will not drink either. He shouldn't have to give up that cold beer or once in a while cocktail for me. But, when I tell him that, he tells me he wants to do this. To me it's a loss for him. For him, I think, it's no big deal. We're in different worlds with this and neither can really understand the other. But, I do appreciate his support and lately it's been more that than anger and warnings that things can't, won't go on like this.

It seems crazy to me that I would even consider drinking when there is so much to lose!!!

10 comments:

  1. I had the same exact fears about going to a meeting, but trust me.....it is soooo the ooposite once you get there. I have been sober 10 months, and I think it was about the 5 week mark I had switched from where you are feeling to actually being PROUD to go to my meetings each week. Once inside, everyone there is just like you...they understand what you are going through with drinking, even understand how you are feeling about the meetings in general. But they will be welcoming, friendly and helpful. And they will help you get through why it's hard to stop or control your drinking.

    Oh, I am so excited for you that you want to go to a meeting. I'm not going to say it's a sure thing for everyone, because there are many successful ways to quit drinking out there. but I will say that I love AA meetings and they really help me. And the sick to your stomach feeling WILL go away....rather quickly.

    Good luck...I am proud of you and will be praying for you.

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  2. Getting to the first meeting was tough, but wow - it was such a relief. SUCH A RELIEF to sit and talk with others going through the same thing, to see proof that it can work, that we can do it.

    I've felt the same how-long-this-time fears, but it's a fresh day, and anything that happened prior to THIS day and THIS conviction doesn't matter. Today is it.

    So proud of and glad for you!

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  3. I think that there are usually SOOO many meetings that you may be able to find one that is outside of your immediate area...if that might lessen the anxiety of seeing people you know. Not even far, but maybe a slight ten minute drive outside of your community? I don't know where you live, obviously, but I know how our town is set up and it would definitely be possible to do something like that.

    Also, the meetings are all about anonymity.

    I'm praying for you, too!

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  4. You are not crazy. Not a all. If you see someone you know or who knows you at a meeting just remember they are there for the SAME reason = to reach out and get help through a difficult time. I am crossing my fingers and toes for you! Good luck momma!

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  5. Nothing really works except to follow the path so many others have taken before you: 30 meetings in 30 days, take the phone numbers, call one of those numbers if you feel you're going to pick up a drink, and take it a day (or an hour, or a minute) at a time. The people you will meet there will help you, and protect you. They aren't there to judge you or tell anyone else that you were there (just as you won't tell if you see someone you know there).

    And GOOD FOR YOU for posting this to reach out for support! That is huge too! Hugs to you!

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  6. I totally know where you're coming from! It is hard to get yourself to that first meeting, but what did it for me was that I drove there (I could always turn around and drive away, right?), and as I sat there in the car considering whether to go in, I thought of the ladies on the BFB board, and how I might feel immediate relief at driving away but would feel ashamed for my cowardice later (sort of like with giving in to that first drink when you say you're not going to). Anyway, I just sort of made my legs walk me in. And for me, doing anything the first time is the hardest, and then it becomes a known quantity and much easier. I now feel just relief when I'm there.

    Regarding your husband, drinking is probably just no big deal for him, so I'd say take him up on his offer to quit. There are probably things that you can take or leave that others have an obsession with (even if it's just, like, a popsicle or whatever), so just think of it that way. Over time, it will get easier, and then he can have his one beer without it being such a big deal, but make it easy on yourself in these early days! You deserve it!

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  7. I have no idea how people can handle just having a drink or two. It still blows my mind. I would get so frustrated when my husband would not even finish a drink at times... even if it wasn't my drink of choice I'd have to finish it for him.

    You're doing great :) You're writing about it, you're being open, and you can do this! The meetings aren't scary, I guarantee you'll find acceptance and hearts that welcome you with open arms!
    Thinking of you...

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  8. Day 4 and still doing well. Opening up here and people's support and understanding is SO helpful.

    This morning I was thinking about all the rules I used to have to go along with my drinking. No drinks until my husband got home (what if he was in an accident and I had to pick him up!!), no drinks when alone with the kids, no more drinks after dinner (always on the sly, always broke this one). The first two I used to hold fast to, my drinks would be ready and as soon as my husband pulled in the driveway I did a couple of shots and had that cocktail waiting. As if, why I'm just starting this one drink.

    I started drinking before he was home, alone with the kids these past couple of years. I knew this was bad. I would think, what if there was an emergency, an accident. I would call 911 and they would realize I was intoxicated.

    These behaviors really scared me. I would wake up in the morning with feelings of shame and regret racing in. Sometimes I have felt like I don't deserve my life, my family, maybe I should just go away... These feelings have ALWAYS followed drinking. I have never woke up in the morning after a sober day and night and felt this way.

    Day 4 and I feel good. I still need to gather the courage and get to a meeting. I think my plan will be to arrange for a babysitter so I have to go...

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  9. Remember, for every one of those people at the meeting, there was a first meeting. They know how you feel. Go in, sit down, and if someone smiles at you, smile back.

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  10. You will be surprised at how you feel at home when you sit down at your first meeting. I am so thankful for the day I walked into mine. It was actually my 2nd meeting my 1st was not a good fit and I went to a really weird area and I didn't like it. Look for a place that you like or close by, I went to a place about 15 minutes from my home and I go there still 2 or 3 times a week and I also went to a meeting in my HOMETOWN!!! OMG, was I scared, but it was great. I found my sponsor at this meeting, and a lot of numbers of people who are there for me. my husband sounds a bit like yours. He has pretty much earned his 3 month chip with me, LOL!! He choices not to drink because he is just happy that I am not. He comes to my meetings with me sometimes on Saturday, it's an open speaker meeting and it is great to have him hear the stories and success of others. He loves the people at the meetings and is thankful I am going. He told me the other day that we know have our life back!!

    Please be good to yourself, pray, and maybe start by going to a open speaker meeting. You may like that. Good luck!!

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