***Submitted by Anonymous
I'm feeling pretty good.
Three days in and I feel positive, confident, hopeful that I can end this once and for all. I've done some things differently this time, I've reached out to some people, although anonymously, I've dumped the troubling bottles of liquor that have ruled me, I've tried to be brutally honest in my personal journal.
Then the fear creeps in - How many times I've been here before and eventually fell apart, fell back into drinking too much, then way too much. What will be the next event, party, get together that will call for, even require, drinking? What will be the next stressful event that will require a drink or five to feel relaxed?
Besides pregnancies, I've probably lasted, at most, 5-6 weeks without drinking. I had pledged to myself and my husband I would go 3 months. Isn't that how long some rehabs are, maybe if I could last that long I could stop for good. Well, I couldn't do it anyways. Occasions that called for, required alcohol were coming up and I rationalized I could have the self-control. I would only have one extra drink before going out, instead of 2 or 3. Quickly, every time, things snowball out of control until I'm unable to not drink for more than one day.
I've been to counseling twice. The first time we dealt with some anxiety issues and the counselor recommended drinking in moderation. Great! Awesome, I thought! That is what I've always wanted! We talked about drinking slowly, limiting yourself to two drinks. I remember a wedding where I really tried. I drank my first glass slowly and as soon as I had the alcohol in my body and the 2nd drink came around I drank in larger swallows, hoping to intensify the buzz. I didn't drink more (that night) but wanted to, badly. That has always been part of this problem for me, if I'm not drinking or can't drink more I really, really want to and think, even obsess, about it. It makes everything less enjoyable.
The second counselor suggested abstinence and AA meetings. No way was I going to an AA meeting. Who would I see there? Would it be someone I know, that knows me or my family? What would they think? I'd be so ashamed and embarrassed! So I didn't go, never even really considered it. I tried abstinence, for a while. I went to yoga, which I do really like and find helpful but certainly not the answer.
This time I want to try a meeting but I'm really afraid. Those old feelings are still there and I feel anxious and overwhelmed even thinking about it. I've gone as far as to look up meetings in my area and think I may have found a good one that is even at a time I could go. But... I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it.
Often I wonder, why am I like this? What is wrong with me? It's like there's something in me that is deformed or doesn't work like it should. I am amazed and envious of people I see around me having "a couple of drinks". How do they stop? Don't they want more? I want to be like them but I'm not. My husband has decided he will not drink either. He shouldn't have to give up that cold beer or once in a while cocktail for me. But, when I tell him that, he tells me he wants to do this. To me it's a loss for him. For him, I think, it's no big deal. We're in different worlds with this and neither can really understand the other. But, I do appreciate his support and lately it's been more that than anger and warnings that things can't, won't go on like this.
It seems crazy to me that I would even consider drinking when there is so much to lose!!!