Monday, May 24, 2010

Time To Let Go

Submitted by Anonymous

I’ve been reading this blog for a couple weeks... and I feel really connected to so many stories.

I thought I was alone.

I thought that no one in this world EVER drank like I have.

I can’t believe I let it get like this.

This self medicating lifestyle HAS to end.

For my child.

For my husband.

For my family.

My body flushes with emotions as I think about the shame I’ve done.

I went to visit my family...and drank all day.. everyday... for 7 straight days.

I thought they didn’t notice.

I thought wrong.

I know they did. I know it shames my dad to know that his daughter is so sad. So lost.

That she has to guzzle vodka to feel better.

Who does that?

I’m ashamed. Embarrassed.

Even worse than before.

I need help. I’m going to kill myself if I don’t stop this destructive behavior.

I haven’t been myself for 2 years. Well... maybe 3. I had a successful radio/TV career.. then moved shortly after I got married... for my husband’s job.

I lost my life, I feel like.

I gave up so much for him..my home... my career...my body for his baby. (I gained so much weight.)

I’d drink to feel pretty.

To feel like I had a purpose. When in truth.... I was becoming even more worthless.

I hide it from my husband.

In the closet. In the garage.

In my child’s closet. Who does that? I don't want this devil anymore.

I need God. I need to know that I can stop what I’m doing. My heart aches knowing what I’ve done. How could I have drank 6 bottles of vodka.

I don’t even remember visiting my family.

And deep down, I miss them so much... I wasted my trip.

I think about how I woke up with the shakes.

I can’t believe that I drove with my child to the liquor store.

What kind of mother does that?

Dear God,

Can you please help me with my sadness? I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to be content with this life. I want to know that I’m a great mother. A great wife. A great daughter.

I am almost 33 years old.

And I feel like I'm nearly 100.

Please God. 3 years is long enough to be so sad.

Anonymous

Or should I sign: Alcoholic

8 comments:

  1. You are not alone in feeling shame. In complete disbelief that alcohol has completely taken over your life.
    As if it happened overnight.

    Its done the same to me.

    Please know you are not alone. I pray someday I can be brave like you and say it.

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  2. Oh, I was right there with you. I've been there. There is light on the other side. I am 34, married, 2 kids. I felt the shame. I hid it. I drank everyday. I felt guilty everyday. One day I had enough, and I've been sober since (8 months). I freed myself, and haven't looked back since. I feel better, my realtionship with everyone got better. You can do this. God will help you. Reach out to AA and all the fabulous people there. It's a beautiful program. I will pray for you. You are not alone.

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  3. Oh honey, you are so not alone. We've all been there, varying degrees. You can do this. We're here, to listen any time.
    Like Robin said, reach out. There are so many ways.

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  4. You sound like a page out of my diary. Except you forgot the part where you woke up in the middle of the night, and went looking for something to stop the racing guilt thoughts, and the feeling of complete gratefulness when you found a bottle under the couch. I remember the pacing, screaming in my head "oh my God, 4 hours til the package store opens!!" That was hell, nothing can be worse than that aloneness. That was 16 years ago, and I still remember it like yesterday. Thank God I don't feel that way now. Get on your knees and pray sincerely to help you get out. It will come.

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  5. You can do it. Not only for your child, your husband, and your family, but for YOU. Especially for you.

    It's very early in the non-drinking process for me, but I promise the good stuff adds up quickly. Best to you.

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  6. oh sweetie. You are not alone. There are so many of us out there. The shame and guilt will kill you if you let it. But the amazing thing? Once you stop, really stop, after a while those feelings go away! I promise, there is a whole beautiful life out there waiting for you to just grab it. Grab it! You can do it!

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  7. You are not alone. There is so much love and support out there for you and you just have to grab on to it one step at a time. Sending you strength and hope and prayers.

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  8. I feel for you, I really do. Everything you have written mirrors my life right now. Hiding vodka (which I used to hate), feeling the wilting expressions of people in my life who know I'm drinking, hiding bottles in my child's room, driving with my child to the liquor store, all of it. I am at a very desperate point and want to quit. I went without drinking twice in the last month (first for 4 days and then for 5) but a stressful situation put me on a bender starting on May 12th and ending... hopefully today. I haven't drunk today and it is such a good feeling to make it through 24 hours and wake up the next day without a hangover. I'm trying it again. If you would like to communicate with me please say so and I will give you my email. I want a change so much and am happy that there are places like this to find support.

    ReplyDelete