Thursday, April 22, 2010

That pill in my pocket

**Submitted by Melissa. Visit her over at Enough Already.


I still haven't managed to take that pill in my pocket.


I woke up this morning thinking, "You've been drinking reasonably and getting to work and not smelling of booze, but you didn't shut it down very well last night, did you? Nope. Not good, honey."

So with all kinds of fortitude I stuck that pill in my pocket again with the intention of taking it at 10:00 this morning. And then 9:30 hit, and I thought, "There are still drinks at home and you have tomorrow off. Sure, you could take that at 10:00. But there are drinks at home. And you have tomorrow off."

And here I am, drinking rum and cokes and doing my eye makeup and spritzing perfume and looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow.

Someone I love had a different sort of problem not too long ago. I want to emulate how he looked at his life, looked at the consequences, and said, "That's it. DONE." But he hasn't complained. He hasn't said, "Hey, honey? I'd like you to be present."

I see what that says there. I shouldn't need someone to complain before I make the change.

I shouldn't care that tomorrow I'm bowling and Thursday I'm meeting a friend and Friday I'm meeting a friend so maybe I should take this pill on Saturday? Oh, but I bowl again Saturday, so maybe Sunday? I don't want to drink. I want my friends who don't have this problem to do whatever comes naturally. What helps is everyone doing what they would normally do and I order lemonade instead of a beer. That makes it easier and feels like less of a spotlight.


But I recognize I just need to do what I need to do, regardless. My decision.

4 comments:

  1. I can really relate to this.. all the time I spend rationalizing, thinking about it, obsessing about it. It's so hard. Thank you for talking about it - it helps so much to know I'm not alone.

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  2. Are you talking about Antabuse? (sp?)

    I never took that, but I did take something to help with cravings (I can't remember the name of it now, it began with a "C"). It seemed to help, but I can't be sure because I started taking it right about the time I finally decided I was DONE.

    Hang in there, and keep talking.

    -Ellie

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  3. It's amazing how much the mind wrestles with this, Anonymous. I am hoping (very hard) that the thoughts will recede with more time under my belt.

    Hi Ellie - yep, that's Antabuse. It really helps remove drinking from the equation and gives me time to reroute and develop new healthier habits. "Will I?" is replaced with a flat "Can't." I hope at some point I won't need it, but it's been a terrific leg up this last week.

    Thanks for your comments, guys - they help.

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  4. Always an enticing event around the corner. Always a reason not to. But what are the reasons to stop? Clarity. Laughter. Dreams coming true. Most of all? The end of this discussion. Maybe it's worth it?

    Sending love, strength and some water to take the pill with.

    xo!

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