Submitted by Faye:
Well, here we go, call me crazy. I am all all over the place – little nervous too. Feeling very unstable. So discontent – just like “before” – before I stopped drinking. At least I had that little – sometimes not so little reprieve. I would love to believe that all this turmoil – that’s right, inner – acting out turmoil is a precursor to some fabulous, significant, life changing growth. I don’t know what the hell I want, what I want to do, what I like, what I don’t – who the hell I am.
If I wasn’t an alcoholic and didn’t know others with this cunning affliction, I would swear I was insane, or at least well on my way. I am so unsettled, like a pre-explosion type unsettled, like a rumblings prior to that great big earthquake or the breaking off a some giant meteorite, the rattling of the top of the tea kettle - I'm acting out – all over the place - like some kind of fish out of water. I don’t know how to listen and look for messages. I'm praying – but then I think – well, maybe I'm not praying right?
What happened to those little wisps of inner contentment, teensy flutters of serenity that I experienced here and there that first year – was that just a cleansing of my soul and this is what I'm left with? I want to stay home, I want to work, I want to do weekends, I want to do weekdays. I want to manage, I want to get my Masters, no I want to write. I want to do photography, no I just want to be healthy. I want – what the F do I want?
Why do I struggle to live just in this moment, this very friggin, little teensy, tiny moment. Just this sliver. And relationships, hah – forget about it. Nil, none, void. Too self-centered, self-absorbed for any of that – now this where I would like to thinking a fellow would say – Whoa – you’re being wayyyy to hard on yourself. I would love to think that I'm just “a little dry” but I don’t know – I’ll give all racking up of meetings a try and see if there’s a difference – some slight transformation, but I really have my doubts, It just doesn’t feel like before, although, before I was never this remiss in meetings. I feel like I need to cram or crash test to catch up to where I would have been had I been going to meetings regularly. I’d like to spin off a little here and ask God for help again:
Please help me be open to your messages, your guidance, please help me trust that you will take care of me and that is what you are doing. Please show me the way to inner contentment and some balance in my life between work, family, play, and others. Giving and taking, obligations and creativity. I beg of you – what did you put me here to do – how can I make a difference. I want to enjoy and LIVE this life you’ve given me. Please show me the way.
Well, I guess, its time to rest the thoughts – well, we know that’s not going to happen so its time to rest the fingers –the little guy wants a hug. I do too.