Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Teensy Tiny Moment

Submitted by Faye:

Well, here we go, call me crazy.   I am all all over the place – little nervous too.   Feeling very unstable. So discontent – just like “before” – before I stopped drinking. At least I had that little – sometimes not so little reprieve. I would love to believe that all this turmoil – that’s right, inner – acting out turmoil is a precursor to some fabulous, significant, life changing growth. I don’t know what the hell I want, what I want to do, what I like, what I don’t – who the hell I am.

If I wasn’t an alcoholic and didn’t know others with this cunning affliction, I would swear I was insane, or at least well on my way. I am so unsettled, like a pre-explosion type unsettled, like a rumblings prior to that great big earthquake or the breaking off a some giant meteorite, the rattling of the top of the tea kettle - I'm acting out – all over the place - like some kind of fish out of water. I don’t know how to listen and look for messages. I'm praying – but then I think – well, maybe I'm not praying right?

What happened to those little wisps of inner contentment, teensy flutters of serenity that I experienced here and there that first year – was that just a cleansing of my soul and this is what I'm left with? I want to stay home, I want to work, I want to do weekends, I want to do weekdays. I want to manage, I want to get my Masters, no I want to write. I want to do photography, no I just want to be healthy. I want – what the F do I want?

Why do I struggle to live just in this moment, this very friggin, little teensy, tiny moment. Just this sliver. And relationships, hah – forget about it. Nil, none, void. Too self-centered, self-absorbed for any of that – now this where I would like to thinking a fellow would say – Whoa – you’re being wayyyy to hard on yourself. I would love to think that I'm just “a little dry” but I don’t know – I’ll give all racking up of meetings a try and see if there’s a difference – some slight transformation, but I really have my doubts, It just doesn’t feel like before, although, before I was never this remiss in meetings. I feel like I need to cram or crash test to catch up to where I would have been had I been going to meetings regularly. I’d like to spin off a little here and ask God for help again:

Dear God,

Please help me be open to your messages, your guidance, please help me trust that you will take care of me and that is what you are doing. Please show me the way to inner contentment and some balance in my life between work, family, play, and others. Giving and taking, obligations and creativity. I beg of you – what did you put me here to do – how can I make a difference. I want to enjoy and LIVE this life you’ve given me. Please show me the way.

Thank you.

Well, I guess, its time to rest the thoughts – well, we know that’s not going to happen so its time to rest the fingers –the little guy wants a hug. I do too.

8 comments:

  1. I can relate to the racing thoughts. And wanting those moments I really, truly feel serenity to come back. I love the prayer.

    Thank you.

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  2. I remember feeling this way the second year of sobriety. Therapy, a psychiatrist and one year of prozac made all the difference. My drinking had been masking long term low level depression. I have never felt that way again (20 years later).

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  3. I love how you wrote this out, going with your emotions as they come, because that's exactly how it is. And you're so right, if I didn't know other alcoholics I'd think I was also insane. It's an awful ride to be on.
    Hang in there.

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  4. I'm still so early in sobriety, so new and, yes, serene. Words like yours help me believe that I can never relax to this disease, and that's important. So important. I will always need to be vigilant.

    Thank you.

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  5. I'm saving you a seat right here. *waves*

    I got you a styrofoam cup of the weird meeting coffee where they dump a whole tin of cinnamon on top to make the Folger's taste fancy. Let's turn off our brains for just a few minutes and listen to someone else and wait for that moment when a perfect (perfect) stranger says the exact thing we needed to hear.(It always comes.)

    Then we can awkwardly hug people we don't even know that well and we'll feel a little tiny bit of peace and it will help for the rest of the hour or maybe the rest of the day.

    Then we can come back tomorrow and do it all again and it will be exactly the same but totally different. And then again. And again.

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  6. Congratulations on sticking with it even though you've had rough times. Thank you for your honesty. That it's not all roses and sunshine...that it's actual work to change. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to make it. I'm just 8 days sober today. I'm up and down but trying to take it slowly. You're reaching out and I'm listening. Keep going. We can do it.

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  7. I shared this someone who is not afflicted with alcoholism however is afflicted with the same kinds of thoughts I expressed - as most people are - (dont let them fool you) its a gift that I have a program to follow and great support - although she doesnt have a disease to contend with she doesnt have the benefit of recovery or the gift of AA - a spriritual program - itis a gift - 8 days is wonderful. My thoughts are just one tiny moment in time and one thing I have certainly learned is "this too shall pass" and my history as of this moment proves that it does - It always always always passes and this very moment is glorious - the sun, the sounds of kids playing outside as its half day of school - im at peace - for a moment - and wanting more of this keeps me going - God Bless.

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