Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Alcoholic Feast

***Submitted by Jackie

And It was a Feast! By the age of 26...drinking 365 nights a year, starving my body to size 0, seeing no end to my self inflicted torment...I continued to order a drink till my eyes closed and oblivion!

Fort Worth Tx. The mall of topless clubs. My hangout, place of work, through out the late 1980's....early 90's. It did not make sense to me how a middle class catholic shifted 180 degrees opposite of my morals! Born in Hercegovina 1962, raised in the mountains of Croatia by grandparents my first 5yrs. Dad divorced mom and left for united states. In the mountains I climbed cherry trees, fell from trees barely obeying my frustrated grandparents.

By the time a car drove up with my new mom and dad's brother to pick me up and wisk me away to America with my gramma crying and waving goodbye to me, I was untamed and full of energy!

First day of school in America was confusion ! Not knowing how to speak american....how to ask where the bathroom was? Quickly retreated into myself....I was lost emotionally, parents were busy working, trying to learn to speak american themselves.

St. Vitus school taught me about a man called Jesus, the visual of Jesus on a cross frightened me, their was no comfort from the nuns and priests, it was sit down! fold your hands! and be quiet young lady!

So by the age of 20-something, entering bars gave me a sense of freedom! Topless bars.. the drinks, beer, wine, mind erasers, sex on the beach, black velvet, crown royal, tequila, snorting crank and so on. When I walked on main stage wearing 4inch spiked heels, strobe lights flashing...dancing to Van Halen music, money flying in the air towards me like rain, it was utopia! Morals down the drain, ending up living with a dee-jay, bartender, and eventually by myself, then the couch....her couch...his couch....anyones couch!

Spent money same as I drank, liquor was my food. Family would call and beg me to come home as I lied and told them I was happy and not to worry.

Even blackouts were not enough to sober up, at least for a while longer. Alcoholism has no feelings..its goal is to kill you. I was headed in that direction....screaming half naked outside my apt. balcony in the middle of the night, next day not remembering why I was screaming. Hitching rides with strangers on several occasions...ending up home and not knowing who helped me and most of all I was unharmed...at least I thought so.

Waking up on the floor in my living room next to the married bartender I worked with and not recalling our evening together. Yelling at the policeman in front of my apt. door after neighbors called about the noise and not being arrested.

After evening of tequila a friend bobby pinned my hair away from my face as I puked in the toilet....she gently said....you need help, you're an alcoholic.

Alcoholic...alcoholic....alcoholic....thats all I obsessed about for days after my puking tequila night. I reached for the phone and seeked help for my drinking, my own will to control not drinking was fleeting. Many relapses later I committed to myself to stop my madness and sobered up July 5, 1991. 18yrs. clean/sober. My issue's are tamed, daily process of letting go and living my life.

1. Alcoholism
2. Anorexia
3. ADD-attention deficit disorder
4.OCD- obsessive compulsive disorder
5. Bipolar-mania-depression
6. Ex-Smoker
7. Cancer Survivor

Divorced 14yrs. my son turned 17 October 17, 2009, I am 47. Life is about shooting hoops with son, being a supportive mom. Being productive, having fun, helping others.

Alcoholism and other serious problems can be treated by support groups, therapy, treatment centers. Alcoholism has no feelings!...its goal is death.

But Hope is alive! Help is available.

3 comments:

  1. Wow. You have overcome a LOT. Thanks for sharing your story -- great message that hope is out there. Thank you.

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  2. What an incredible story - thank you for sharing, so inspirational! Congratulations on all you've overcome!

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  3. Thank You Corinne...and Anonymous.....funny or not so funny current situation is, tonight I am atttending another program for another issue...lol

    The rough part is I had to hit a bottom with this one..concerning finances. I am sooo grateful to be clean/sober.

    The good news is I found a place that will give me direction on my financial crisis....all without me drinking/drugging/or lighting a cigg. to get through it.

    I admit today is a rough emotional day for me sober and all....BUT...I get to improve my situation by doing something about it. And I want a more peaceful sobriety at this point in my recovery....AND guess what...lol I am going to get help weakness/addictions and all.

    I beleive I need to be as honest as possible through the journey of clean time...life! So I can share my accomplishment...hopefully without a big ego...lol And share my struggles. Perfection is exhausting...yahoo!

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