Monday, March 22, 2010

Alcoholism As A Part Time Job

Every once in awhile, we alcoholics need to laugh at ourselves. Laughter helps me to take some of the power away from my disease. Diana from www.dianarepublic.com reminds us of just how exhausting our job as active alcoholics actually was. ~Val

Help Wanted: Active Alcoholic

Duties & Responsibilities:

1) Make certain that there is enough alcohol in the home at all times. (Quantities may vary according to activities.)
2) Make certain that no wine or liquor levels indicate that any extracurricular drinking has occurred (i.e. daytime or alone or both).
3) Shop at multiple stores for said liquor to avoid giving the impression that you may have a problem with alcohol (because cashiers at liquor stores keep running tabs of who buys what and when and, more importantly, care).
4) Budget for alcohol.
5) Plan activities around consumption of alcohol. Make certain to have all the day's errands completed before first drink so there will be no need to drive. Have all the day’s errands done as early as possible so there will be no need to delay drinking.
6) Carefully choose glassware to camouflage the contents.
7) Prepare excuses for mysterious drunken behavior after “one glass of wine with dinner."“I have my period," “I didn’t eat lunch," “I didn’t sleep at all last night,” and “the moon was in retrograde” will all work when said with the appropriate level of indignation.
8) Use CSI-like detective skills to piece together the activities of the previous evening. Interview friends without tipping them off to complete loss of memory. Gauge husband’s attitude and prepare to be remorseful or defensive depending on mood.
9) Constantly obsess about part time drinking job and whether or not you should cut your hours or just quit. Strangely the more you obsess about said job, the more hours you actually “work."

Compensation:
1) Shame
2) Humiliation
3) Remorse
4) Loss of dignity
5) Anxiety
6) Weight gain/bloating
7) Alienation of friends
8) Potential liver damage & other health issues

Bonus:
1) Physical appearance of a haggard fish wife

I have never been so glad to quit a job in my entire life.

24 comments:

  1. Splendid. Well said. Pinpoint accuracy. Thanks.

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  2. OMG I laughed out loud... SO TRUE! All of it.

    Thanks!

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  3. I loved reading this! Made me laugh about alcoholism, which isn't always easy to do.

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  4. Hi. La. Ri. Ous. If we can juggle all of that, we must be some pretty strong and capable people. Let's use it for some good!

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  5. This was fantastic! Such a unique view and so true. I admire your attitude towards drinking. We do need to take ourselves a little less seriously sometimes. It's a long and hard road. There are no rules that say it's not OK to laugh along the way. Thank you!

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  6. Although I have a great sense of humor -and definitely stop to not take myself too seriously and can laugh at myself like the best of them - but, "to me" this is not funny - Go ahead - tell me to lighten up - thats ok. In chit chat and at meetings funny, funny, funny - but theres something about this presentation/ representation written words - not so funny -but sad and serious. If you were to write about cancer like this - or suicidal tendencies or schizophrenia, diabetes, mental illness, not funny, in this alcoholics opinion anyway.

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  7. Anonymous at 8:04am: How come it would be funny in person but isn't funny in writing? I don't understand that.

    And I think it does make a serious point, but using humor, so what is wrong with that? This post isn't saying alcoholism is funny - quite the contrary in fact.

    I think it's great, because it shows people we don't lose our sense of humor just because we're sober.

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  8. My Grandpa made jokes about his diabetes all the time. It just helps. I have friends with cancer. They joke about chemo and the loss of hair and what their medications do. It just helps. No, the diseases aren't even one bit funny. But some of the ins and outs of dealing with them are. Our behavior while drinking? Sometimes HILARIOUS, especially in retrospect, when we can see more clearly how insane it actually was. Humor is healing, I guess that's my point.

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  9. LOL! Totally made me laugh out loud! Yes, it's sad and true, it's how I WAS. Which is why I find humor in it and can belly laugh. :) That time is gone, and hey, the truth doesn't always have to cause tears and pain. Laughter too, is a great medicine! :)

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  10. Part time? It's full time! At least 4 hours drinking every night, and another four hours planning, obtaining, remorsing, obsessing. Yes it's pathetic and sad, and that's why we have to laugh. And we write it down to examine it, reject it, and have it lose its' power.

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  11. The measure of a man's character is what he does without seeking recognition.

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  12. Anonymous 10:43am - can you please explain why you say that here? I'm curious.

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  13. My apologies - I am experiencing much confusion and am being judgmental. Im lost and I am acting out. Im trying to find my place and dont know what I think or feel right now - Im obviously misdirecting some anger issues here - Im sorry.

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  14. Anonymous 12:31pm: I'm sorry for your pain. Thanks for the apology, and I hope things look up for you.

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  15. Oh, girl, I love this. Thank you for the laugh today.

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  16. On #3 & #8.....I peed a little.
    I, indeed needed a true burst of laughter and those to did it for me.
    Thank You

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  17. You took me on the speedy train to Funny Town! I so love that we are able to laugh at how insane it all is. Thank you!

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  18. I LOVED IT!!! I'm gonna print it out and carry it around with me. Next time I consider that "job" again, I will have second thoughts!!

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  19. And who knew such a cherry of a job could fall in my lap just like that?

    This post made me smile - widely at the humor and ruefully because six of the nine "skills" are all too familiar. I'm very happy to have found this site tonight through Okay, Fine, Dammit.

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  20. Hell-oh! Hahaha. Wow. That stings. ;)

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  21. The best thing for me in Rehab was the other patients and I making jokes. Jokes about using, jokes about treatment, even impressions of our very interesting counselors and staff. I know I would not have made it the 54 days there without laughter. Thanks for making me laugh today on a somewhat difficult day for me.

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