*** submitted by Anonymous
Since writing this brave, honest post, the author remains sober today, several months later.
Thank you for this site. I found it after I stumbled upon the article in Redbook magazine. I remember that day, how I started to read the words and then quickly snapped it shut. Kind of like you do when you attempt to open the door of a closet with too much stuff in it. Hit too close to home I guess. I knew then, deep inside that the story read so much like my life, but didn't want to believe it. Later I came here again and again, wine glass in hand, and it always made me cry.
I'm 43, and have been drinking almost every day for probably more than 6 or 7 years. I don't even know for sure. I've been married to an amazing man for nearly 23 years. I am a stay-at-home mother of 2, (kids 10 and 8) and also help run our family business from home. I think that when I decided to quit my job in the Information Technology field to stay home with our kids, while it was a choice I haven't regretted, I believe I began to feel very alone, and 'less than,' if that makes sense. Drinking seemed to solve so many problems for me. I felt I deserved to enjoy my wine. I have become isolated, no one has really known me because I didn't want them to. Wine has been my friend - only - you know, the kind that stabs you in the back.
Similar to other stories I've read here, what started out as 1-2 glass a couple of nights a week, somehow has steadily increased to 1.5 liters a day or more…sometimes beginning at noon (or 9am when I finish what I left in the glass from last night because, well I don't want to waste it, right?). Alternating between about 4 different liquor stores, moving from bottled wine to box, naps in the afternoon to feel better- only to start again at 6pm. Experiencing the 3 AM wake time where I lay in bed filled with fear and dread, hating myself, wondering if there is even a way out. Crying out to God to help me. Hating myself more when I realized I've gained 25lbs. Looking terrible, and feeling worse than I look. I have 'functioned' well enough, but for how long before it all falls apart? It's a time bomb. I've tried cutting back, and I always have gone back to it, stuffing the nagging thoughts away.
Several of my family members are alcoholics. I guess I am too. It may sound crazy to some, but now I believe God has stepped in, and I am trusting that. Grabbing a hold of Him for dear life.
I've been sober for 9 days. During this time I've felt hung over, been very tired, had headaches, felt fuzzy brained, clumsy, a bit forgetful, and of course irritable. I slept a bunch the first few days, along with listening non-stop to all the Bubble Hour broadcasts available on my ipod shuffle.
I usually walk into my house every other day with a 3 liter box of wine, this last week I've walked in with two 12 packs of bubble-water. I still miss my wine, some minutes more than others, but I have to say that despite everything, I haven't felt this good since I was about 29.
The most beautiful thing is that dread and fear are gone, replaced by HOPE. Someone said on the Bubble Hour that they didn't want to 'count' their days sober, they wanted to 'collect' them. I like that. That's what I want.