33 Years of Drinking

***Submitted by Anonymous

33 Years…..

Thirty three years—that’s how long I have been drinking to escape from my feelings.  I never drank for fun.  I never drank to be more social.  I had a problem from the first glass of wine. I drank to escape obsessive compulsive disorder, extreme social anxiety, low self esteem, perfectionism, guilt, and on and on and on.  I never sought help for this drinking; I just let the voices in my head beat me up, panic about my health, and then beat me up some more.

During this time, I was able to function in the real world quite well.  I got several advanced degrees; found a wonderful job where, despite my opinion of my work, they love me; divorced the wrong husband and found the right one; contributed to the raising of two absolutely wonderful young women; and found a wonderful spiritual home.

Of course, the whole time I was living two separate lives—the fake one where I did what real people do with their lives and the real one where I worried, obsessed, beat myself up, and drank.  Both of these lives were miserable.  This is the point where you think I’m going to tell you that I quit drinking and my life is wonderful now…..well sort of.

I first sought help for the psychiatric disorders.  I received medication and finally found a really good psychiatrist that I can work with.  But of course, I never told him about the drinking.  I never told anyone (but my husband…sort of) that I was drinking and that I was worried about it.  I didn’t tell my doctor; I didn’t tell my priest;  I didn’t tell my best friends.  No one even seemed to notice or worry about it.  No one ever said a word to me about my drinking.  Because of the medications, I became less obsessive and less anxious but I was still living two miserable lives because of the secret drinking and I had the added worry of drinking with the medications.  What was I doing to myself!

Sixty days ago today, I decided to stop drinking.  I was tired of two lives.  I was tired of the guilt and worry.  I didn’t go to AA, I didn’t go to rehab.  I read myself through the sixty days.  I have read every book by a recovering addict I could get my hands on.  I have a read a few books about how to quit drinking but I did not like them as much.  I have also read every blog I could find.  I found that reading these stories helped me understand that I was not alone, I was not unique, and that sobriety was possible. I also prayed.  I asked Christ to let my sobriety bring me closer to him.

In that sixty days, I have seen some wonderful, wonderful changes in my life.  I feel like my two worlds are slowly coming together because I do not have quite as much to hide in my public world.  It is nice to go to work and not have to hide a hangover.  It is nice to not have to hide my drinking in private or public.  It is nice to not have to worry about how much there is to drink, getting enough, not seeming drunk.  It is also really wonderful to have a clean kitchen at night, be able to read a book at night, and wake up feeling okay in the mornings.

So, my life is wonderful now and that is the end of the story….wrong.  What I now realize is that my really hard work is just beginning.

You see, I don’t want to drink again.  I don’t want to live two lives any more.  I want one life where I really live all the time.  In order to do that I began seeing a therapist last week and I finally told the truth.  I had seen therapists before about the obsessive-compulsive disorder, about my divorce, about my anxiety, but never about the drinking.  

So I finally told the truth.  It was hard and after I left that session I was extremely anxious.  The cat was out of the bag.  I had asked for help with the thing that was the center of my hidden life.  I was not sure that I could go back.  Maybe I would just cancel our next appointment and keep working on this on my own.  Maybe I didn’t need to bring drinking into my public life.

I called the therapist and told her about my anxiety after our first meeting.  She was very kind.  She encouraged me to come one more time and talk with her about what we could do to make the session tolerable for me.  So, once again I told the truth.   As my second appointment approached, I was not sure I was comfortable with all this truth.

We met today.  I told the truth.

At the end of the session she asked me what would happen if my secret became public.  I could not answer that.  I do not know what I am so afraid of.  But, I am not as anxious after this session.   I have made another appointment.  So, tonight as I soberly cook dinner, watch TV, read, and interact with my family, I feel  hopeful that it will be possible to live  a life with no secrets and in which I am fully and comfortably present.

I am grateful for this forum to tell my story and ask for your prayers and positive thoughts.

Feet On The Path

***Submitted by Lynne

So I've been attending AA meetings for like three months now.

I've been going... and then picking up pretty much every night.

In the last two weeks, I've felt a change.  I want to have what they have.  I hear their stories, and I see myself.  I'm used to drinking every day.  Last week, I made it for three days before the weekend... then I screwed it up.  Then last was my last drink... I made it until today.  And now I picked up again.   I'm a single mother of three.... and I'm proud to say I am actually doing a good job, considering I have a problem.  I have triggers.  I have to get past my triggers.  Routine is obviously important to me.  To the point where I've created triggers.  I've had to change how I get home from work.  What I do when I get home.  Etc.  Tonight was a routine I haven't had to do in a while, and I've failed the challenge.  (taking my son to meet his father)

I meet these wonderful ladies in AA, and I've got their numbers.  I'm going to call them this weekend.  I realize I need to actually reach out and trust.  I'm used to just dealing on my own and isolating.  Isolating really works for me - like all alcoholics.  It allows me to shut the world out and fuck up.  Then I don't have to face anyone... but eventually have to face myself... There is where the problem starts.  I realize through AA that isolating is not a good thing.

I used to think I was strong.  I used to think I could handle this "issue."  Obviously, I'm not able to.  I don't have many girlfriends.  This is a foreign thing to me.

Asking for help.  Asking for help from fellow women...  beautiful women, actually.  I feel honored to be in this group.  I am lucky, and God is trying to tell me something.  Isn't there a song about that?  hahahaha....   sigh...   I am feeling happy and scared about the fact that I now feel humbled.

I've never been a religious person.  But I do feel the presence of something greater than me, giving me love and hope.... and the most patience.  I know I'm going to get there.  And I'm building the bridges I need to in order to do it.  So I was sober since last Sunday, but   screwed up tonight.

I know I need to make the call to my people in AA.... but I'm struggling to make the call when I need to.    I need to make these calls at the right times... Before I screw up.  They are there to help me.  I'm just scared and embarrassed to make the calls.  I don't even know why.  I know that if I call them, they will feel honored that I trust them in their sobriety to help me.

But I'm in a place of so much shame.  So much fear.  Wow..... I have issues :)  

I'm happy that I'm on my journey... knowing it's going to be a long one.

But my feet are on the path, and I know it will be the most important journey of my life.

Since Lynne first submitted this post, she has also sent me this update:    I've been sober now for 16 days.  I've found a sponsor through the AA group I've been attending, and I'm feeling very good about myself and the journey I'm on.  One day at a time, right?  But I made it through Christmas and New Year's with sobriety for the first time in a long time.  A long, long time :)   I'm learning I can face life and some of the stressful stuff without having to dive into the bottle.  I don't want to abuse myself any longer when I'm faced with the tough stuff.  I used to think it helped me cope, but I always feel worse about myself for having done that to my spirit.  I also liked to use it to reward myself... for having worked hard that day, or accomplished stuff at home, or did a good job as a Mom.  But my reward now is having had a wonderful sleep and getting up in the morning feeling refreshed and not having a puffy face with bags around my eyes :)  Like they say, the rewards of being sober is simply that - feeling good and healthy, rather than hungover and sick.  

From Your Friend

***Submitted by Anonymous

I love you.

I always will.

We have been friends since high school and I want us to be friends for the rest of our lives. And I want the rest of our lives to be healthy and happy and long.

 I’m worried about you. I don’t say anything because I don’t want to wreck our friendship and I don’t know how you’d react. But when you can’t remember the funny things we talked about on a Friday night because you drank too much, it makes me sad.

I want to be able to make memories with you, and not lose them to a blackout. When you have to review the pictures in your phone to see what we did over the weekend, I worry about you. And I worry more when it doesn’t seem to worry you. Or your husband. Or your mother. Or our other friends.

When you finally come out with me one town over, you can’t drink as much since you have farther to drive home. So far, you’ve made an excuse each time about why you have to leave early. At first I thought you were uncomfortable in a new place, then I realized you were uncomfortable not being able to drink as much as you want.

It’s hard to be friends with someone who has to have everything on their terms, which always involve drinking. When you called and asked me to pick you up those times before we went out, you said it was because your night vision wasn’t good, and the brakes in your car were bad. It took me some time to realize that you just wanted a designated driver so you could drink more.

When you finally left the bar that one night after you did those things, the men I always thought of as heavy drinkers were talking about your excessive drinking and accompanying behavior. They said to me “it’s nice that you have all your faculties about you.” It made me sad that that was something to be complimented. And I wished that we could spend time together where you did not have to leave in a crumpled heap with people giving each other the nervous, sad smile as you stumble out behind your husband.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know how to have an intervention. Do people even have those?

I just love you.

And want a long happy healthy friendship with you. But it’s becoming more and more difficult.

I love you. And I will love you if you stop drinking.

And I will still hang out with you outside of the bar and without wine and do fun things with you if you stop drinking.

We all still will.

 Love,

 Your friend.

Just Starting Out

***Submitted by Anonymous 


This is my first contribution—my first tell all.

I am a mother of 3, great kids. I don’t think I am an alcoholic because I don’t always need a drink.

It’s just when I start I don’t stop, I’ll drink until all the booze in the house is gone and then beg my BF to get me more. I’ll drink beer, wine and vodka…I don’t care what I mix it with.I’ve spent the last 2 weeks blacking out every night.

But I get up in the morning feeling like sh*t and go to work. They love me at work, I do my job and I do it well.I don’t drink during the day, don’t even want one. Most mornings I swear off alcohol totally. Today I am 2 days w/o a drink..and don’t plan on drinking for a while, plus there is none in the house.

New Year is coming up this weekend. I plan on being the designated driver. My BF drinks, he is a beer drinker…the 2 of us are a fine pair. He doesn’t black out like I do, as he is not on meds like I am. He’s had 3 DUI, and is currently in the court system dealing with his latest one. He may lose his license for 3 years—ugh.

I read all these blogs, I commend everyone. I read it every day—it is my therapy. Everyone seems to have an excuse as to why they are or have become an alcoholic…I can’t answer that question. I don’t have to drink—I chose too. I just cant stop.

If I drink after a 3rd---the stoppers are out. There are times I have control to stop—there are times I don’t. My parents are not alcoholics, but my dad has had some issues with it. My sister is definitely one, my little sister is not.

I don’t know where to begin. I’ve looked into AA meetings in my area—but I am scared. Not to being judged but to be told I will never be able to drink again. I ask myself if that is that big of a deal—I cant even answer that. But I hate how I feel the next day, I hate how I don’t remember the evenings.

I hate how it is when I am drunk it is the only time we have sex. I hate the weight gain. Guess I gotta find the good part about not drinking—that I will wake up with out swollen eyes, swollen fingers, memory loss, the looks from my kids, that I can go outside and run a few miles (I used to run marathons and be a gym rat), That I will save the $12 a day (a bottle a night). Our restaurant bill will be less than $100 b/c there will not be the 4 glasses of wine at $8 apiece.

I know there is a better side---I am not ready to give it all up---but I may just have to…What do you all think???

Holiday Survival Guide

*** This is a repost of the "Thanksgiving Survival Guide" we posted last year - it applies to any holiday, so we thought we'd rename it and post it again, as we cruise into the thick of the holiday season.

Holidays can be difficult for sober people, or people struggling to get or stay sober.

Now is a good time to prepare.

We thought we'd share some tips. You can not only survive the holidays, you can enjoy them. All you need to do is plan ahead. Please add your own in the comments below; this is by no means a comprehensive list:

• Think ahead. Is it hard for you to be around alcohol? Be honest with yourself. Now is not a time for heroics. Keep your expectations realistic: if it is going to be too difficult, maybe this year is a time to do something different this year. Don't set yourself up to fail. You can spend a quiet time at home watching movies or hanging out with other friends, volunteer at a shelter serving food, or go to a meeting instead.

• Holidays are usually about family. If there are people in your family who trigger you, be ready. You don't have to go to every fight you're invited to .. plan what you'll say or do if someone gives you a hard time.

• Have safe people to call - program their numbers into your phone in advance, and tell them you're going to call if things get tough. If everyone around you is drinking and it starts to bring you down, talking to someone else who is sober helps you remember that you are NOT alone.

• Bring your own beverages. This is especially important if you're going to be around people who don't know you're sober. If you always have a drink in your hand, people won't hand you alcohol or ask if you want something to drink.

• You don't have to over explain. If someone is pressuring you to drink, be ready with an answer. A white lie is totally acceptable - tell people you're on antibiotics, or you're watching your calories and so you aren't drinking.

• Have an escape plan. If you can, bring your own car. Plan to go for a post-turkey walk - fresh air and exercise will get your endorphins flowing and help tamp down cravings.

• Plan your exit in advance. If everyone is going to settle in and drink and you don't want to be part of it ... don't. Tell whoever is hosting that you have to leave at a certain time so you don't get drawn in to staying longer than you want to.

• Remember to be proud of yourself - shame and guilt are huge triggers. Give yourself credit for staying strong.

• Think about the next morning, when you'll wake up hangover-free and rested. Think about how horribly you felt the morning after drinking, and how sober you don't wake up and think, "I wish I drank last night."

• Think through the drink. If you start romancing how nice "one drink" would be, remember how many times you told yourself you were only going to have one and failed. Having one is harder than having none, because once alcohol is in your system the obsession comes alive.

• Remind yourself the holidays don't last forever, and each holiday is a simple 24 hours, just like any other day. Don't put more importance on this day over any other.

• Go to bed. If the day is harder than you expected, go to bed early just to put the day to rest. Tomorrow is a new day.

• Believe in yourself. Getting sober and staying sober takes serious guts - you are brave and strong and true. If guilt, shame and remorse start talking to you, remind yourself that it's your disease sneaking in the back door. Let your sober voice ring loud and proud in your head.

• Forgive yourself for wanting to drink. Don't expect that you won't be hit with a craving; it's natural. Prepare for how you're going to handle the craving instead of berating yourself for having one.

• Be grateful.  Make a gratitude list and carry it with you. Try to focus on the gifts you have in your life, all the possibilities that lie in front of you, instead of all the things you can't have. Sober, you can do anything.

Please add more thoughts and ideas in the comments; we want to hear from you. Addiction thrives in the dark, and together we bring the light.

You are not alone.

Beyond My Wildest Dreams

***Submitted by Anonymous

I'm a stay at home mom who drank like it was my job. I was so resentful at motherhood and all the sacrifices that came with it. I knew my children were gifts and blessings,but yet all I wanted was mommy time....Mommy's wine time.

I was the mom with the cleanest house, laundry always put away, not a dish in the sink....you could eat off my floor. I always made sure I was put together and appeared to look good on the outside but inside I was so empty and lost. I found comfort in what started off as an innocent glass or two of wine to unwind as I was making dinner for my family.I thought I deserve it.....I'm home all day with my children, no outlet to socialize with other adults so I DESERVE this glass.

Well that glass or two turned into a magnum of wine a night, and the time of day I poured the first glass got earlier and earlier. This didn't happen overnight. The progression took a couple of years before hit spiraled so out of control that it was pure chaos.

I was hiding magnums all over the house so that my husband couldn't keep track of how much was missing out of the bottle in the fridge. I was putting my wine in to-go coffee mugs to take my kids to the park. I couldn't bring them to a sports practice without having it on the sidelines. My marriage was falling apart because of my drinking.

By the time by husband got home from work I was nearly in a blackout yelling and screaming because I was home all day with the kids, filled with rage and resentment. Each time the fight happened I would swear off drinking for that night...."I'm taking the night off" is what I would tell myself and my husband. Somehow by midday the following day I would wind up right back in the same place with my magnum of wine.

The insanity was that I really believed things would be different this time. I will control it tonight - I won't start any fights. The pattern was never any different and always had the same outcome.I had an abusive relationship with alcohol- It was so painful, each encounter had a devastating effect, yet I would still go back for more each night seeking comfort in the bottle.

In august 2010 the fighting with my husband got so bad that he left. I knew I didn't want my marriage to end and was desperate for help.

I never wanted to admit defeat, admitting I was an alcoholic meant I could never drink again-this petrified me. How will i get through the day. How will I socialize? I was desperate to save my marriage so I went away to a rehab for 21 days. This is where the seed for AA was planted.

When leaving rehab I started to go to AA meetings. I started to see the light. The stories of other men and woman who have gone before me were such an inspiration. I started to feel like there was hope - light at the end of my dark miserable tunnel. I would keep coming back because that's what I was told.

I didn't leave rehab and get it right away. It took a few slips and slides before I had to completely surrender to the fact that I was and I am an alcoholic. I am now 10 months sober and can't believe the growth that has happened in my life. It is a miracle that I have not picked up a drink in 10 months-I attribute this miracle to God working in my life.....sometimes directly and sometimes through the fellowship of AA.

People in the rooms of AA have transformed and touch my life in ways that cant be described. I have a sense of peace and serenity within my life now that I never thought possible. My family dynamic has taken on new meaning-I am a sober mom today who is present for my children. I am an honest and trustworthy wife who can be held accountable. These are all miracles that are now present in my every day life...and it's all because I put down the drink and started working the program of alcoholics anonymous.

My life now truly is beyond my wildest dreams!

Time Changes Everything

*** Submitted by Julie, who blogs over at Sober Julie Doing Life

20 Days, that’s all I had

20 days of able body and mind sobriety

20 days of facing my disease and the low-level of my emotional state

20 days to feel frightened, irritable, angry, intrigued and hopeful by the changes which are sobriety

20 days of learning how to live in the same consciousness as my emotions

20 days where I went from “no I’m not an alcoholic” to “Dear God help me, I’m an alcoholic”

20 days to talk openly with my husband about my fears and hopes

20 days to play with my 2 daughters, going tobogganing and hiking in the snow

20 days to begin get to know God again

20 days to walk into 12 Step meeting rooms and learn to open my mind and heart

20 days to truly laugh with my daughters and family about nothing at all

20 quiet mornings with coffees and 12 Step reading

20 pain-free mornings to rush out the door to the career I loved

20 days of quietly reconnecting with my husband

20 evenings alone with my daughters while my husband was at work, evenings filled with gymnastics giggles and tickles

20 days and nights to begin to build my foundation of faith and renew my relationship with God

20 days to begin to change my life

And then….

40 seconds changed my life

40 seconds of icy roads; an out of control SUV in front of me; an impact I cannot remember

40 seconds took away my physical ability to lift and cuddle my daughters; to play with them in the manner I used to; to tie their shoes; to bend over and smell tie their shoes

40 seconds erased my short-term memory; days, minutes and seconds forever gone as soon as they happen

40 seconds stole my husband’s capable, high energy, successful wife

40 seconds robbed me of my career which I had worked tirelessly to achieve

40 seconds altered my life as I knew it, I was no longer self-sufficient, social, free nor active

40 seconds of time has left me with me pain which I would never have imagined

40 seconds in a lifetime changed my children’s Mother in ways they cannot understand

40 seconds altered my path which I had carefully begun to lay out

And since…..

620 days have passed since the accident

620 days I’ve remained sober

620 days of pain, exhaustion, anxiety, loss, challenges beyond my realm of understanding

620 days of learning

620 days of being grateful to God and growing our relationship

620 days of seeing the world in this new, appreciative light

620 days of therapy, assessments, exhaustion and medications

620 days I have turned my will and my life over to God

620 days of watching my daughters grow, laugh and learn

620 days of finding ways to keep memories, blogging, taking photos and journaling

620 days of admiring my amazingly supportive husband

620 days of friendship

620 days of accepting the unknown; realizing that God is in control

620 days of putting myself out here, loud and proud of who and what I’ve become

620 days of prayer

620 days, that’s what I’ve had since those 40 seconds and those 20 days.

Any man can fight the battles of just one day.

This is my sober life thus far, I’m so blessed to have had this much time!

What are you doing with your time?

Are you focusing upon what’s important?