*** submitted anonymously
I've been struggling with coming to terms w/ the fact that I am in fact an alcoholic. I have watched my drinking steadily increase as each day/month passes by. At first, it was just to release irritation/anger/frustration and strictly on the weekends. If I'm being honest, it was also because I was lonely. Now, it's becoming the new normal for me to have more than 2-3 drinks in an evening at least once or twice during the week. This leaves me feeling horrible the next day and like a failure because I'm not really sure how to stop.
I keep telling myself that this addiction is something I can easily stop or "cure" at any moment and yet whenever I think about quitting, I end up drowning myself in alcohol that very evening. It's like my mind/body is screaming NO DON'T TAKE IT AWAY! I mean what is that? I think about quitting so that means rush home and get wasted so I don't think about quitting. Then I wake up feeling like shit and am back on the I need to quit band wagon.
You know it's bad when your own daughter tells you that you are an alcoholic just like your father. That one hurt and yet I went straight to the crutch of alcohol to numb that pain. Nothing like drowning your sorrows in cold beer to feel better right? What's sad is that I was trying to justify to her how I was NOT like him. I wasn't raging/abusive or drinking 12 packs of beer every night. (Note to self: you are drinking at least a six pack and sometimes more) Then I get angry with her (never to her directly but in my mind or to my mother) for being angry with me about my drinking. My go-to line is always "I am the adult and she can't tell me what I can/can't do with my life." SERIOUSLY?!?!?! So your child can't voice her opinion about how she hates seeing you drink and wishes you wouldn't do it to yourself? Yeah...she's the devil.
GET IT TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
! You are stronger than this addiction. You are stronger than this disease. WHY are you letting it ruin your relationship with your daughter when you are the ONLY ONE she has?!?!?
I could list a million reasons why I drink. I'm mostly aware of them all. Drinking is the norm in my family and with most of my friends. How do you watch a football game w/o drinking? How do you enjoy vacation w/o drinking? How do you relax in the hot tub/pool w/o drinking? Every facet of my life seems to have an injection of alcohol at some point.
For as long as I can remember back to childhood, I have been around alcohol. I started drinking at a very young age (14/15 ish) and put myself into some VERY scary predicaments since that time. I drank all through high school and my 20's and now into my 30's. I will be turning 35 in September and I hope that I will spend that as my first sober birthday.
I'm in the process of gathering the tools I believe I will need to quit. I'm pretty sure the #1 thing for me is my daughter. As a daughter to an alcoholic father, I know exactly how she feels and I do NOT want her to follow in the family footsteps. I pray every day that she continues to hate alcohol and stays far, far away from it.